


Let Me Love You

by alienat



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-05
Updated: 2012-04-05
Packaged: 2017-11-03 02:37:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 46,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/376170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alienat/pseuds/alienat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When season 5 wraps life couldn’t be better for Jared and Jensen. They’re in love, have major projects lined up and bought a house in LA. Everything is perfect until one second destroys everything they ever wanted. How do you fix something that can’t be fixed?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Me Love You

**Part One, Jensen’s POV**

He stands outside of the bar where they’re having the wrap party at and breathes in the fresh air. He’s going to miss Vancouver and Canada. It’s been five years and it feels a little like home. It’s the place where he found the one person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Jared. He smiles at the thought of his boyfriend, who’s inside goofing around with Eric and all the others. 

Boyfriend. Even after two years, that’s still such a foreign concept to Jensen. Never did he think that it would be a man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Well, until he met Jared Padalecki, big puppy with the most amazing smile and dimples. He still remembers the moment he saw Jared for the first time. Sitting in the waiting room of the production company, tapping his foot nervously on the carpet. Jared was the most beautiful person Jensen had ever seen and when he smiled Jensen’s heart threatened to jump out of his chest. 

That doesn’t mean that it was always easy. It wasn’t. Jensen spent the first year of Supernatural freaking out about his man crush. The second year he freaked out about his more-than-man-crush. And the third year he spent coming to terms with being in love with Jared, more exactly with a straight Jared who had just proposed to his girlfriend of three years. And Jensen wanted to hate Sandy, tell her that it was his place next to Jared, but he couldn’t and he never said a word. 

Something changed over the hiatus between season 3 and 4, and at first, Jensen wasn’t sure what. Well, maybe it should have been clear when Jared told him that he broke up with Sandy, but it wasn’t. So, to say Jensen was baffled by the way Jared always precluded him from going house or apartment hunting is an understatement. And the way they lived together in Jared’s house like they were a couple, just without the whole gay sex thing, was even more confusing. Well, it was confusing until Jared cupped his face between his giant hands – god, those hands -, pressed his body against Jensen’s from head to toe – he still got goose bumps, just thinking about it – and kissed him like there was no tomorrow. 

They were inseparable ever since. Well, they had been before, but after the kiss it all just seemed to blossom. It didn’t take them long to come out to their families and friends. They were sure that they didn’t want to hide what they had. And, in retrospect, Jensen thanked God that they all had been happy to see Jared and Jensen happy. He had been so nervous when he sat in his parent’s living room, not knowing what they would say, with them being very religious and so, but he didn’t have to worry. His mom had smiled and welcomed Jared into the family. As if he hadn’t been a part before, huh. His dad needed a little longer to process the news, but then he had smiled and told him that if Jensen was happy, he would be happy to. He just wanted what’s best for his children. 

Jensen sighs and lays his head back to watch the stars. He’s going to miss looking up and seeing the stars at night. In LA, you’d never be able to see the stars like this, there’s too much pollution and light. 

Quiet steps make their way to him and he feels Jared’s long arms around his body. Jared’s head comes to lie on Jensen’s shoulder, nuzzling Jensen’s neck. Thumbs steal their way underneath his shirt stroking gently over his hipbones. A shiver runs through his body and he leans into Jared’s embrace. He feels safe with Jared, as if nothing could ever come between them. Jared kisses the spot right beneath Jensen’s ear, that he knows drives Jensen crazy. Jensen moans before he feels Jared pull back a little. What a tease.

“Whatcha doin’?” Jared asks. 

Jensen shrugs. “Just enjoying the night.”

“I’m gonna miss it.” Jared says and Jensen nods. 

“Yeah, me too.”

“You know, I’ve decided to keep the house.”

At that, Jensen turns around in Jared’s arms and looks into hazel green eyes full of love. He entangles his fingers in Jared’s hair. God, how much he loves that hair. He hopes that Jared never has to cut it for any role. 

“Okay.” He answers and Jared smiles. 

Not his public multi-million-watt smile; no, that smile right there, that’s only for Jensen. He tugs Jared down to him and when their lips meet, it’s as if firework explodes in Jensen’s stomach. This, right there, he’s sure he won’t get used to. And he likes it that way. Every kiss he shares with Jared is new and exciting, and he doesn’t want to lose the feeling. Every time it is as if time stops and it’s just them. 

Jared’s hand rests on the small of Jensen’s back and he presses against his boyfriend, aligning their bodies so that his groin and chest is flushed against Jared. Jensen flicks his tongue over Jared’s bottom lip and the other man opens up to him, welcomes him with the taste of beer, something sweet – probably gummy worms – and something that’s just Jared. He pushes his tongue inside the warmth of Jared’s mouth and maps out all the spots that he knows will make Jared moan. And he’s not disappointed when Jared fastens his grip and moans into his mouth.

Jensen loves the little noises Jared makes when he is kissed or when they make love. He could listen to them for the rest of his life and never get bored. He rubs his fingertips over the soft skin of Jared’s neck and feels Jared shiver against him. One of his hands moves down Jared’s back underneath the pink shirt and strokes gently over the soft skin just above Jared’s waistband. 

“Oh God, Jen… I… we have…,” Jared mumbles against his lips. 

Jensen breaks the kiss and pulls back to look into Jared’s lust drunken eyes. “I love you,” he whispers and is rewarded with Jared’s blinding smile and his dimples. 

“I love you, too,” Jared breathes. He bends down a little and lays his forehead against Jensen’s. “I love you so much it hurts sometimes.”

Jensen knows exactly how the other man feels. It’s the same way he feels. Sometimes when he looks at Jared it still takes his breath away and he can’t believe that he’s the lucky one to have Jared by his side. 

“Me, too.”

Jared pulls back and his bangs fall into his eyes. He looks like a small, innocent puppy and Jensen resists the urge to push a strand of Jared’s soft hair back. Jared looks at him, and then he does something that takes Jensen totally by surprise. Jared sinks to one knee, taking hold of one of Jensen’s hands and Jensen starts trembling. 

“Jay… Jared… what,” he can’t formulate one coherent thought so he shuts up. 

The younger man looks up to him, his smile lighting up the night. “Jensen, I love you and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. I wanna watch our children grow up and I wanna sit beside you when we’re old and gray. Will you marry me, Jensen Ross Ackles, and make me the happiest person on earth?”

He has the feeling as if his breath has been sucked out of him and he needs a moment to regain enough air to answer. He’s still trembling and his voice is rough and unsteady when he answers, “Y-yes. I-I will marry you.” And he falls to his knees into Jared’s arms. 

Their kiss starts out gently and carefully, but turns into fighting for control the second they both realize what this means. They will be married sometime soon. They will be husband and husband. And it’s the most exciting feeling. Jared nibbles at Jensen’s bottom lip, his hands playing with the short hairs at the back of his neck and this time it’s Jensen who moans. 

He wants to go home and make love to his boyfriend. No, wait. Not his boyfriend, his fiancé. The thought sends a shiver through his body and makes his dick twitch. He’s rock hard by now and all he wants is to go home and lay Jared on the bed and worship and cherish every inch of Jared’s body. He wants to take his time in showing his fiancé what exactly he means to him. 

“Erm hm.” 

Jared breaks the kiss, a nice flush on his cheeks and Jensen wants to strangle the person who disrupted them. He looks up and finds Eric looking at them with a gentle smile. Jeannie stands next to him, openly grinning. There are different people of cast and crew looking at them with knowing smiles. It’s Misha, though, who speaks first. 

“Well, from the kissing and groping, I think we’re right to assume that he said ‘Yes’.” He raises his eyebrows and looks pointedly at Jared. 

Jared smiles happily and nods. “He said ‘Yes’.”

Samantha pushes through the crowd and is the first to pull Jensen into a big hug. “Honey, that’s awesome. Show me the ring.” Jensen looks at her with confusion, then he looks down and realizes that Jared didn’t give him a ring. “He didn’t give you the ring.” She turns to Jared. “Didn’t you give him the ring?”

Jared blushes and it’s one of the most adorable things Jensen has ever seen. The younger man looks around sheepishly and rummages in his shirt pockets. After a short time, he pulls out a simple platinum band. Jensen holds his hand out and they lock eyes while Jared puts it on his ring finger. Again, the time stops and it’s just them. It only lasts a few seconds and then Sam is pulling his hand to her and admiring the ring. 

The next hour passes in a blur. So many people are congratulating and hugging him. Eric and Jim, Paul and Bob, the girls from make-up, the sound guys. It’s overwhelming. After several toasts – Jensen stopped counting after number three – Jared leans into him and whispers, “You wanna get out of here?”

He looks up and nods thankful. “Yeah, that’d be great.”

The good-byes take close to another hour, tears flow and numbers are exchanged, though, Jensen doesn’t think that he will see some of them ever again. It almost makes him sad, but only almost because the feeling of joy and excitement Jared’s proposal left behind is still buzzing in his body and Jensen is not ready to let go of the feeling just now. 

The cab drive to their house is short. They sit in comfortable silence. Jensen’s head lies on Jared’s shoulder and their hands are laced. He enjoys the quiet moment, after the excitement in the bar. Jensen closes his eyes and takes in Jared’s smell and body next to him.

When they stop in front of their house, Jared pays the driver and ushers Jensen out of the cab. Jensen unlocks the door and they’re greeted with unnatural silence. No patter of paws, no Harley jumping up to greet them and slobbering all over them, no Sadie waiting patiently for their attention. It feels odd. They had sent the dogs down to Texas with Jared’s parents when they had visited last week, but Jensen misses them and can’t wait to go and get them next week and take them to LA. 

“So we have the house all to ourselves. What do you wanna do?”Jared’s husky voice is right next to his ear and goose bumps appear on Jensen’s skin. 

He turns and Jared’s face is right there. “I think we can think of something.”

Jared grins slyly and grabs Jensen’s face in his big hands. He bends down and sucks Jensen’s bottom lip between his. The older man moans, hands settling on Jared’s hips.

“God Jen you’re so fucking gorgeous,” his fiancé mutters and lets his hands wander over Jensen’s back and under his shirt. “Wanna fuck you. Wanna fuck you all night.”

Jensen shivers and he’s so hard it hurts. “Yes, please, yes.” 

The walk upstairs takes longer than either of them wants, but between long, passionate kisses and getting off their clothes, it’s kinda hard to climb stairs. When they’re finally in the bedroom, both of them only in their boxers, Jared pushes him back and Jensen lands on his back on the bed. He locks eyes with Jared. They’re dark with lust and desire. Jensen knows he matches the look. 

Jared climbs above him, his legs straddling Jensen’s hips and he latches his lips to Jensen’s neck, biting and licking a bruise to his favorite place. Jensen holds his lover’s hips hard enough to bruise, but Jared knows exactly how to drive him crazy. He’s writhing underneath Jared, trying to find some friction. Laughing quietly, Jared grabs Jensen’s hands and puts them above his head.

“Shh, not yet. Wanna take my time.”

“Jay… please… god… need you.” The fire burning inside Jensen makes it impossible to form full sentences. 

“I got you, baby. I’ll make it so good,” Jared whispers huskily and Jensen knows it will be. 

Jared’s hands skim over his chest, one of them settling on Jensen’s left nipple, rubbing and teasing it into a tight nub. Sensations flow freely through Jensen’s body and he arches his back towards Jared. He feels Jared crawl down his body, kissing every inch of skin he finds on the way, tracing muscles, dipping his tongue into Jensen’s bellybutton, licking around the rim and just plain driving Jensen out of his mind. Jensen’s hands sink into Jared’s silky hair and he tries to guide his lover to the place where he wants him the most. But Jared doesn’t budge; instead he sucks a bruise into Jensen’s right hipbone and soothes it with his tongue. His long fingers grip the waistband of Jensen’s boxers and he pushes them down. When they hang on his knees Jensen kicks them away and holds up his hips and his rock hard dick for Jared’s attention. 

Jared chuckles at Jensen’s behavior and puts his hands on Jensen’s hips to hold him down. His breath skims over Jensen’s dick and he lets out a stuttered moan. God, he needs Jared’s mouth on him, like right the fuck now. 

“Jay… c’mon… please.”

Jared just looks at him, tracing fine lines of abs and pecs on his chest. “You’re so fucking gorgeous,” he breathes and then he descents to lick a stripe from the base to the tip his Jensen’s dick and the older man grips his hair harder to keep him right there. 

He sucks at the tip and Jensen lets out series of incomprehensible words and curses. Then the heat of Jared’s mouth surrounds his cock and Jensen almost loses it right there. 

“Oh fuck… your mouth… Jay… fuck… s’good.” More incoherent muttering. 

The tongue is swirling around the head, while Jared’s hand has found its way to Jensen’s balls, tugging and rolling them. And Jensen is close. He’s so close. But Jared wraps the fingers of his other hand tight around the base of Jensen’s dick holding his orgasm at bay. He pulls off Jensen’s dick, ignoring Jensen’s moan of disappointment and peppers his groin with small kisses. 

“Not yet, baby. Wanna be inside you.”

“Hurry, Jay… please.”

The other man scrambles over the bed to the bedside table where they store the lube. He grabs it and settles back between Jensen’s legs.

Jensen opens his eyes – when did he close them? – to watch Jared coat his fingers with slick. He sees that Jared’s naked too. When the hell did that happen? His lover’s dick standing hard and proud against his stomach, red and leaking, and Jensen has the urge to suck it. That’s the moment Jared starts to circle the rim of his hole with one slick finger. It feels so good, so damn good and Jensen can’t wait for Jared being inside him. He needs to feel Jared. 

The finger pushes inside and Jensen moans, grinding down on the digit. 

“Oh Jen… so tight… so damn tight.” He grinds down again, he needs more. “God, you love my fingers in you, don’t you?” 

He can only nod. 

Jared fucks his finger in and out of Jensen’s tight ass and he’s lost in the sensation. “Fuck… more… need more.”

Jared complies and adds a second finger, pushing them deeper inside, looking for Jensen’s sweet spot. And when he finds it, Jensen’s hips shoot of the bed and he lets out a small cry. He needs Jared’s dick in him. He feels Jared’s fingers stretch him, scissoring and pulling him apart while Jensen tries to fuck himself onto them. A third finger joins the other two and Jensen gasps at the stretch. 

“Please Jay… I’m ready… fuck me.”

The fingers leave his ass and Jensen feels empty all of a sudden, but then Jared’s cock is there at his entrance pushing inside. Jensen puts his legs around Jared’s waist and raises his hips to make it easier. The initial burn is barely there and Jensen digs his heels into Jared’s ass, urging him forward until he is balls deep buried in Jensen. And he’s so full, full of the most important person in his life, and it feels so damn good. 

“Jen… so tight, baby… always so tight.”

He starts to pull out and when the head of his cock catches at the rim, he pushes back inside. Jensen’s head falls back exposing his neck and Jared latches onto his favorite spot in between Jen’s shoulder and his neck, sucking and licking at the bruise he made there earlier. Jensen’s hands clutch at Jared’s back and he’s sure that Jared will have bruises in the morning. He doesn’t care. Jared fucks him hard and fast, and then changes the pace to slow and gentle, keeping Jensen right there on the edge. He can feel his orgasm building in his toes.

“Touch me… please,” he grunts out. 

Jared wraps his big hand around Jensen’s cock and starts stroking it contrary to his thrusts. His thumb runs over the head already leaking pre-come. He changes the angle of his thrusts and each of them skims over Jensen’s prostate sending bolts of pleasure through his body. He can’t hold it much longer and when Jared fingers the little bundle of nerves beneath the head he comes with a hoarse cry, coating Jared’s hand and his chest with his release. 

A second later Jared is groaning out Jensen’s name and coming into the tight heat of Jensen’s ass. It’s perfect. He starts to doze away, with Jared above him. Then Jared pulls out and Jensen huffs out a breath. He feels fully and utterly fucked. The only thing he wants to do now is going to sleep in Jared’s arms. Jared kisses his temple.

“I’ll be right back.”

“Uh-huh.” 

The next thing Jensen feels is a cold washcloth between his legs carefully cleaning him, before wiping away the come on his belly. Jared’s really the best fiancé he could wish for. He hears the cloth landing on the floor and feels Jared’s arms around him. He sinks into the embrace. He doesn’t think that he could be any happier. This is paradise. 

*~*

The next day passes in a blur of packing their things together for LA, cleaning the house - at least so much that Rosa, the housekeeper, doesn’t get a heart attack when she comes here tomorrow to close the house down - and more fucking. Over the dining table and the kitchen counter and one last time in their bed. In the end, Jensen dreads the three hour flight to LA. He isn’t sure how he’ll survive sitting on his butt for the whole time. When he tells Jared, the other man only laughs and slaps his ass. Ow, that hurt. 

They have a late flight to LA and Chris is scheduled to pick them up. They sit on the porch and wait for the cab to pick them up.

“That’s it, right?” Jensen says.

Jared leans into him and kisses his temple. “We can come back any time we want.” 

Jensen nods. He knows, and still it feels like the end. It’s crazy, but he will miss Vancouver and their time here. It won’t be the same in LA. 

“I love you.”

Jared’s words pull him out of his thoughts and a happy smile appears on his face. That, he knows, too. He laces their fingers and looks into Jared’s loving hazel-green eyes. 

“I love you, too.”

“Nothing can ever pull us apart.” Jared sounds so sincere and Jensen believes him.

“I know.”

The cab honks and they pick up their bags. Jensen looks back one last time and hopes that it won’t be too long until they can come back. But first they have to finish their new movies. Jensen’s start filming in a month and Jared’s two weeks later. That is just enough time to get used to the hectic lifestyle of LA again. He already has a meeting lined up with Dan, his manager, for lunch tomorrow. At least they would have time to visit their families for some time. 

They settle inside the cab, Jared behind the driver and Jensen next to him. Their hands still entwined, Jared’s thumb drawing random patterns on the back of Jensen’s hand. It’s Jared’s way of telling Jensen that everything’s going to be okay. He rests his head on the headrest and watches the Vancouver landscape fly by. They stop on a red light and Jensen looks at Jared, floppy hair falling into his beautiful face. He looks up when he feels Jensen’s eyes on him and smiles. Jensen raises his hand to touch his dimples when all hell breaks loose. 

Breaks screech, horns honk, people scream and the only thing Jensen notices is the confusion on Jared’s face. The impact pushes all air out of his lungs and he gasps. He wants to scream for Jared, but no sound comes out. He’s smashed into the door and it feels like his ribs are breaking. His head collides with the doorframe and pain shoots through him. He wants to reach out for Jared, make sure that he’s okay, but darkness surrounds him and finally he embraces it, sinking into the emptiness. Jared’s the last thing on his mind. 

*~*

He wakes when bright light shines into his eyes. He doesn’t know where he is, the only thing he notices is the pain. All surrounding pain. 

“Can you hear me?” A voice asks.

Jensen’s tries to answer. “Urgh…”

“Sir, can you hear me? Can you tell me your name?”

“Jen-sen Ack-les,” he stutters, his voice hoarse and rough. 

“Okay, Jensen, you have to stay still. We’ll take care of you. You were in an accident. Is there someone we can call?” 

His first thought is Jared. But then he remembers that Jared was with him in the cab. Whom should they call?

“Eric… Eric Kripke.” He swallows, tasting blood. “Jay… he was… me… cab?”

“He’s here. My colleagues are taking care of him. Alright take him to surgery one, Dr. Miller is waiting.” Jensen realizes that the voice hasn’t spoken the last words to him, but before he can ask why he needs surgery the darkness welcomes him back. 

*~*

The voice of his mother is the next thing he hears. Soft, but he can hear that she’s upset. He wants to reassure her. Tell her that everything’s going to be okay. He tries to talk, but what comes out is more of a groan. His eyes are still closed, but he can feel his mother at his side, holding his hand, squeezing. 

“Honey, are you awake?”

Another groan. 

“Jensen, honey, open your eyes.”

He tries, he tries really hard. But his eyelids feel as if they weigh tons. Finally, he’s able to move them just an inch and bright light greets him. He blinks several times to get used to the light, until he focuses on his mother. His sight is blurry and he blinks again until he can see his mother’s shape in front of him. He needs his glasses. Jensen tries to look around and find his glasses when a sharp pain shots through his chest. Damn. 

Somebody puts the glasses into his hands and he struggles to put them on. When his vision clears, he sees his mother first, tears streaming down her face, but she’s trying to smile. Next to her, MacKenzie is sitting in a chair, resting her elbows on her knees and watching him also with tears in her eyes, but she’s smiling like their mother. Josh is the next Jensen takes in. His brother looks as if he hasn’t slept in days, a deep frown on his forehead, but his eyes are shining with relief. “Mom,” Jensen croaks. 

“God, Jensen, we were so scared.” Relief is audible in his mother’s voice. She bends down to kiss his cheek and he leans into her comforting touch. 

MacKenzie stands up and also bends down to kiss him. She squeezes his hand and he squeezes back reassuring her that he’s okay. “I’ll go get the doctor.” 

After she leaves the room, it’s Josh who speaks next. “Hey, little brother, you scared the crap out of us.”

Jensen wants to say something, wants to ask what they’re all doing here, wants to ask where Jared is, but his throat is too dry and all that comes out is a grunt. His brother is by his side in a heartbeat handing him a plastic cup of water.

“Small sips, okay.”

Jensen wants to laugh. That’s the pediatrician speaking. He sips the cold water carefully and relishes the feeling of it in his throat. When he’s finished he hands the cup back to his brother. 

“Thanks.” His voice is still raw and hoarse, but at least he can speak. “What happened?”

“What do you remember?” Josh asks. 

What did he remember? Good question. He remembers Jared’s smile and the way their hands felt laced together. He remembers the noise and the utter confusion on Jared’s face. 

“Not much, just that we were on the way to the airport and then nothing.”

“You were in an accident.” His mother explains. “A truck crashed into your cab. The cab driver died instantly. They brought you here and called Eric. He called us and we came here as soon as we could.”

An accident. What about Jared? Is he okay? Where is he?

“Jay? What about Jared?”

Josh and his mother exchange a look with each other that Jensen doesn’t know how to interpret. It irritates him. What the hell is going on?

“What?” He asks again with more force.

“Honey…” his mother starts.

“He’s still in ICU.” Josh interrupts and his mother scolds at him. “He deserves to know, Mom.”

“He’s not fit enough. Let him heal, Josh.”

“Mom, it’s his fiancé lying there.” Huh? “Sure, he wants to know what’s going on.”

“How do you know?” Jensen asks. It feels like the only save question he can ask. All the others would be about Jared, and he isn’t sure if he wants to hear the answers. 

His mother turns back to face him and smiles. “Eric told us.”

“Oh.” He hadn’t… that isn’t how he wanted is family to know.

Josh lays a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. “Congrats, little bro. We’re really happy for you.”

Jensen looks at his brother. “Josh, what about Jared?”

His brother grins. “You haven’t even asked about your own injuries,” honestly, that hadn’t really occurred to him, “but you wanna know about Jared.” 

Josh swallows, and that alone tells Jensen that what’s coming is not good. He starts trembling and Josh’s hand squeezes him hard, just to let him know that he’s not alone in this. “Please, just tell me.”

But before Josh could even open his mouth, MacKenzie and his dad walk into the room followed by a woman with long, dark hair pinned in a messy bun, and sympathetic eyes. She smiles at Jensen. His father grins at him and walks over to ruffles his hair.

“It’s good to see you, son.”

“You too, Dad.”

The woman takes a step forward and holds out her hand to him, which he shakes awkwardly with his hand left, because his right arm is bandaged. 

“Well, Mr. Ackels it’s nice to finally meet you. My name is Dr. Miller and I’m here to check you over. See if everything’s working the way it should.”

Over the next half an hour, Jensen learns that he has three broken ribs, a broken right leg and an uncountable amount of cuts and bruises. His right shoulder was dislocated, but they have already set it. He isn’t allowed to move the arm just yet, hence the bandage. What did concern the doctors the most was his concussion, which explained his unconsciousness for the last three days. But Dr. Miller confirms that it’s all better now and that she’s very pleased with the way he’s healing. 

“Keep up the pace and you can go home in three to five days.”

“Do you really think that isn’t too early?” His mother asks and both, he and Josh roll their eyes. 

“Well, Jensen’ll still needs a lot of rest, but if he promises me not to overdo it, I don’t see why he shouldn’t be allowed to go home.”

“I’ll be there to make sure of it.” His mother says determined and suddenly Jensen dreads going home. 

Just before Dr. Miller can leave the room, Jensen finds the courage to ask her about Jared. “Dr. Miller?” She turns and smiles at him encouragingly. “My fiancé… he was in the accident with me. Can you… can you tell me something about his condition?”

“What’s his name?”

“Jared… Jared Padalecki.” Something flashes in the doctor’s eyes, but it’s gone as fast as it appeared, and Jensen doesn’t want to waste energy on unraveling it. “My brother told me that he’s still in ICU. Please can you tell me what’s going on?” His voice sounds a lot like begging, but he doesn’t care. He just wants to know that Jared’s fine or at least going to be fine. 

“Mr. Ackles, I’m not Mr. Padalecki’s attending, but I’ll make sure to talk to Dr. Walker and ask him to tell you about the condition of your fiancé.”

Jensen nods and Dr. Miller leaves the Ackles family alone. God, he craves Jared’s touch and voice. He needs Jared to tell him that everything is going to be okay. His mother strokes his cheeks.

“It’s going to be okay.” She reassures like only a mother can and he wants to believe her, but he also sees the looks of the other family members, and knows there is something they’re not telling him. “I’ve called Chris,” his mother continues, “he promised me to call all your other friends and he’ll be here as soon as he can.”

Oh god Chris. He’d totally forgotten him. Chris must have been scared to death that they didn’t get of that plane three days ago. 

“Thanks.” He leans into his mother’s touch a little more. 

Suddenly there is a timid knock at the door, and when Jensen looks up he sees a young woman standing there, long, dark hair flowing free over her back and she looks like she’s been crying a lot. 

“Megan?” It comes out as a question.

She steps into the room and tries to smile. It comes out a little crooked. Then she wipes her eyes and lets out a deep breath. “The doctor told us you’re awake. Thank God.”

When she continues to stand awkwardly in the middle of the room he motions for her to sit with him. Megan may be Jared’s sister, but since the first time they met over two years ago, Jensen feels fiercely protective of the young woman. She’s like a second sister to him.

“Come here. I won’t break.”

Megan crosses the distance with a few steps and when she’s close enough, she leans down and buries her head against his neck. He puts his good arm around her and rubs over her back, trying to sooth her. He exchanges a look with his family and sees only sad faces. What had happened that they were all this shaken? 

“Shh, Meggie. It’s okay, everything is good.” He doesn’t believe it himself.

The young woman pulls back and wipes her eyes. “Sorry, I’m just happy to see you awake.” She takes another deep breath as if to prepare herself for something. 

Josh pulls up a chair for her and she sinks into it, rubbing a hand over her face to pull herself together. When she takes her hand away, the crooked smile is back. 

“The doctor said that you wanted to know how Jared’s doing.” Jensen can only nod. “We decided it’s better that one of the family tells you, instead of some doctor. If you have questions later, you can still ask the doctor.”

“Meg, you’re scaring me.” That wasn’t really his voice, was it?

Josh’s hand on his shoulder is back and he can’t shake the feeling that his older brother already knows what Megan will tell him. And Josh’s there to pick up the pieces. Not a really reassuring thought. 

“It’s bad. It’s really bad, Jen.” And suddenly there is this buzz in his head and he can’t breathe, keeping him from hearing everything else Megan might say. Jared’s gonna die, he’ll die. No, it isn’t supposed to be like this. They’re supposed to have their happily-ever-after. 

“Jensen, breathe. Little brother you have to breathe.” Suddenly Josh is right in his face. “Jen. Jensen! Look at me. Don’t make me slap you.”

He snaps out of it and takes a deep breath that hurts like motherfucking hell thanks to the broken ribs. Necessary air fills his lungs and he gasps. “I can’t… Jay, my god… please.” 

Megan takes his hand. “Jensen, did you hear what I said?”

“That it’s bad.”

“Yeah it is, but he’s not gonna die. At least that’s what the doctors say.”

“He’s not gonna die?” Jensen asks desperately. 

Megan and Josh, both, shake their head. “No. He’s still in an artificial coma, but the doctors say that if he wakes up when they reduce the drugs, he’s got a good shot at surviving this.” Josh explains.

“Thank God.” Jensen lets out a deep breath.

“His condition is still critical, though.” Megan adds. “He suffered severe trauma. Several ribs are broken and one punctured a lung. There was internal bleeding and they had to remove his spleen.”

Jensen nods. “Okay.” He looks at Josh. “What does that mean? Will he be okay or does he have to take medication for the rest of his life or what?” His brother huffs and avoids Jensen’s gaze, looking at his apparently very interesting shoes. “Josh, just tell me. I can handle it.”

“There’s more.” Josh says when he looks back up. 

“What? What is it?”

It’s Megan who answers, “The truck crashed into the driver’s side and Jared was trapped between the seats. They had to cut him out.” A sobs shakes Megan and Jensen’s mother pulls her into a hug. 

“Jen,” Josh says, “theyhadtoamputatehislowerlegs.”

The words are a mumbled mess and Jensen isn’t sure if he understood what his brother was saying. It couldn’t be. It just couldn’t, he had to have heard it wrong. 

“What? What did you just say?” He asks getting more and more upset. 

“Jensen, you’ll have to calm down or you’ll hurt yourself.” Josh scolds, but Jensen just glares at him demanding an answer. When Jensen doesn’t move Josh sighs. “I said they had to amputate his lower legs. I’m sorry, Jensen.”

Jensen just looks at his brother. The words don’t make sense and he shakes his head. This couldn’t mean what Jensen thought it meant. There has to something wrong, they have gotten it wrong. His Jared, his strong and beautiful and invincible Jared, couldn’t lie in ICU without legs. That just isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Jared should be here, sitting next to Jensen and making jokes and promises about what he would do to Jensen when they came home. 

Home. Where’s home? They have a house in LA, but there is no way they’re going down there any time soon, not with their injuries. That means he has to call Rosa, ask her to stock the fridge and open all the windows to let in fresh air. Jared and he can stay there while getting better and then they can fly to LA and begin their new life. 

Apropos new life. He has to call both their agents and let them know what happened. This probably means that he and Jared won’t be able to start filming in a month. And that means they’ll lose the roles. God dammit. He had worked so hard, they both had, for these roles. 

When he realizes it’s dead silent in the room he looks at his family members watching him with deep concern in their eyes. He almost laughs, only almost. It’s funny how they look at him like he’s close to losing his sanity, but it’s Jared that lost both legs. They shouldn’t be sitting with him, looking at him as if it’s the end of the world. 

“I have to call Rosa.”

“What?” His mom asks stunned.

“I have to call Rosa and tell her that we’re coming back to the house. She can stock the fridge and make the beds. We have enough room. You can stay with us. Maybe it’s going to be a little crowed but we’ll work it out…”

“Jensen did you hear what I said about Jared?” Josh interrupts his rambling. 

Jensen looks up and nods. “Yes.”

“Jen, that means he won’t go home for months. He will need physical therapy and they need to find matching prostheses. It’s going to be a long way back. He needs to learn to walk all over again.” Josh explains and Jensen explodes.

“Shut up! Stop talking!” He yells. As fast as his anger came it’s gone and he feels drained. “Just shut up.” He whispers. 

His cheeks feel wet and only now he realizes that he’s been crying. He’s been crying the whole time, ever since Josh told him… . No, he won’t go there. Jared’s going to be okay. He just needs to believe that. Jared’s always been the strong one. He can’t… he can’t do it without Jared. 

It’s MacKenzie who sits next to him on the bed and pulls him into her arms. “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.” 

She kisses his head and he lets go. Even his little sister is stronger than he is. He clings to her with his good arm and cries. He’s shaking and it hurts, pain shooting through his chest, but he ignores it. If Jared has to live without his legs, he can stand a little chest pain. Finally, Mac’s soothing words calm him and he’s able to stop crying. His chest feels sore and hurts like a bitch, but it’s nothing in comparison to what he feels when he thinks of Jared. 

How will the younger man react to the news? It’ll turn his whole life upside down. Jensen isn’t even sure if Jared will be able to act anymore, or if someone will give him a role, if he’ll be able to. That thought makes his stomach churn. 

“Bucket.” He says and Josh is barely able to hand it to him before he empties the bile of his already empty stomach into the bucket. A few dry heaves later, his ribs threaten to kill him when he doesn’t lie back and he relaxes into the pillow. 

Warm hands holding a wet cloth to clean his face and he feels even more useless and vulnerable than before. He can’t even clean himself, but his sister smiles at him and cups his face between her soft hands. 

“Listen to me, Jenny.” He really hates it when she calls him that, but he doesn’t have the strength to say anything. “It’s all going to work out.”

“How do you know?”

Mac grins. “You’re both alive. That’s a miracle. You both need a few months to get back on deck, so what? It’s not the end of the world. Jared can still live his life. You both can, together.”

Megan comes to his other side and nods. Her tears have stopped, too. “Mac, is right. It’s not the end of the world. You can still get married. You’ll still have each other.” 

“And we’ll all be there to help.” His mother adds. 

“Son,” the gruff voice of his father makes Jensen look up, “we know it won’t be easy. And it takes some getting used to. But you’re both still alive and that’s all that counts.”

The words of his family start to sink in and it calms him tremendously. They’re right. Jared and he are both alive. They can make it work. He craves to see Jared. He needs to see him to know that it’s all going to be okay. 

“I wanna see him.”

His mother shakes her head. “Honey, you need to rest.”

“I. Wanna. See. Him.” He demands and tries to push himself up. The pain shooting through his chest keeps forces him to lie down again, though. He shoots a helpless glance at his brother. “Josh, please.”

“Jensen,” his brother lets out a deep breath, “Mom’s right. You aren’t even able to sit up right now. How will we get you to Jared, huh? You need to heal.”

“But Josh…” He knows he’s begging now. 

A soft hand falls onto his shoulder and squeezes. “Just for one or two days more. You’re no good to Jared if you hurt yourself more.” His brother explains with a pleading glance. 

Jensen knows his brother is right, yet it doesn’t calm him. He still wants to see Jared, craves to see Jared. He wants to tell him that everything is going to be okay, that he’s here waiting for Jared to wake up. Slowly he relaxes back into his pillow, knowing that no-one of his family will help him to see Jared. 

He’s tried, drained of all his will and all he wants to do is sleep. Sleep and forget this ever happened. Jensen wishes he could go to sleep and when he would wake up, he would be in his bedroom in LA snuggling with Jared and all this would be a nightmare. 

Donna kisses his temple and he closes his eyes tiredly. “Go to sleep, honey. We’ll be here when you wake up.”

“The house Mom.” He whispers, already slipping into darkness. 

“It’s okay, let us worry about that.”

He thinks he nods, but he can’t be sure before darkness surrounds him again. 

*~*

Two days later Chris and Steve are there when he wakes up from a disturbing dream of Jared crawling to him without his legs. He shakes his head to clear it from the images haunting him. It was just a dream. It wasn’t real. Jared will still be able to walk. He will still be able to live his life. 

He faces his friends with a fake smile on his face and they return it with exactly the same fake smile. Jensen can see that what happened to him and Jared had hit them hard. The both look like they hadn’t gotten any sleep lately, deep circles around their eyes and pale skin. 

“Guys, you look like you got hit by a truck.” It’s a poor attempt at a joke, but Chris and Steve take it for what it is and grin.

“I still look better than you, though, Jenny.” Chris replies. 

Jensen grins back, but turns serious a second later. “What’re you guys doin’ here, don’t you have somewhere to be?” He looks at Steve. “What about your tour?”

Steve shrugs. “It’s okay. We shuffled around a bit and I got a few days off to visit your sorry ass.”

“And for me, shooting doesn’t start for another week.” Chris adds. “So, how’re you doin’?”

Jensen winces, that’s the question he’s been dreading. He shrugs. “I’m fine.”

Chris raises his eyebrows. “Fine? You’ve got to be shitting me. I don’t want the official version. I wanna know how you’re really doin’.” His friend says anger audible in his voice.

He knew he wouldn’t be able to put Chris off like this. However, he hasn’t really thought about how he’s feeling. It’s only been two days since they told him what they did to Jared and he still can’t wrap his head around it, thinking that he’ll wake up and everything will be back to normal. 

“I don’t know.” He answers quietly. “I really don’t know. They won’t let me see Jared, telling me I have to rest. But it’s the only thing I can think about. I just keep thinking that if I could just see him everything would fall into place, y’know?”

Chris and Steve exchange a look. It’s always been this way between them; they always were able to communicate without talking much. 

“They’re right, Jen. You have to rest. Broken ribs can be a bitch.” Steve says. 

Jensen huffs. “Y’know, you’re supposed to be my friends. You could really be on my side.”

Chris rolls his eyes. “We’re on your side. You can’t even sit. How do you think you’d get to Jared’s room?”

“There are things that are called wheelchairs.” Jensen says indignantly. 

“Jen, you hurt when you even try to sit up.” Chris snorts. “How would you feel in a wheelchair?”

“I’d deal.” He knows he’s being stubborn, but the longer they keep him from seeing Jared the more he thinks that there is more that they’re not telling him. “Y’know, the longer I lie here the more I think y’all are keeping me from him. What the hell? I already know that they cut of his legs. I just wanna see my fiancé.” His voice got louder with every word. 

“Keep it down, Jenny.”

“Don’t call me Jenny, Christian.” Jensen snarls. He knows how much Chris hates being called Christian.

“Jenny, aren’t we a ray of sunshine today.” Mike stands in the doorframe grinning at him like a manic. He walks into the room and drops into one of the chairs. “You can calm down, though. I’ve just visited Jared.”

Jensen tries to sit up again, but a sharp pain forces him to relax into his pillow. “And… what… how’s he doing?”

“Still in an artificial coma, but his father says he’s healing pretty well.” 

Gerry came to visit Jensen a few times, just like Megan, Jeff and Sherry, and they all told him exactly the same, that Jared’s injuries are healing and he’ll be back to his old self in no time. Who’re they kidding really? They all know that Jared will never be the way he was before. 

Jensen just nods at Mike’s explanation. “Yeah, alright.” He leans back and closes his eyes, disappointment and betrayal burning in his stomach. Mike, Chris and Steve, they’re supposed to be his friends. They’re supposed to tell him the truth. But the more he thinks about it the more it feels just like something they were told to tell him to keep him calm.

“I’m sorry, Jen. I wish I could tell you more.” Mike adds. 

“No, it’s fine.” Jensen replies, his eyes still closed. “Could you just leave me alone, please? I’m kind of tired.”

“You only woke up, Jenny.” Chris chuckles.

When Jensen opens his eyes, he sees his friends staring at him. Chris is grinning, but his eyes are filled with concern, just like Steve and Mike’s. 

“I guess that’s what it’s like to get hit by a truck.” He turns away from his friends to stare out of the window. The sun is shining and it feels a lot like it’s laughing to his face. Tears sting behind his eyes, but he won’t let them flow, not now. 

“I’m sorry, that isn’t…” Chris starts.

“No, I know.” He’s still not looking at his friends, but he can feel their eyes on him. “Just, y’know, tired.”

“Okay, we’ll go get something to eat. We’ll come back later.” It’s Steve. Steve’s always the reasonable one. “Just so you know. We love you, Jen. We just wanna help.”

Jensen nods. He knows. Still it hurts, being kept in the dark. He listens to them leave and when the door closes the first tears begin to fall. 

*~*

It’s three days later when Dr. Miller decides that Jensen’s fit enough to visit Jared. She also explains that Dr. Walker, Jared’s attending, decided to reduce the drugs and let him finally wake up. All of Jared’s injuries are healing well and the doctors don’t see it necessary to keep him in a coma any longer. Dr. Miller and Dr. Walker also share the opinion that Jensen should be there when Jared wakes up. They explain that it always calms the patients when they see a familiar face. 

A nurse comes and helps Jensen into the wheelchair, while Chris, Steve and Mike wait to accompany him to Jared’s room. A part of him is pissed that they don’t trust him to be able to deal with seeing his fiancé, the other part is grateful that he has his friends and their support. They haven’t blamed him for being a jerk the other night, they just came back later and kept him occupied by telling funny stories that happened while filming or during Steve’s tour.

Tom has called several times over the last three days, telling that he’s sorry, but the production company of his new movie won’t let him have some days off. But as soon as filming wraps, he will be on his way to Vancouver. Jensen doesn’t really know why he deserves such good friends, but he’ll be forever grateful for them. 

Chris pushes him down the hallway in his wheelchair after charming the nurse and assuring her that Jensen would be in good hands. The middle-age woman lost her grumpy mood after a few well placed compliments from Chris and finally handed the wheelchair over to the other man with a conspiratorial smile. 

Before they enter Jared’s room Chris stops the wheelchair and looks at Jensen with serious eyes. “You ready, Jen?” Jensen nods anxious. He wants to see Jared like right the fuck now. 

Steve opens the door and Chris pushes Jensen’s wheelchair inside. The first thing Jensen sees is Sherry, who’s sitting next to Jared’s bed holding his hand. She looks up when she hears them enter and sends Jensen a small, tired smile. He smiles back, before his eyes land on Jared. 

His fiancé is lying there with his eyes closed, still connected to a ventilator. Bruises and cuts cover his face and arms, but they seem to be healing. Still, it’s a scary picture. Jensen swallows. He was so close to losing Jared and seeing him just makes it so much more real. His eyes skim over Jared’s body until they stop at his legs. Nausea overcomes Jensen and he can just keep himself from gagging. He wants to look away, but it’s like a train wreck, you just have to keep looking. 

He can’t see much, because of the blanket covering Jared’s lower chest and thighs, but he sees enough. The form of Jared’s thighs maps out under the blanket, but when his eyes wander lower he sees nothing and it scares him. The blanket just lies flat on the bed and it’s the scariest thing Jensen’s seen in his entire life. It makes is stomach churn and he wishes he didn’t eat his breakfast this morning. 

It’s so hard to see Jared like this. Jensen didn’t think that it would be this hard. It’s still Jared who’s lying there. It’s still the same man he fell in love with. But still, it’s so much harder when Jensen thinks of what’s to come for this amazing, happy, loving man. 

Chris stops the wheelchair next to Jared’s bed, the opposite side Sherry is sitting on and Jensen grabs the hand lying on the white sheet. It’s warm and soft and feels like proof of life. Jared’s still alive and that’s all that counts. They will get through this. Together, they will get through this. 

Sherry stands up and walks over to him. “We’ll give you some time.” 

He nods, thankful, as she bends down to kiss his head. He hears all of them leave and when the door closes, he looks up from Jared’s hand to his face. The other man is still beautiful. He looks peaceful and at rest. Jensen doesn’t know how the younger will react to the news. He can’t imagine what it would be like for him. Tears burn behind his eyes, but he refuses to cry. He has to be strong, strong for Jared. He can’t let Jared see how much this whole thing gets to him. That’s why he starts talking.

“Hey, baby. I’m sorry I couldn’t be here before. The doctors wouldn’t let me. But you don’t have to worry. I’m fine. They’re already talking about discharging me tomorrow or the day after. Now, you have to get better, so we can go home together. Mom let Rosa stock our house. Everything’s set for our return. Your Mom even talks about bringing the babies back up here. I think that’s a great idea. I bet you’d be thrilled to see them.” Jensen rubs his thumb over the back of Jared’s hand. “I love you, Jay. We’ll get through this together. I promise, it’ll be okay. Just wake up. I need to see your beautiful eyes, baby.”

Jensen sits there for hours, talking about their families and their friends, telling Jared all the stories Chris, Steve and Mike told him. He talks about Mac’s new boyfriend she told him yesterday about. He tells Jared that Eric, Misha, Jim and all the others have been here to see him, and that Tom and Jamie send their love. 

He talks until Jared family walks in followed by Dr. Walker. The elderly man visited Jensen, just as Dr. Miller had promised, and answered a few basic questions about Jared’s condition. He seemed capable. Jensen rolls back from Jared’s bed, reluctantly letting go, and joins Jared’s family. Megan kisses his cheek, Jared’s parents smile tiredly at him and Jeff just nods. Dr. Walker sends him a smile, too. Behind him, Jensen notices another younger doctor and two nurses. 

“Good to see you up, Mr. Ackles.”

“Jensen, please,” he says, “Mr. Ackles is my dad.”

Dr. Walker chuckles. “Jensen, then. I’m guessing that Dr. Miller already told you that we’ll take Jared of the drugs today and wait for him to wake up, then we can determine the next steps.” Jensen nods. “Good. First we’ll take him of the ventilator, though.”

A hand worms its way into his while his watching the doctors work and when he looks up he sees Megan standing there watching the doctors with fear in her eyes. He squeezes her hand, just to reassure her. They have to believe that everything is going to be okay. 

It doesn’t take long, but it feels like hours to Jensen, until Jared’s finally relieved of the ventilator and breathes on his own. Dr. Walker explains that it can take hours if not a few days for Jared to fully wake up. He will be in and out during the time, but they shouldn’t expect him to stay awake for long or even communicate with them. 

After Dr. Walker leaves, Jensen rolls back to Jared’s bed and holds his hand in silence. He doesn’t feel like talking anymore, not with Jared’s entire family in the room. He just wants to spend the time before he has to go back to his room as close as possible to Jared. 

*~*

Over the next couple of days, Jensen watches Jared drift in and out of consciousness several times. He’s never awake for long, just long enough to share a tired smile or a hand squeeze. Jensen is just happy that Jared’s waking up at all. He can be patient. 

He’s spent the last two days in a wheelchair next to Jared’s bed and he growls at everybody who wants to drag him away from Jared before he has to go back to his room at nine thirty. The nurses know where he is and he gets his food delivered to the small table beneath the window in Jared’s room. He isn’t really hungry, but he receives hard looks from everybody around when he doesn’t eat. So he eats, even if it’s just for the benefit of his family and friends. 

Jared’s family is with him in the room most of the time, but he tries to tune them out. It’s not that he doesn’t like them. He really does, they’re like a second family for him. But the thing with family, they can get kind of exhausting. So, he just tunes them out and thinks about the things he and Jared are going to do when Jared gets out of here. 

Right now, a long vacation sounds awesome. Somewhere with a beach and sun and no-one around but them. He talked to his agent three days ago and Dan told him that they would try to postpone shooting for a few weeks. However, when Jensen told him that he wouldn’t leave Jared alone until he wasn’t back to 100%, Dan told him that it would cost him the movie and honestly, Jensen didn’t even care. If that’s the price he has to pay to be with Jared, so be it. Dan was pissed and threw a hissing fit. Jensen just listened and hung up with a ‘See you later’. He didn’t really care about Dan’s problems when the man he loved lay in a hospital bed without his legs. He had better things to do. 

On the third day, after the doctors took Jared of the drugs, Megan rushes into his room with red cheeks and panting. Cora, his nurse had just helped him into the wheelchair and was about to push him to Jared’s room when Megan stops at his door. She looks upset and for a second Jensen thinks that maybe Jared didn’t wake up anymore. Suddenly he feels nauseous and his hands are trembling. The feelings last until Megan opens her mouth. 

“He’s awake. He woke up and you weren’t there and… you have to come, Jen… you have to calm him down.” Megan rushes out breathlessly. 

Jensen feels a surge of guilt in his stomach. Jared woke up and Jensen wasn’t there. He should have been there. Cora seems to understand his concern and pushes him down the hallway in record time. He already hears Jared scream his name when they turn into the hallway that leads to his room. When they reach Jared’s room, he sees that it takes four orderlies to hold Jared in his bed. His mom tries to calm him down, but he doesn’t seem to hear her. Dr. Walker stands by and fills a syringe with a crystal liquid. Jared’s father and Jeff stand offside and don’t seem to know what to do. 

Cora pushes Jensen into the room and he tries to drown out the chaos when he addresses Jared. 

“Jay, I’m here. I’m fine. You have to calm down, Jay.” His voice is loud, but calm and the second Jared hears his voice the fight seems to drain off his body. 

Two orderlies step back and Jensen rolls to Jared’s bed. The other man watches him with tears in his eyes. 

“Jen,” he sobs, “Jen you weren’t here.”

Grabbing Jared’s hand, Jensen ignores the guilt gnawing at his stomach. “I’m here, Jay. Everything’ll ,be fine.”

Jared relaxes back into the bed, tears still streaming down his face. “They cut off my legs, Jen. They cut off my legs.”

The lump in Jensen’s throat grows thicker, but he can’t let Jared see that. He plasters a smile on his face when he nods. “I know. But we’ll deal with it together. There are so many possibilities. You’ll be back to your old self in no time.”

“They cut them off. They just cut them off.” 

“I know, baby. I’m sorry.” Tears are burning behind his eyes, but Jensen refuses to let them fall. He soothes a thumb over Jared’s tear-stained cheek to wipe away the tears. “It’ll be okay. I promise.”

Dr. Walker stands next to Jensen. “Jared, I’ll give you a light sedative. Just so you can sleep some more.”

Jared shakes his head no, his eyes still fixed on Jensen. There is so much hurt and shock and uncertainty in them that it breaks Jensen’s heart. He squeezes Jared’s hand. “It’s okay, baby. Just sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Promise?” Jared sounds young and unbelievable vulnerable. 

Another fake smile appears on Jensen’s face. “I promise.”

When Jared relents, Dr. Walker places the syringe on Jared’s forearm and Jensen watches the crystal liquid flow into Jared. His fiancé doesn’t look away and Jensen soothes him by gently caressing his cheek and whispering declarations of love. It doesn’t take long for Jared to fall asleep again and Jensen sighs. 

“What the hell happened here?” He asks when he turns around to Jared’s family. 

Sherry sobs and buries her face into the crook of her husband’s neck. Gerry and Jeff seem still shocked from what they had witnessed before. The only one who seems to acknowledge his question is Megan. 

“He woke up and it was the first time that he seemed lucid. He recognized us and he even remembered that he had been in an accident.” She sighs. “He asked about you, because you weren’t here and mom told him that you’ll be here soon. But he didn’t want to believe her. He started to rip out his IV and that’s when he noticed,” she motions towards his thighs, “…his legs. I don’t know. I just ran to get you.” She’s crying now.

His little sister’s tears seem to snap Jeff out of his rigor and he pulls her into his arms, rubbing her back and whispering soothing words into her ear. Jensen feels weirdly out of place. This is Jared’s family and he feels like he’s intruding, even though he knows that Jared wants him here. He turns to watch the younger man sleep. Jared looks peaceful and innocent and way younger than his twenty-seven years and if it weren’t for the last tearstains on his cheeks Jensen would think what just happened had been a bad dream. 

He presses a kiss to Jared’s palm and entwines their fingers. “It’s gonna be okay,” he whispers to no-one in particular. It just has to be.

*~*

When Jared wakes the next time Jensen’s sitting in his wheelchair watching every single move his lover makes. He smiles when Jared’s eyes land on him. 

“Hey, sleepyhead. You sleep well?”

Jared shrugs. “Jen…”

Jensen squeezes the hand he’s been holding ever since Dr. Walker sedated Jared. “It’s gonna be okay, Jay.” A silent tear rolls down Jared’s cheek. “God, no, Jay, please… I swear it’s gonna be okay.”

“How?” He sobs. “How can it be okay again? They cut off my legs, Jen. How can it be okay ever again?”

A lump settles in Jensen’s throat and he just hopes Jared won’t notice. “They had to, Jay. You were crashing and if they hadn’t you would have died.” Jared huffs and looks away from Jensen. A cold feeling settles in Jensen’s heart. Jared couldn’t have preferred to die, could he? He leans forward. “Jay, listen to me. You’ll get prostheses and that’ll change nothing. You can still do everything you did before.” Jared still doesn’t look at him. “What? You would have preferred to die?” Jensen asks upset. 

“Maybe.” Jared’s voice is barely a whisper and at first Jensen thinks he imagined Jared’s response. But when the younger man looks up and meets his eyes he knows, he heard Jared right. Jared’s beautiful green-hazel eyes are empty and hollow; stripped of every emotion. And it scares the hell out of Jensen. He never would have picked Jared for someone suicidal, but it seems the accident changed it all. 

“No, Jay, don’t say that.” He says forcefully. “You have to live. Because you know why? I can’t live without you. If you would have died, I would have died right with you. So, you have to fight. Okay, baby?” Jensen only notices he’s crying when Jared brushes his fingertips through the wetness on his cheeks. “Please?” He’s not above begging. 

Jensen didn’t think he would acknowledge what Jensen had said, but Jared nods. He lays his palm against Jensen’s cheek and Jensen turns into the touch. “Okay.”

They sit like this for a few minutes until Jared speaks, biting his bottom lip nervously and Jensen knows that he won’t like what Jared’s about to say. 

“Jen, could you… hm, maybe…?” Jared sighs and starts again. “I just need some time to think,” when Jensen nods slowly, he adds, “alone. Please, just for a little bit?”

It confirms Jensen’s assumption that he wouldn’t like what Jared had to say. He doesn’t want to leave Jared, preferably never again. He wants to sit here and watch Jared, just to know that his fiancé is still alive and getting better every day. But he sees the need in Jared’s eyes and he caves. He couldn’t say ‘no’ to Jared, ever. 

“Yeah, sure. I’ll be in my room.” He scribbles down a number on a sheet of paper next to Jared. “Just call, when you need me.” He presses a kiss to the back of Jared’s hand and rolls back towards the door. 

“Love you, Jen”, he hears and turns around once more. Jared’s smiling at him, or at least he’s trying. 

“Love you, too, Jay. See you later.” Jared nods and Jensen closes the door after him. 

He hates the damn wheelchair and wishes he could walk instead, but the doctors hadn’t declared him fit enough to use crutches. Pushing the wheelchair down the hallway, he thinks about Jared. His lover had looked empty and hurt, just as if he wanted to give up. It breaks Jensen’s heart to see the younger man like this and not Jared’s happy, bouncy self he’s used to. He misses Jared’s broad smile and his dimples. He just wants his Jared back. But, somehow, Jensen knows that Jared will never be quite like before. That accident broke something in the younger man and Jensen just hopes it can be fixed. He’d do anything to fix it. 

*~*

Jared doesn’t call and Jensen spends the afternoon talking to Chris and Steve on the phone because they had to get back to their lives. And because Jensen insisted that they go back to their lives and promised he would keep them updated. Chris didn’t want to leave, but in the end Jensen’s promise to call had been enough and he had boarded a plane with Steve to LA. Mike had gone with them, having a project lined up that he couldn’t postpone. 

Both their families are still in Vancouver, but Jensen knows that they all have to go back to Texas soon, except maybe their moms. He loves his family very much, but he’ll be glad when they’ve gone back. They can be quite a hand full. Same goes for Jared’s family.

Dr. Miller comes and tells him that she’s thinking of discharging him the next day and Jensen should feel relieved, but he doesn’t. He won’t go home without Jared that much is clear. 

One of his nurses tells him about her newborn grandchild, while she takes his readings and they chat a little. But mostly Jensen just sits and waits for a call that never comes. 

*~*

They discharge Jensen the next day, but he doesn’t go home. He stays with Jared, even though the younger man doesn’t seem to realize that he’s there. Jared seems far, far away and doesn’t speak at all. The doctors reassure Jensen and Jared’s family that’s perfectly normal for someone who suffered severe trauma, to keep it bottled up. They encourage them to talk to Jared, saying that it always helps if a loved-one is around. 

On the second day after his discharge, his mother threatens to spank him if he doesn’t go home to shower and get some hours of decent sleep. Jensen doesn’t want to, but he knows better than to argue with his mom.

The next days and weeks pass in the same reoccurring routine. He sleeps at home in his and Jared’s bed, missing Jared like a limb, and he doesn’t miss the irony in that. He showers, or at least tries to - even though his still casted leg handicaps him more than he wants to admit - and eats the breakfast his mother makes for him. Then he drives to the hospital and sits with Jared talking about everything that happened between the day before and now, even reading the newspaper to his lover. Jared never answers. It hurts to see him like this and it hurts to be treated like that, but Jensen never complains, he is just there for whenever Jared is ready to talk. 

His father, Mac and Josh fly back to Dallas two days after he’s released and Jared’s dad, sister and brother follow the day after that, knowing that Jared’s well, or as well as it gets, and they can do nothing more for him. Sherry stays, just like Jensen’s own mom and Jensen is grateful that he doesn’t need to get through this alone. 

Chad and Sandy come to visit, after Jensen had called them, but Jensen isn’t sure if Jared even noticed them, too deeply buried in his own head. Just like when Eric, Jim and Misha visit. 

They’re all deeply concerned about Jared’s state, but there is nothing they can do and after two days they fly back to LA. Jensen promises to call, if something changes. Sandy kisses his cheek, Chad slaps his back, and handshakes and manly hugs are exchanged with Eric, Jim and Misha, before they’re heading back to their lives in LA. 

Jensen’s agent calls and ask if Jensen’s ready to read some scripts and he only says ‘yes’ because he doesn’t want to talk about how much he’s not ready. 

And when Jared’s agent calls to know when Jared will be back at work, Jensen’s ready to snap at her. She doesn’t deserve it, or maybe she does, but Jensen knows she’s an agent and mostly cares about the money. Both their roles had been recast in a hurry and the opportunities are gone, but somehow Jensen’s not really sad about it. All he can think about is Jared and that his lover gets better, and if that means Jensen’ll never act again, he’s fine with that. 

*~*

It’s three weeks later when Jared speaks again. Dr. Miller has just removed Jensen’s cast.

“I wanna go home.”

Jensen’s head snaps up. Jared’s looking at him and Jensen smiles and walks over to Jared’s bed. He had retreated to a chair next to the window, giving Jared some space. 

“Hey, baby. Welcome back.” He bends down and kisses Jared’s forehead. 

Jared smiles back sheepishly. “Hey.” He tugs at Jensen’s wrist and indicates for Jensen to sit down. He squeezes himself in the tiny space between Jared’s body and the edge of the bed and lets his lover’s body heat warm him. However, before he can say something, Jared’s already speaking, “I’m sorry I’ve been such a jerk the last weeks.”

“It’s okay. You needed some time, we understand.”

“Yeah, it’s just… I’m really sorry. Come here.” He pulls Jensen down and when their lips meet, Jensen feels like coming home. The kiss is gentle, full of emotion and perfect. When Jared sweeps his tongue over Jensen’s bottom lip, he opens up and their tongues slide together getting to know each other again. It gets a little heated after that, but Sherry’s return to the room disrupts the making-out. 

Both men blush, but Sherry just laughs. “Boys, that’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” She walks over to Jared’s bed and cups her son’s face. “You feel like talking again?”

Jared nods. “Yeah. I’m sorry.” 

His mother smiles. “Don’t worry, honey. It’s just good to have you back.”

“I wanna go home.” Jared repeats looking from his mother to Jensen. 

“Sure, I’ll talk to Dr. Walker. I don’t think that’s a problem, all your injuries are almost healed. I bet we can organize something at home for you to be comfortable and come back here for further appointments.” Jensen doesn’t want to outright talk about Jared getting his prostheses, but he’s sure Jared knows what Jensen is talking about. 

“No,” Jared shakes his head, “I mean, home to Texas. I don’t want to stay here.” He looks at his mother. “Maybe we could have the guest room on the first floor, until we’ll find a house.”

Sherry and Jensen exchanged a stunned look. Sherry is the one to regain her speech first. “I’m sure that’s doable. If that’s what you want, we can arrange that.” She runs her fingers through Jared’s hair. “You know, your father and me would love to have you.”

Jared smiles and his eyes shift to Jensen. Who isn’t really sure what to think of Jared’s request. He had thought that they would stay in Vancouver and then when the time would be right go to LA. But if Jared wanted to go to San Antonio then Jensen wouldn’t say no. If that would make it easier for Jared to deal with his new situation, Jensen would support his fiancé. 

The younger man seems to think that Jensen isn’t going to agree with Jared’s suggestion and squeezes Jensen’s hand. “Jen, don’t worry. I’m sure there are specialists in San Antonio, too. Maybe Dr. Walker can even make an appointment for me at a hospital.”

Jensen shakes his head to clear it. “No.” At Jared’s frown, he rushes to add, “I mean sure. I’ll talk to him and if he says it’s okay for you to travel, I can book the flights. If you want to go home, we’re going.” He smiles and Jared smiles back, kissing the back of Jensen’s hand. 

“I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

*~*

Five days later, they’re on their way to San Antonio. Dr. Walker had decided that Jared was fit enough to travel, but had also directly called one of his colleagues at San Antonio General Hospital to arrange an appointment for the next day. He had handed Jensen Jared’s patient record and a few more painkillers for his fiancé. He had also handed him a business card of a friend of his who had a practice in San Antonio. ‘Just if Jared wants to talk’, he had said and that was when Jensen noticed that it was a card for a shrink. He didn’t think that Jared would need one when he had Jensen to talk to, but he didn’t say so and just pocketed the card. 

They had been able to avoid the paparazzi parked in front of Vancouver Mercy Hospital and Jensen hopes that they will also be able to avoid any photographer who might be at San Antonio International. Jared has been sleeping for almost the whole flight and Jensen dreads the moment that he has to wake the younger man. His head is situated on Jensen’s shoulder and hot breath tickles Jensen’s neck, but he likes it that way. It tells him that Jared is still alive.

Both their moms are sitting in the row behind them. Donna had decided to fly back to San Antonio with them and Alan had offered to pick her up, even if that would mean a five-hour drive. She would stay a night with the Padaleckis and on Saturday, Alan would drive down and pick her up. 

The plane lands, and when Jared doesn’t wake right away Jensen leans over and whispers, “Baby, wake up we’re here.”

Jared moans, but opens his eyes and smiles at Jensen. He looks happy, but only for a second then a veil settles over his look when he remembers what happened. “Good, can’t wait to be home.”

It takes them almost two hours to get to the Padalecki’s house, but finally Jensen is able to sink on to the couch next to his fiancé. He lays a hand on Jared’s thigh, but pulls it back as soon he feels Jared flinch. 

“Did I hurt you?” He asks concerned. 

Jared shakes his head. “Just not comfortable.”

Jensen nods and doesn’t think anything about it. He unpacks their things into the drawers in the first floor guestroom a little later. While Jared stays in the living room reconnecting with his dogs, who had gone crazy as soon as they had heard Jared’s voice. Jensen is glad that his dogs are still able to make Jared laugh. He had smiled more since Dr. Walker had declared him fit enough to travel to San Antonio, but he had yet to laugh. And when Jensen hears him laugh in the living room it makes his heart swell. 

He walks back into the living room to see Sadie and Harley laying on each side of Jared on the couch and Jared pets them. The younger man looks up when he hears Jensen come into the room and grins. 

“I really missed them.” He says excited. “I almost thought they had forgotten me.”

“Nah,” Jensen bends down and kisses Jared’s temple, “You’re their daddy, and they wouldn’t forget you. They love you, man.”

Sadie looks up at Jensen and licks the hand the lays on Jared’s shoulder. Jared chuckles, “They missed their second daddy, too.”

“Yeah, what can I say,” Jensen smirks, “I’m unforgettable.”

Jared snorts. “Yeah, sure.”

He shoos Harley of the couch to settle next to Jared and his fiancé leans into his touch, lying his head down on Jensen’s shoulder. He runs his hand through Jared’s silky hair kissing his fiancé’s head and taking in Jared’s scent, shampoo and something uniquely Jared. 

“Mmmh,” he moans. “Baby, you smell so good.”

However, when he trails his hand down Jared’s back, the younger man tenses and pulls away. 

“Hey,” he asks, “you hungry? I’m starving.” He turns around in direction to the kitchen and yells, “Mom!”

Jensen is stunned. What the hell just happened? Never before had Jared pulled away from his touch. It stings and Jensen doesn’t know what to think of it. Sherry, Gerry and Donna come into the living room carrying two plates each. 

“We thought you might be hungry,” Sherry chuckles. She hands a plate to Jared and her son starts to dig in the moment he settles the plate on his thighs. 

“This is awesome, so much better than hospital food.” Jared moans around his fork and Jensen has to look away before he jumps him right here with their mothers in the room. 

Normally, Sherry insists on eating at the dining table. She doesn’t want her living room couch with food stains, but Jensen is sure that now that Jared’s here, rules will change at least until Jared gets his prostheses. They have to, to adjust to a son who’s currently sitting in a wheelchair. 

Dr. Walker told Jensen that would take some time until Jared could wear prostheses. His thighs have to heal complete before they can think about fitting prostheses. Until then Jared’s bound to the wheelchair to get around. 

They finish their delicious dinner talking about the weather and Gerry’s job, about Alan coming tomorrow and what Meg and Jeff have been up to during the last days. It’s all unimportant stuff, nobody is brave enough to bring up what they really want and need to talk about. It’s just a nice, carefree dinner and Jensen enjoys not thinking about the future for one night. 

When Jared starts to yawn, they excuse themselves to their room. Jensen helps Jared into his wheelchair. He is grateful that Jared is still in great shape and can carry most of his weight alone, while Jensen only supports him and watches out for Jared to not hurt himself. He helps Jared into the bathroom and suddenly an awkward silence fills the air. Back in Vancouver in the hospital Jared had a catheter and a nurse to help him with his daily business, but now it’s only he and Jensen. And Jensen doesn’t know what to do. 

“Ehm,” he clears his throat, “you need help with something?” 

Jared looks down playing with his shirt sleeve. “Nah, I think I can do it.”

Jensen kneels down to be eye-to-eye to Jared. He cups his lovers chin and forces Jared to look at him. The younger man blushes. “Jay, if you need help I’ll help you. We’re in this together, man. You just have to talk to me.”

“I just need to take a piss. Shouldn’t be too difficult.” He forces a small smile. 

Jensen nods. “Okay, but I’m right on the other side. If you need me, just yell, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” Jensen starts to leave. “Thanks, though, Jen.” He turns around and blows Jared a kiss before he closes the bathroom door behind him. 

He drops onto the bed and starts to undress himself, the whole time listening for every single noise Jared makes in the bathroom, ready to start running if Jared needs him. Jared doesn’t yell for his help, but when Jensen hears shattering and banging he runs into the bathroom. Jared’s lying on the floor between the toilet bowl and his wheelchair. Jensen rushes to his side, looking for blood and injuries. Relief fills him when he doesn’t see anything obvious. 

“Jay, what happened?” His voice is full of concern. “Are you hurt?” 

Jensen helps Jared to sit up and when his lover looks up his eyes full of anger. He’s pissed, Jensen can tell. 

“No, I’m not hurt,” he grinds out and then hits the wheelchair. “Damn thing.”

“C’mon, I help you.” Jensen pulls the wheelchair towards them and sets the brakes, but Jared swats his hands away. 

“Don’t…”

“Fuck, Jay. Stop being so damn stubborn and let me help you.”

“I should be able to do it alone. I just had to take a leak. I’m not a fucking three-year-old,” Jared retorts. 

“Then, stop acting like one.” They both look up to see Gerry standing at the door. “And let Jensen help you.” Jared sighs annoyed, but finally lets Jensen help him into his wheelchair. Gerry nods approvingly, before saying ‘goodnight’ and leaving. 

Jensen pushes a strand of Jared’s hair back behind his lover’s ear and sighs. “Jay, I know this is hard for you. But you have to let me help you. What if, you would have hurt yourself, huh? Please, just let me help you,” he pleads. 

Jared nods slowly, blushing. “It’s just… I don’t know… I feel so fucking helpless.”

“I know.” Jensen presses a kiss to Jared’s temple. “But it’ll get better. I promise and from now on you let me help you, okay?”

Instead of an answer Jared says, “I need to brush my teeth.” And Jensen knows he’s dismissed. He kisses Jared again, before leaving him alone again. Only this time Jensen doesn’t close the door and keeps a close eye on his fiancé. A short time later, Jared pushes his wheelchair into the room. He grins at Jensen still a little flushed and rolls to the side of the bed Jensen isn’t occupying. Stopping the wheelchair right beside the bed he sets the breaks and pushes himself up. 

Jensen’s there to help him and Jared lets him without saying anything, but ‘thanks’. Once Jared has settled comfortably he looks at Jensen, his eyes full of sadness and hurt and it breaks Jensen’s heart to see the most important person in his life hurting. 

“Jay,” he whispers and reaches out to the other man. 

Jared forces another smile. “It’s okay, Jen. I’m okay.”

Jensen doubts that, but he doesn’t say anything. He just rolls over to Jared’s side and presses his body flush against Jared’s. It feels weird. Where Jared’s lower legs should be entangling with his own is nothing just air and Jensen aches for the younger man. Jared’s whole body is tense under Jensen’s touch and he tries to sooth the younger man by running his hand over Jared’s chest and arms. But it doesn’t calm him down; instead he shifts away from Jensen. Hurt burns hot in Jensen’s body. They haven’t slept in one bed since the night before the horrific accident and now it seems they might be sleeping in the same bed, but Jensen still feels alone. 

They don’t talk and finally Jared turns away. Tears burn behind Jensen’s eyes, but he won’t let them fall. It’s selfish to think about what he needs when it’s Jared who’s hurting so much. He had thought Jared was doing better ever since they had left the hospital and Vancouver, but right now Jensen realizes that they still have a long way to go to make it alright. 

*~*

When Jensen opens his eyes he doesn’t remember falling asleep, but he must have because the clock on his bedside table tells him in green neon letters that it’s three am. At first he doesn’t know what woke him, but then he hears small sobs coming from Jared’s side of the bed. He turns around to find Jared still lying with his back towards him. He reaches out and touches Jared’s shoulder feeling his fiancé flinch. 

“Jared, what is it?” He asks quietly. The younger man shakes his head and pulls further away from Jensen’s touch. “Jay, if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t help you.”

A louder sob escapes Jared. “Y-ou c-an’t h-elp,” he stutters. 

“Baby, please. Just tell me what’s wrong,” he pleads softly. 

He’s openly crying now, but still refuses Jensen’s touch. Furiously, Jared shakes his head. “No, no.” He grabs his head. “I’m going insane.”

Jensen grabs the other man’s shoulders, ignoring how Jared wants to pull away. “You’re not going insane. Why would you think that?”

“My feet,” Jared laughs humorless, between sobs, “they hurt. They hurt so much I can’t sleep. But they can’t hurt, right? They’re not there. The doctors cut them off.”

Jensen knows what this is about. Dr. Walker told him about phantom pain. He also told Jared, but the younger man doesn’t seem to remember. 

“Jay, you’re not going insane. Dr. Walker told us about phantom pain.”

Jared shakes his head. “But he didn’t mention that it hurts so much. It burns and stings. And it won’t stop, Jen. It won’t stop.”

Jensen turns around and rummages through his nightstand until he finds the painkillers Dr. Walker handed him before they left for San Antonio. He takes out two and grabs the bottle of water he placed on his nightstand earlier. 

“Here,” he hands both to Jared, “take these. Dr. Walker said they’ll help.”

Jared swallows the pills and Jensen pulls him into his arms. He presses his lips to Jared’s tear stained cheeks, again ignoring the way Jared tenses. “It’s okay,” he soothes. “You’re okay.”

Slowly Jared falls asleep again and when his breath is strong and steady Jensen lets his own tears fall. He cries for everything they lost, but mostly because he can’t do anything to protect Jared from his pain. There is nothing he can do to make it better. The thought turns is stomach upside down and Jensen doesn’t think that he’ll be able to fall asleep again tonight. 

*~*

“Good morning, I’m Dr. Gregory. Sorry, I’m late. We had a little emergency.”

A woman with dark brown hair holds out her hand when Jensen looks up to acknowledge her. They’ve been waiting for fifteen minutes in the doctor’s office for Jared’s appointment. The younger man hasn’t spoken much ever since the last night. He’s refused to take any more painkillers when Jensen offered, saying that it wasn’t so bad anymore. 

Now, Jared just sits in his wheelchair looking out the window and it scares Jensen to see him like this again. It’s just as if they turned back time, and he’s back in the hospital with an unresponsive Jared. 

“Jensen Ackles.” He shakes the doctor’s hand with a tight smile. 

“And you are Mr. Padalecki, I guess.” She turns to Jared with a friendly smile. 

He nods and takes her hand but doesn’t say anything. It doesn’t seem to bother her; she just sits down behind her desk and flips through Jared’s reports. 

“Well,” she looks back up and still smiling, “I’ve already spoken to Dr. Walker in Vancouver and he explained to me what happened. First of all I want to say how sorry I am that you have to go through this. But you can be sure that we’ll take good care of you and you’ll receive best treatment we can offer.” She stands up again and walks over to Jared. “Mr. Padalecki, I’d like to see your injuries for myself.”

Jared shoots Jensen a look before looking back to Dr. Gregory. He chews at his bottom lip, but doesn’t respond. Dr. Gregory kneels down and touches his arm softly. 

“Jared? Can I call you Jared?” She asks and he nods. “I know you feel uncomfortable, but I have to take a look at your thighs to determine what steps to take. But I’m sure Mr. Ackles,” she looks at him with a look Jensen can’t interpret, “wouldn’t mind to leave us alone for a bit.”

What? Sure he minds. He wants to stay here with Jared. He belongs to Jared and surely Jared will tell her as much. But his fiancé keeps silent and avoids Jensen’s gaze. It’s answer enough for him and he stands. Anger burns in his stomach. Why wouldn’t Jared want him there? They love each other. They’re in this together. Only Jared doesn’t seem to think so. 

“I’ll be outside,” he says a little sharper than he intended and walks out the door. 

For the next hour he paces the hallway in front of Dr. Gregory’s office thinking about how Jared doesn’t trust him enough to want him there. It hurts and feels as if someone cuts through his heart. He can’t understand what happened; just that Jared didn’t want him there. Jared didn’t want him. And he wasn’t even man enough to tell Jensen himself. Anger is still burning inside him when Dr. Gregory opens the office door and waves him inside. 

“Jared asked for you.” 

Jensen doesn’t say anything just pushes past her. He finds Jared sitting in his wheelchair again biting his bottom lip. He looks up at Jensen through his bangs and Jensen feels like an ass for acting like a prissy little bitch. If Jared feels more comfortable in the room without him, it’s okay. He’ll deal. 

“I know you’re mad,” Jared starts and Jensen interrupts him.

“I’m not mad, Jared.” He smiles. “It’s fine.” But deep down it still stings. 

Jared nods. “Dr. Gregory says I’m healing fine. She thinks that I can start choosing prostheses. And I thought maybe you’d like to hear what she has to say to me.”

He notices that Jared says ‘I’ and ‘me’ and not ‘we’ and he also notices that Jared didn’t say that he wants Jensen there. But he nods and sits next to Jared. “Sure,” he says hoping that Jared won’t notice his hurt. 

Dr. Gregory walks back into the room and starts showing them literature and brochures about the different kinds of prostheses. She also explains to them what she thinks would be the most efficient and why. And when she finishes, Jensen’s head almost explodes because of all the information. 

“I already told Jared that I scheduled an appointment with a physical therapist for tomorrow at ten am. I think it’s very important to keep Jared’s muscles in form.”

Jensen nods. “Yeah, sure. We’ll be there.”

Dr. Gregory looks down at a file lying before her and when she looks back up a tight smile displays on her face. “I’m sorry to inform you, Mr. Ackles, that the appointment is only meant for Jared. You can certainly wait outside, though.”

Jared doesn’t look at him, playing with the sleeve of his shirt, and Jensen gets the feeling that Jared asked her to tell him this. The anger from before flairs back up. However, he nods and forces out, “Sure thing. I’ll wait outside.”

They say goodbye and Dr. Gregory hands him a note where Jensen finds the next appointment. Well, he’s good enough to play secretary and driver. That’s for sure. When they reach the car he helps Jared into the passenger seat and puts away the wheelchair. They haven’t said a word since they left Dr. Gregory’s office and somehow that makes Jensen even more angry. 

The drive home is uncomfortable and awkward. He doesn’t know what to think of Jared’s behavior and Jared does nothing to explain himself. He just stares out of the window watching the scenery fly by. They stop in the driveway of the Padalecki household and Jensen notices that one of the other cars is his father’s. Gerry, followed by Sadie and Harley, comes out to great them and help if necessary.

“I hope you don’t mind your father helping you out.” Jensen says tightly. Jared shakes his head. “I’ll go for a walk.” Jared still avoids him and Jensen gets out of the car. He smiles tightly at Gerry. “Could you help Jared out of the car?”

“Sure thing.” Gerry replies, but when Jensen starts to walk away, he adds, “Where’re you going, son?”

“I need to clear my head.”

“Maybe you should take the mutts than.” Gerry suggests and Jensen has to say it’s a good idea. 

He whistles and Sadie and Harley run towards him, sniffing and dancing around him. “C’mon guys. We’re going for a walk.”

He doesn’t look back when he walks down the street, but he feels Jared’s eyes burning holes into his back. Time passes, but Jensen doesn’t know how much and right now he doesn’t even care. He walks until his muscles starts burning and Sadie and Harley pant next to him. They all need a rest and Jensen drops down on a park bench, Sadie and Harley to his feet. 

The vibration of his phone pulls him out of his own head and at first he wants to ignore it. But then he just pulls it out and when he sees Chris’ name on the display, he flips his cell open. 

“Yeah,” he barks, sharper then he intended to, but who cares. 

“Jenny, hey. I just want to know how it’s going down there in good old Texas.”

Jensen huffs. “Great, just great.”

A moment of silence follows, before Chris asks, “What’s going on, Jen?”

“Nothing,” he says, not sure if he wants to talk about it.

“Yeah, sure,” Chris huffs a laugh, “you sound always this wrecked when it’s nothing. Now, c’mon spill it.”

“It’s,” Jensen hesitates before he adds, “Jared.”

“What about Jared? Is he okay?” Chris sounds concerned. 

Jensen sighs. “Yeah, he’s fine. It’s just, we went to his appointment at the hospital today, and he was so distant and he wouldn’t even let me be there for the examination. And then the doctor told me that she scheduled an appointment for physical therapy for tomorrow and once again I’m not invited. Jared didn’t say anything, but I know he doesn’t want me there and it hurts, Chris. It hurts that he doesn’t trust me enough, or doesn’t want me enough to be there.” He feels his anger dissipating and instead he feels hollow, empty and cold without Jared. 

“Jen, I’m sure that’s not what this is about. Jared loves you. He just has to deal with the new situation. It’s hard for the both of you.”

Jensen sorts. “When did you turn so sensible?”

Chris laughs. “I just tell you how I see it.”

“You’re right, though,” Jensen continues, “it is hard for me to watch him like that and there is nothing I can do. Last night he had phantom pain and he was crying because it hurt so much. It just… it breaks my heart,” he finishes. 

“I know, Jen. You just have to hang in there. It’ll get better.”

“How do you know that? He won’t even let me touch him beneath his chin.”

“Well, I guess, I wouldn’t be thinking about sex, either, if I were Jared.” Chris says earnestly.

“I’m not talking about sex, jackass. I’m talking about touch and holding him. He always flinches away.”

Chris sighs. “Jensen, you have to be patient, dude. It’s been only a month since Jared woke up without his legs. How do you think you would feel?” Jensen shrugs, even though Chris can’t see that. “Jared loves you. You’ll get through this.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Jensen says quietly. “I’ll just have to be patient.” He needs to change the topic. “Now tell me, how’s shooting going?”

Chris laughs and dives into stories of what happened on set. 

*~*

It’s late when Jensen gets back to the house. Sun’s already setting and Jensen shivers. He ushers the dogs into the kitchen through the back door and fills their bowls with water and dog food. The house is silent; too silent, thinks Jensen. Where is everybody? His parent’s car still parks in the driveway so they have to be here somewhere. He walks into the living room. On the way he pulls his boots off and hangs up his jacket. The room is dark and empty. 

“Hey, I was about to report you missing.”

He turns around and sees his mother standing in the doorway, grinning. 

“Yeah, sorry. I guess I forgot the time a little.”

“Well, we all need time for ourselves sometimes. Don’t worry.” She flips the switch and the lights illuminate the room in soft light. “So, you wanna tell me what this was all about? I mean, you needing some air and Jared’s sulking in your bedroom.”

Jensen shrugs his shoulders. “No, not really.” He looks around. “By the way, where is everybody?”

His mother sighs. “Fine. Just so you know I’m here if you need to talk.” Jensen nods. “Gerry and your dad are out getting dinner, and Sherry and I were in the conservatory, when we heard you come home. And like I said Jared’s sulking in your bedroom.”

He walks over to his mother and pulls her into a tight hug. She chuckles surprised. “Thanks,” he whispers into her ear.

“You’re welcome, honey,” she replies. “Now, go get your man.”

Jensen laughs pulling away from his mother’s comfort. “I will.” He walks down the hall feeling his mother’s concerned look on him. Knocking on the door he waits until Jared says ‘Come in’ to walk in. 

His fiancé looks surprised. If it is because Jensen’s here or because Jensen’s knocking he isn’t sure. 

“Hey,” Jensen says sheepishly.

“Hi,” Jared replies blushing.

“I’m sorry,” they both speak at the same time and stop when they notice. Jensen rubs the back of his neck nervously and motions for Jared to continue. 

“I should have talked to you,” Jared says. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“Yeah, well,” Jensen shrugs, “I should have been more patient. If you feel uncomfortable with me around, I’ll wait outside.”

Jared nods. “Thanks. It’s just… I don’t know how to explain it… I just don’t want anyone looking at me, at my legs.”

“Anyone or just me?” Jensen asks, dreading the answer. 

“No,” Jared rushes to explain, “it’s not you, Jen. It’s me. I just feel very self-conscious right now. I mean I used to be taller than most people and now I have to look up. It just doesn’t feel right and I need to get used to it. Please, don’t think that it’s just you.”

Jensen drops down on the bed next to Jared. “Okay,” he says, “can I kiss you now?” It comes out as a joke, but Jensen is deadly serious. 

The hesitation showing on Jared’s face is answer enough for Jensen and he lies back. Jared pushes up on one elbow hovering over Jensen. Hazel eyes meet green eyes, before he leans down and brushes his lips against Jensen. Jared’s lips are soft and he’s pretty sure that Jared ate gummi worms before Jensen came in. He doesn’t deepen the kiss, not wanting to chase Jared off. He just lays there and takes everything Jared is willing to give him. It feels like a start. 

*~*

“That’s the last one, sir.” Jensen looks up, from the box he had been unpacking, to the mover. Pushing up, he fumbles in his jeans pocket.

“Thanks,” he says, pulling out a few dollar bills and handing them over.

“No problem.” The mover takes the bills and shakes his hand. “Thank you, sir.”

The door closes behind the man who’s almost as big as Jared, leaving Jensen alone in their new home. After looking for several weeks, last week they had finally found a house that they both liked and in addition was only situated three blocks from the Jared’s parents. It had a big yard for Sadie and Harley and, besides the basement, all rooms where on one floor. They had decided they only needed two bedrooms, which worked in favor of a big living/kitchen area and a nice bathroom. One of the bedrooms would be used as office and guestroom. 

It feels like a new beginning. Buying a new house and starting over. Jensen just isn’t sure what it means to his old life, the life where he wanted to be a successful actor. It seems so fucking far away right now. He remembers the conversation he had with Dan a couple of days ago. 

His agent was getting nervous and he called to ask Jensen when he would be ready to work again now that his injuries were healed. When Jensen answered that he wasn’t going back to work until he was sure that he could leave Jared alone, Dan told him that he was wasting time he didn’t have. He wasn’t a multi-million-dollar hot-shot actor in Hollywood who could decide to take an indefinite break without damaging his career. Jensen was a second class actor and if he didn’t do a movie soon he would be forgotten and his career would be ruined. 

Jensen knows Dan’s right, but he can’t bring himself to care about that. His career isn’t his priority anymore. Truth is, his career hasn’t been his priority since the day Jared told him he loved him for the first time. He would have gladly given up acting if that would mean having a family with Jared. 

They haven’t talked about going back to work, but they have to approach the topic eventually. Jensen is pushing thoughts about the conversation as far away as possible because he likes his life right now, being close to his family and spending time with Jared. 

The younger man is doing better, at least Jensen thinks so. Jared still relapses to his unresponsive self he was when he was in the hospital in Vancouver from time to time, but he’s doing better with the touching and letting Jensen in. He has bad days where he only wants to lie in bed and doesn’t want to see anyone, but they’re getting fewer and fewer.

In two days they have an appointment for fitting Jared’s prostheses and Jared actually asked Jensen to go with him. He also talks more to his friends again. Just yesterday Jensen heard him joking with Chad on the phone. And Sandy is scheduled to visit for the next weekend. 

Jensen turns when the front door to their new home opens and Jared pushes his wheelchair inside. His parents follow him and Sherry is carrying what looks a lot like a casserole. 

“Wow,” Jared looks around, “I didn’t think they would be finished already.”

“Yeah,” Jensen nods, “they were really fast.” He goes over to Sherry. “Here let me take that.” He takes the casserole from her and walks into the kitchen. 

“Put it in the fridge. You can just heat it up later,” Sherry says after him. 

He does and when he walks back he sees that Jared and his parents already started to unpack the million boxes. Jensen walks over to Jared putting his arms around his neck. He leans down to brush his lips against Jared’s temple. 

“It looks really good. Don’t you think?”

“Yeah, it was a good idea to sell the house in LA and bring all the stuff here.” Jared looks like he feels at home already and it warms Jensen’s heart. 

With the help of Sherry and Gerry they’re able to unpack the boxes in a hurry. And when they sit on the couch later with Jared’s parents, the kitchen is stocked, CDs and books are alphabetized and Jensen and Gerry even managed to affix their LCD-TV to the wall. 

“Wow,” Jensen groans, “I feel every muscle.”

“Need a massage, baby?” Jared asks coyly and when Jensen blushes, Gerry takes Sherry’s hand and pulls her up.

“I think that’s our cue to go,” the older man chuckles.

“Bye, boys.” Sherry leans down kissing first Jared’s cheek and then Jensen’s. “We’ll see you tomorrow for Sunday dinner. Have a nice night.”

Jensen leans back and snuggles next to Jared, while he listens to Jared’s parents leave. Jared’s arm lies around him and his fiancé rubs circles down Jensen’s back. It’s soothing and Jensen drifts of to sleep, until Jared’s hand steals its way under his shirt. Curious fingers trace the curve of Jensen’s hipbone underneath his waistband. He looks up to see Jared’s eyes dark with lust. 

“Jay?” he asks softly. 

“I want you,” Jared whispers breathily. “It’s been too long, Jen.”

“You sure?” He needs to know that Jared wants this. 

“God, yeah,” Jared moans and slams his lips to Jensen in a bruising kiss. 

It’s anything but gentle. It’s possessing and aggressive and just what Jensen needs. He needs to know that Jared still wants him, that he’s still Jared’s. He pushes himself up and crawls to straddle Jared’s hips. His hips grind down against Jared’s crotch and his dick goes from half-hard to rock-hard in 0.2 seconds flat. His fingers sink into Jared’s hair and he holds his lover’s head to claim his mouth. He eats and bits and licks until Jared’s moaning into his mouth. Grinding their hips together they both groan at the much needed friction. 

Jared pushes Jensen’s shirt over his head, brushing over his nipples along the way. Jensen shivers and starts to pull and jerk at Jared’s shirt, until his fiancé is bare-chested. Trailing kisses down Jared’s neck he tastes his skin and relishes in the unique scent of his lover. He makes his way further down, kissing and licking and nipping at every inch of Jared’s bared chest. His lips find a nipple latching to it, sucking and rubbing to harden the nub. 

“Oh, fuck,” Jared groans. 

Continuing his journey he scoots down Jared’s body, kneeling in front of his legs on the floor. But when he reaches out to unbutton Jared’s fly the younger man grabs his hand. He looks up and sees the Jared’s not looking at him. 

“Jay? What is it?” He asks full of concern. 

Jared’s biting on his bottom lip and when he looks at Jensen, he sees that tears are building in the other man’s eyes. He pushes up and sits down next to Jared, cradling his lover’s face between his hands. 

“Baby, please, talk to me. Did I hurt you? Tell me what I did wrong,” he pleads quietly. 

“I…,” Jared shakes his head, “I… can’t.” He tries to pull out of Jensen’s hold, but Jensen tightens his grip. He can’t let Jared go now. 

“That’s okay, baby. We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”

Furiously Jared shakes his head. “No! I mean I can’t. It won’t work.”

Stunned Jensen is at a loss for words. He opens his mouth, but closes it again when he doesn’t know what to say. 

“I tried it by myself and it wouldn’t work, but I thought that if you…,” Jared chuckles humorlessly. “Well, I guess I was wrong.”

“Jay, please,” he tries to reassure the younger man, “it’s okay. We’ll try again some other time. It doesn’t matter.”

Jared’s head jerks away from Jensen’s hands. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter?” He hisses. “Well, good to know that it doesn’t matter to you if I can fuck you or not.”

“Jay, that’s not what I meant,” Jensen tries to interrupt his fiancé, before it gets worst. 

“Yeah? You know what?” Jared’s angry voice sounds in their new living room. “It does matter to me. It does matter to me that I can’t fucking make love to you when I want. It does matter to me that I can’t walk out of the room when I want to. It does matter to me that the sons of bitches cut of my legs, leaving me a cripple.” He’s yelling by now.

“Jay, you’re not a cripple,” Jensen says desperately. 

“No!” He yells back, “Well, open your damn eyes Jensen. Fucking look at me and tell me that I’m not missing half my legs.”

Tears sting behind Jensen’s eyes, because Jared’s right. He is missing his lower legs and Jensen can’t ever make that right again. 

“Jay, you would have died otherwise,” Jensen begs Jared softly to understand. 

“They should’ve fucking let me die, then!”

Silence echoes in the room. Jensen just stares at Jared sitting on the couch, red cheeks and an angry look on his face. Jared’s so pissed off right now and it hurts Jensen deep in his heart. He had thought his fiancé was doing better, but it looks like Jensen completely miscalculated Jared’s mood. It scares the hell out of him that he wasn’t aware of how much Jared’s been hurting all the time. 

“You don’t mean that,” he whispers desperately, unable to look away from Jared’s empty and hollow eyes. He reaches out to touch him, but the younger man flinches away. 

“Don’t,” Jared hisses, “don’t touch me.”

Jensen pulls his hand back, resting it awkwardly in his lap. He’s at a loss of what to do. The day had started like a new beginning, but right now it felt more like an ending. He watches the way Jared reaches for his wheelchair and drags himself into it. Jared pushes the chair down the hallway and when the bedroom slams shut Jensen flinches. 

Helpless anger burns in his body. The most important person in his life is hurting and he can’t do a flying fuck about it. He forcefully wipes the beer bottle of the table and when it shatters on the opposing wall it does nothing to sooth his rage. 

*~*

It goes all downhill from there. They don’t talk about what happened, even though Jensen tries to address that night. But Jared either changes the topic or doesn’t respond at all. They still share their bedroom, but there is no touching, no gentle words and Jensen doesn’t know how to make it right anymore. It feels like living in a shell, empty and hollow. Cold settles deep in Jensen heart, freezing his body to its bones. 

When Jared gets his prostheses, Jensen hopes his fiancé’s mood will get better, but it doesn’t. Jared pulls further back inside his head everyday. The only thing he really does is visit his parents every day, and since the prostheses fit he doesn’t even need Jensen to take him anymore. 

The weekend when Sandy visits feels like the longest in Jensen’s life. Jared doesn’t really talk to Sandy and Jensen isn’t in the mood to carry each and every conversation. Of course Sandy knows something is wrong, but she doesn’t say anything. She just watches them with sad, concerned eyes. It’s uncomfortable as all hell. 

Jensen watches Jared’s every move ever since he dropped the statement about wishing the doctors would have let him die. He’s scared that if he just lets Jared out of his sight for one minute he will do something stupid, like kill himself. Jared’s noticed that he’s reluctant to let Jared go somewhere alone and it doesn’t help to reduce the distance building between them. 

It’s three weeks after their fight when Dan calls. Jensen looks down at the blinking display and sighs before he answers his phone. 

“Yeah?”

“Jensen, it’s Dan.”

As if he didn’t know that. “Yeah, it said so on the display. What do you want Dan?” He asks annoyed. 

“I’m calling to ask how long you wanna keep ruining your career.”

“As long as I want to.” Jensen snaps back. 

Dan sighs. “Jensen, listen to me. Producers are still interested in you and if you choose to do a movie now, we could still do damage control.”

“I don’t care, Dan,” he groans. “I won’t leave Jared right now. He’s not stable.”

“Jensen,” Dan tries again. 

“No! Dammit.” He curses. “I’m not going back to work any time soon.”

Silence hangs in the air for a long time, before he hears Dan take a deep breath. “Well, if that’s your decision I have to tell you the agency will terminate their contract. We can’t keep actors in our files who don’t want to work. I’m sorry, Jensen, but if you don’t come back to LA and grow some fucking balls, there is nothing I can do for you.”

Jensen had already thought about cancelling their contract, it doesn’t surprise him that the agency takes this next step first. “Well, I guess that means goodbye, then.”

“Goodbye, Jensen,” Dan says calm. “I wish you the very best.”

“Bye.” He flips his phone shut. 

“So, I’m not stable.”

He spins around to see a pissed-off Jared standing in the doorway, leaning on the crutches he still needs. He’s wearing his now ever present sweatpants and a worn t-shirt. Jared looks like he just got out of bed, which he probably did. Since, he spends his days mostly in bed or on the couch these days. He hasn’t shaved in weeks and the last shower was at least three days ago. 

“That’s not what I meant, Jared.” Jensen sighs exaggerated. 

“So, what did you mean?” Jared asks angrily demanding an answer. 

“Jay, please,” Jensen pleads, “I don’t wanna fight with you anymore. I’m sorry it came out like this. I’m… I’m just worried about you.”

“Well, don’t worry, Jensen. I’m doing great.” Jared explains tightly. “So, you can just go back to your life and be a hotshot Hollywood actor.” Hurt and shattered dreams sound in Jared’s defensiveness. 

Jensen takes a step in Jared’s direction, but the younger man backs away. “Jared, I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying here, with you.”

“Don’t bother,” Jared snaps turning around.

Jensen watches him hobble down the hallway. Jared’s still not used to his crutches and it’s a slow walk, but Jensen understands nonetheless. Jared’s walking away from him. The slam of the bedroom door echoes in Jensen’s head for the rest of the evening. 

*~*

“I’m selling the house in Vancouver.” 

Jared says out of the blue one night when their having Chinese take-out. It had been a quiet day. Going by without the usual fighting Jensen had gotten so used to over the last days and weeks. However, it looks like it had just been the calm before the storm. 

“Why?” Jensen looks up from his Chicken Kung Pau. 

Jared shrugs uncomfortably. He looks pale with dark circles beneath his eyes and thinner then he used to. Jensen knows he’s not sleeping well, always tossing and turning. But the one time Jensen asked if he could do anything, Jared just snapped at him. Now, he just lies next to the man he loves feeling his heart ache over the distance that formed between them. 

“I’m not going back to Vancouver. I don’t need it anymore.” He pushes his bangs out of his face. “I’m just telling you, so you’re not surprised when the real-estate agent calls.”

“But Jay,” Jensen feels thrown completely of his guard. “I mean, it’s our house. It’s where we…”

“This is not up for discussion,” Jared interrupts coldly. “I don’t need it anymore. That’s just how it is. And it’s my house. I can do what I want with it.”

Jensen feels his heart break. Legally, Jared’s right. The house is his and he can do whatever he wants to do with it. But emotionally, it’s their house. It’s where they were happy, talking about marriage and kids and a future that right now seems so far away that Jensen can’t even picture it. 

He pushes back from the table. Tears burning behind his eyes and he’s not ready to let Jared see how much he hurts Jensen with is behavior. Jensen still thinks and hopes his - he doesn’t even know what Jared is to him at the moment -, that Jared will get better. 

“Oh, before you leave,” Jensen turns around, swallowing around the lump in his throat, “I’ve also talked with Sylvia.”

Jensen raises his eyebrows at that. Jared had avoided each and every call of his agent for several weeks now. “Yeah? What did she say?”

“She said the agency won’t present me anymore. They have no work for a cripple.” Jared’s voice is like ice and Jensen feels the room temperature drop. 

“I’m sure she didn’t say that,” Jensen tries at least to pour oil on troubled water. 

“Maybe she put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig, Jensen.”

“Well, we’ll find you another agency, then.” There is still hope and Jensen clings to it desperately. 

“Don’t you think I tried,” Jared laughs humorlessly. “I called every damn agency. No-one wants to represent a cripple. It’s over, Jensen.”

“No,” Jensen shakes his head. “No, I’ll call Dan. We’ll find a way.” He’s desperately looking for something to make this situation better. 

Jared looks down at his sweet and sour chicken shaking his head. “Don’t, Jensen. It’s over and done. I’m not gonna act anymore.” He says quietly and vulnerable. 

“Jay,” Jensen walks two steps towards the younger man, but Jared backs away like he does every time these days. “It’s not the end of the world.”

“No, it’s not.” Jared forces a smile. “Don’t worry. I’m fine.”

And then it’s Jared who walks out of the room and leaves a hurting Jensen behind. He hears the bedroom door close a few seconds later. It feels odd not to hear it slam shut. He’s gotten used to the sound. 

Sadie and Harley follow him when he walks out on the patio. They always hide somewhere when Jared and Jensen start to fight and at first, they sat outside of the bedroom door waiting for Jared to let them in. He never did and now they turn to Jensen for comfort. These two are Jared’s babies and he loves them more than anything, at least Jensen thought so. But right now, Jared’s distance himself from everybody in his life. Even if he goes to visit his parents, he never stays long these days and he never talks much to them. It scares the hell out of Jensen, but he doesn’t know how to make it better. 

He pulls out his cell and speed-dials the familiar number. It doesn’t take long until he hears Steve’s laughing ‘Hello’ with laughing and music playing in the background. 

“Hey, it’s me.” He says, quietly wondering if he disturbed something. 

“Hey,” the concern audible in Steve’s voice. “Wait a minute.” He hears Steve talking to someone and then a door closes and it’s silent. “I’m back. What is it?”

“Did I interrupt something? I didn’t want to bother you.” Jensen says rapidly. 

“Naw, don’t be stupid. You know you can always call.” Steve takes a deep breath. “So, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know what to do, Steve. Jared’s only a shadow of his former self and I don’t know what to do anymore. He doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t tell me what’s going on in his head. He barely eats. He doesn’t take care of the dogs. He’s just so distant all the time.” Jensen knows he’s crying by now, but he knows Steve won’t call him on that. 

“Jen, Jared’s going through a fucking difficult time right now. He probably doesn’t know how to deal with that, either.”

“He’s selling the house in Vancouver.”

“Oh,” Steve replies knowing exactly what it means to Jensen. “Why?”

“Because, he doesn’t want it anymore.” What Jensen doesn’t say is ‘He doesn’t want me anymore’. “And his agent called to tell him that the agency is cancelling their contract.”

“Well, shit, that sucks. I’m sorry.” Steve sighs. “Have you talked to his parents?”

“Yeah, they’re just as fucking helpless as I am.” Jensen sighs. “I’m so fucking tired, Steve. I just don’t know what to do.”

“How about you come out here for a few days? Maybe some distance would do you good. Give you two some space.” Steve suggests. 

Jensen hesitates. He’s still hearing Jared’s voice from the night several weeks ago. ‘They should’ve fucking let me die, then!’ “Steve, I don’t know…” He says quietly. 

“Oh c’mon, Jen. We miss you. And I really think some time away would do you good. Just for a few days.” 

“Yeah, okay,” he sighs. Maybe some time away would really do him good. “But I have to talk to Jay first.”

“You do that. Let me know when you’ll be here, okay? I’m gonna pick you up then.”

They talked some more about trivial things, like the weather in LA and some party Mike had the other night. It feels normal and the longer Jensen thinks about going to LA the more he likes the idea of spend some time with his friends. 

*~*

After talking to Jared, who was surprisingly fond of the idea, telling Jensen that it would do him good, he booked the flight for the following Friday afternoon. He would be back in San Antonio on Sunday night. He’s just packing his bag when Jared walks in. 

“Hey.”

Jensen looks up from his bag to see Jared nervously chewing his bottom lip. “Hey.”

“Ehm,” Jared starts sheepishly. “I… I wanted to say sorry.”

Jensen raises his eyebrows in surprise. “For what?”

“Acting like the biggest asshole on the planet.” Jared explains. “I mean, you’ve been so good to me, taking care of me and I’ve been insufferable. So, I’m sorry.”

He thinks about walking over to Jared, but he doesn’t want to spook the younger man. But Jared surprises him again when he walks over to Jensen and presses his lips against Jensen’s in a chaste kiss. When he pulls back, Jensen can still feel his lips tingle. He hasn’t been kissed in a long time and it makes his heart swell. 

“I love you, Jen,” Jared whispers against Jensen’s lips. 

“God, I love you too, Jay,” he sighs and lays his head against Jared’s shoulder. 

Jared’s long arms surround him, holding Jensen close. “It’s gonna get better. I swear:”

Looking up, he meets Jared’s hazel eyes. For the first time in a long time, they shine with love and care. 

“I’ll be back in two days. We’ll start over then.” Something flashes in Jared’s eyes when Jensen says that, but he’s too busy feeling happy to examine Jared’s every emotion.

“Yeah. I’ll let you get back to packing. You need a lift to the airport?” Jared asks.

“No.” Jensen shakes his head. “I’ll take a cab. Don’t want to bother you.”

“Jen, you don’t bother me.”

“Really, it’s okay. It’ll be fine.” Jensen reassures his fiancé. For the first time in weeks, it feels right to call Jared that. 

Two hours later, Jensen’s sitting in a cab on his way to the airport. He thinks about Jared and his apology feeling better than he has in weeks. Finally it’ll get better. 

He thinks about the way Jared looked at him in the moment Jensen talked about a fresh start and his heart starts to fall. It couldn’t be, could it? Thinking about it now, Jensen’s is sure that it was sadness and in combination with Jared’s apology, it feels a lot like ‘goodbye’. But Jared wouldn’t, would he?

“Hey, buddy,” Jensen calls out to the cab driver, “you need to turn around. I’ve forgotten something.” 

The cab driver sighs, but turns the car around at the next possibility. They’re already a good half an hour away from Jensen’s and Jared’s house, but Jensen prays that he won’t be too late. He can’t be too late. How could he have been so stupid thinking that Jared would suddenly be okay again? 

The clock ticks by even slower and every traffic light seems to be red. Jensen wants to curse and scream, but he knows it won’t help him get to Jared faster. Thirty-five minutes later, he pays the cab drive and rushes inside their house. The dogs come running.

“Hey, guys where’s your daddy?” He asks looking in two pairs of sad eyes. 

As if she understood what Jensen’s been asking, Sadie trots down the hallway towards the bedroom. Jensen runs past her and bursts into Jared’s and his bedroom. Jared’s lying on the bed. It looks like he’s sleeping, but the empty painkillers bottle betrays the peace. Jensen stumbles over to the bed. 

“Don’t let me be to late,” he whispers again and again like mantra. 

He touches Jared and he’s still warm, but he’s barely breathing. Jensen yanks out his phone and with trembling fingers he dials 911. He tells the operator he needs an ambulance asap, explaining what happened and which pills Jared overdosed on. The operator tells him to stay calm and start CPR while the ambulance is on its way. 

Jensen does as he’s told and the whole time he thinks what would have happened if he didn’t replay their conversation, if he hadn’t noticed the sadness in Jared’s eyes. Cold shivers run down Jensen’s spine, even though he’s sweating. 

It feels like eternity, but finally the paramedics find their way to Jared’s and Jensen’s bedroom, taking over Jensen’s work. While they work on stabilizing Jared, Jensen flips open his phone and calls Jared’s parents, asking them to meet him at the hospital. The second call is to Steve.

“Hey, Jen. You at the airport?” Steve asks cheerfully. 

“I can’t come,” he whispers.

“Why? What happened?” All of a sudden Steve’s voice is full of concern.

“Jared,” A sob escapes him. “He tried to kill himself.”

“Dammit,” Steve curses. “I’m coming down there asap.” Jensen listens to him take a deep breath. “It’s gonna be okay, Jen. I’m on my way.” 

The call is disconnected and Jensen follows the paramedics outside into the ambulance. He’s not gonna leave Jared alone ever again. 

*~*

If someone would ask Jensen later what happened next, he would shakes his head and tell them that he doesn’t remember. Because the next hours pass in blur of questions and tears and hugs and reassurances, and honestly Jensen doesn’t remember specifics. 

When Steve gets to the hospital several hours later, Jensen is perched on a chair in the waiting room looking around without really taking anything in. The only thing he can think about is that if he hadn’t been on the way to LA, Jared wouldn’t be lying in the hospital. 

Nobody has told them anything besides that Jared will make it. And it feels a lot like déjà-vu. Megan arrived a little after them. And Jeff and Jensen’s mom are also on their way. He had tried to tell his mom ‘no’ but she didn’t budge, saying that he needed her and she would be there. 

Jensen looks up when Steve bursts into the waiting room and a second later, he finds himself enveloped in a big hug. Steve’s normally not the touchy-feely-type, but Jensen guesses desperate times call for desperate measures. 

“Hey.” Steve pulls him down to the chair he’s been sitting in for hours now. “So, I called Chris, Mike and Tom, and Chad and Sandy. They’re all gonna be here as soon as possible.”

Jensen’s head jerks to his friend. “They don’t have to do that. There’s nothing they can do. The doctors won’t even let us see him. But they say he’s gonna pull through.”

“Yeah, well. They’re your friends so they wanna be here. No one really knows what to make of it.” Steve takes a deep breath. “I swear Murray cried when I told him. And Sandy thought I was joking for a whole two minutes, before she broke down.”

“Dammit.” Jensen rubs his hands over his face. “I can’t believe what happened. It feels all like a bad dream, as if I’m gonna wake up and he’s lying next to me unharmed.” He shakes his head. “If I just hadn’t agreed to this trip.”

Steve grabs his shoulders. “No, Jen, no. This is not your fault. You couldn’t have known.”

“Well,” Jensen pulls free of Steve’s grasp, “I should have known that Jared’s mood and all the crap he always said about wishing the doctors had let him die meant something. But I did nothing. I just kept my mouth shut, because I thought it has to get better sometime. I was wrong. I was so wrong and now Jared’s lying somewhere in this hospital wishing he would die.”

“I’m sorry, Jen. I’m so sorry.” Steve whispers. “I didn’t know it was this bad.”

“What if I wouldn’t have turned around? What if I would have flown to LA? I don’t know what I would have done if Jared had died. I can’t live without him. I can’t, Steve. I just can’t.” He wipes at the tears streaming down his face. He can’t remember crying some much in a long time. 

Steve lays his arm around his shoulder. “You don’t have to, Jen. You turned around and you found him, and Jay’s gonna be fine.” 

“I don’t think so.” Jensen shakes his head. “I don’t think Jared’s ever going to be fine again. Something is broken, Steve. And I don’t know how to fix it.”

“You’ll find a way. I just know it. Because if you don’t make it as a couple, I don’t see much hope for any of us.” Steve smiles. “Hey, you two are epic. So, you just have to make it work and give the rest of us unlucky bastards something to believe in.”

At some point in the past, Jensen would have agreed with Steve. He would have said that nothing could come between Jared and he, but over the last weeks, he doubts it more and more. He isn’t sure if they’re still the same people they were before the accident. And right now, Jensen isn’t sure if the people they are now are even meant to be together. He hopes so, he really does. But at this moment, it looks as if they’re just not and it hurts.

*~*

It takes a week until Jared’s allowed visitors. They say it’s hospital policy and Jeff, being a shrink himself, confirms it to Jensen. Patients who are on suicide watch aren’t allowed to have visitors until they’re declared stable enough. It drives Jensen crazy, though. He goes running with Sadie and Harley at least three times a day, something he has never done before. But he needs to keep his mind off Jared lying alone in a hospital bed and if that’s what it takes, he’ll do it. 

Chris, Chad and Sandy had arrived a day after the incident, that’s what they are calling it now, and keep him company in their too big and empty house. Jensen also talked to Mike and Tom, on the phone. Jim called, just like Eric, both offering their help and Jensen declined kindly, telling them there’s nothing they could do. However, he promised to keep them posted. 

At first, only Jared’s immediate family is allowed to see him. That means Jensen is still forced to sit at home with Steve, Chris, Chad, Sandy and his mom, who are all waiting to see and talk to Jared. Sherry keeps them up to date and Jeff informs them that Jared’s doing better and will probably be discharged sometime soon on the condition of seeing a shrink at least three times a week. It makes Jensen feel a little better, but the guilt of not seeing the pain and desperation Jared was in and still is, still eats at him. 

Jensen’s finally allowed into Jared’s hospital room two weeks after his fiancé tried to kill himself. His heart is beating hard in his chest when he turns the doorknob, because he’s at an absolute loss for what to expect. It’s definitely not the pale, young man who’s lying in the bed and doesn’t look anything like the Jared Jensen’s used to. He’s lost weight and dark circles surround his hazel eyes. They used to sparkle with life and happiness, now they look dull and empty. Jared doesn’t say or do anything when Jensen walks into the room. He just lays there watching the ceiling. 

“Hey,” Jensen says quietly. He pulls a chair up to Jared’s bed and sits down. “How are you?” It’s a really stupid question, but Jensen can’t think of anything else to say. 

Jared shrugs, but stays unresponsive. Jensen wants to take the younger man’s hand, but he doesn’t because he’s not sure how Jared will react. They sit in silence for a long time, until Jared breaks it. 

“What are you doing here, Jensen?”

Jensen is stunned. Why wouldn’t he be here? “I wanted to talk to you. See how you’re doing. Understand why you did what you did.”

Jared nods, but just says, “You should go home, Jensen.”

“Jared, please just…”

“Go home. Leave, Jensen.” Jared interrupts him. 

Jensen stands up, anger burning deep in his belly. “I’m not gonna leave you, moron. You hear me. You want to end this, you have to do it. I’m not doing it for you.” He walks towards the door before he turns back. “Just so you know. I’m in this for the long haul. If you’re not, just let me know.”

The door slams behind him and he finds Jeff leaning against the opposite wall. Jared’s brother sends him a sad, understanding smile. 

“I’m sorry.” He says. “I’m trying to beat some sense into him. Just give him some time. He’ll come to his senses eventually.”

Jensen shrugs. “You really think so?”

“Well, he’s my brother. I’ve know him since he pooped into his diaper.”

Jensen snorts. “Yeah, well. I just hope you’re right. I’m going home. You’ll keep me posted, okay.”

Jeff nods laying a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “He loves you, Jensen. He just needs to see that.” Jensen nods. “Go, get some rest. I’ll call.”

Jensen walks down the hallway leaving Jeff to care for his little brother and it feels as if he’s betraying Jared by leaving. He wants to be there, but Jeff’s right, Jared has to want that. 

*~*

Chad and Sandy visit Jared, while Chris and Steve decide to stay behind with Jensen. It looks as if their friends have already taken sides. Even if it’s not over yet, not officially at least. 

It’s four days after Jensen’s visit when his cell vibrates. He’s just eating breakfast with their friends. Jensen’s mom had already gone back to Dallas, after Jensen reassured her that he was in good hands with his friends in town. When he looks at the display and sees Jared’s name, he excuses himself from the breakfast table and walks into his bedroom, completely unaware of the curious glances their friends shoot him.

“Jared? Hey.” He answers his phone with forced cheerfulness. 

“Hey,” Jared’s voice sounds tired and empty. “I’m just calling to let you know they let me go home today.”

“Oh. That’s great.” Jensen takes a deep breath. “When should I pick you up?”

An awkward pause follows, until Jared says, “Jeff’s coming to pick me up. I just wanted to know if you’ll be home this afternoon.” Another pause. “We need to talk.”

“Oh. Yeah, well sure. When’ll you be home?” He just hopes Jared can’t hear how disappointed he is that Jeff’s gonna pick up Jared. 

“Around four.” Jared clears his throat. “I guess I’ll see you then.”

“Yeah. I’m glad. See you later.”

“Later.” And the call is disconnected. 

Jensen flips his phone shut and sits on their bed. Jared’s coming home. It feels good and it feels even better that Jared wants to talk. They haven’t really talked in so long. They’ll fix this. It’s going to be okay. Now, he just has to get their friends out of the house for the day, so they can talk privately. 

*~*

Three hours later, Chris, Steve, Chad, and Sandy are gone. They’ve decided to check into a hotel for the night and give both, Jared and Jensen, some time to reconnect. They suggested having dinner tomorrow if Jared’s up to it. Jensen’s really grateful for their friends. They have to get back to their lives eventually, but right now, Jensen’s glad they’re here. 

Jensen goes for another run with Sadie and Harley, before taking a too hot shower to calm his nerves. His heart is beating a mile a minute. He feels a little like a teenager before his first date. It’s ridiculous really. Jared and he are together for over two years now. There’s no reason to feel like a insecure fifteen-year-old. 

When Jared opens the door at four-thirty, Jensen’s is a nervous wreck. Sadie and Harley are up on their feet the moment they hear the keys jiggle outside, barking and trying to get to Jared first. He bends down to pet and greet them. For the first time in a long time, he really pays attention to them and it warms Jensen’s heart. It shows that Jared’s doing better, just like Jeff told him every night on the phone. 

After a little while, Jared turns to him and Jensen shoots him a bright smile. 

“They really missed you.”

Jared smiles shyly. “I missed them, too.” He looks down at them. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a crappy daddy.” Sadie licks his hand and Harley rubs his head against Jared’s arm. They have already forgiven Jared. 

“So, you want something to drink?” Jensen asks walking into the kitchen to get himself a beer. “Chris, Steve, Chad, and Sandy went to a hotel. They asked if we want to have dinner with them tomorrow. I said I’d talk to you first. See if you’d be up to it.” 

Jared doesn’t say anything and when Jensen turns around he notices the sad, but determined look on Jared’s too pale face. He still stands in the middle of the room as if he doesn’t know what to do. 

“Jared?” Jensen asks, his voice trembling. 

“Jensen, I can’t,” he says softly. 

“Well, we don’t have to have dinner with them. I’m sure they’ll understand.” 

Jared swallows and Jensen watches his Adam’s apple bop, anything that keeps his mind of the look Jared’s giving him. “That’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?” Jensen’s heart is about to be shattered and he knows it. 

“I’m sorry, Jen. I really am, but I don’t think this,” Jared motions back and forth between them, “is a good idea anymore.”

“No,” Jensen shakes his head in denial, “no, you don’t mean that. We can still fix this.”

Jared shakes his head with a heartbroken expression. “No, I don’t think I can. I can’t be with you anymore Jensen. I’m sorry.” He sits down on the couch. “I don’t know how I can make you understand when I’m not sure I understand it myself. The thing is,” he takes a deep breath, “I’m not who I used to be and I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“You’re Jared,” Jensen interjects desperately. “My Jared.”

“See, Jen. That’s the problem. The Jared you knew died in that crash. And I’m not sure I know how to be someone who deserves to be with you. I’m so messed up right now and I need time to figure out how to live my life from now on. Who I want to be and how to be that person.”

“We can figure this out together. I can help.” He’s begging and he knows it.

“No, you can’t.” Jared rests his head in his hands. “This, I have to do on my own.” He looks back up with tears in his eyes. “Don’t think I don’t love you anymore, because I do. I love you so much, but I’m not gonna let you sit by my side to wait for something that might never happen. Right now, I’m not sure I’m ever gonna be okay again and I’m not pulling you down with me. See, you’re this amazing person, kind, loving, passionate. I refuse to be the person who destroys that.”

“Jay, if you need time, I can give you time. I’ll wait. Forever, if I have to.” Jensen’s crying too now. 

“See, as much as I would want that, I won’t ask you to do that. I want you to go out there and kick ass and if you find someone, you can be happy with while doing that, that’s okay. I want you to be happy.” He stands up again. “I just came to say goodbye. I’m staying with my parents for a few days, until I figure out where to go next. Jeff and Megan offered to pick up my stuff later. Is it okay if I take Sadie and Harley with me now?”

Jensen wipes away his tears. “What? Yeah sure. They’re your babies.” He bends down and waves Sadie and Harley over to him. “So, guys I guess this is goodbye. Be good to your daddy. Take care of him.” He buries his face into Sadie’s soft fur. The dogs whine as if they now that they won’t see Jensen again. “I love you, guys.” 

When he stands up again Jared’s only a foot away. The younger man leans forward and brushes his lips against Jensen’s in a last goodbye. “I’m sorry,” he breathes, voice full of tears. 

Jensen’s hands grab Jared’s shirt. “Please don’t go, Jay. There has to be another way.” 

“I wish there was.” Jared pulls his hands away. “Be happy, Jensen.”

Jensen listens to the door close and a car drive away without moving. Twenty minutes ago, he was full of hope that they could make it work. Now, he feels empty and cold. The silence in the too big house echoes in his head. He walks over to the couch and it’s only then that he see the small platinum band lying on the coffee table. Tears start to stream down his face again. Jared had really left him. He even left the engagement ring behind. Jensen wants to scream, but no sound leaves him. 

In the kitchen, he finds what he’s looking for in the last cabinet behind the cereal. He grabs the bottle of scotch and takes a gulp directly from the bottle. It numbs the pain at least for a second, so he takes another drink until he feels pleasantly numb. 

*~*

A hard grip on his biceps jerks Jensen awake. He’s lying on the kitchen floor, the empty bottle of scotch next to him. His head’s pounding and he feels like puking. 

“Dammit, Jenny.” Chris’ voice sounds far away. 

“G’way,” he slurs. 

“Like hell. I’m not leaving you.” Chris yanks him up and his stomach protests by sending bile up his esophagus. He gags. “C’mon, no fucking puking in the kitchen.”

He drags Jensen with him to the bathroom where Jensen loses the contents of his breakfast and lunch. He vomits until his stomach’s empty, followed by a few dry heaves. He feels a cold, wet cloth around his neck. It helps to keep the remaining nausea at bay. 

Chris rubs over his lower back. “What happened, Jen? Jared just called and told me to take care of you. What did he do?”

“It’s over,” Jensen sobs. The ache in his heart is back. Jared’s gone and with him every fucking thing that made life worth living. “He’s gone and he isn’t coming back.”

Chris sighs. “I’m sorry, Jen. I’m so sorry.” He pulls Jensen back against his chest and strong arms surround him while he cries for all that he’s lost. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**Part Two, Jared’s POV**

It’s early morning when Jared jogs, or more exactly walks swiftly, through the neighborhood. Jogging with his prostheses isn’t really possible. He’s just glad that a fast walk is. His doc told him about the running prostheses, but they cost a lot of money. Money Jared doesn’t have at the moment. Most of the money he earned during Gilmore Girls and Supernatural has been invested in better prostheses, his college education and his house in Austin. 

Sadie and Harley are by his side as always and Jared thinks of all the mornings in Vancouver when they’d chased each other down the street. It feels like another lifetime. It’s been almost six years since the accident, but it feels so much longer. When he thinks about Vancouver, he inevitably thinks about Jensen. Honestly, there isn’t a day he doesn’t think about Jensen. 

It’s been over five years since he last spoke to the man he’s still head-over-heels in love with. His heart still aches for the older man. It’s like there is a Jensen shaped hole in his heart and it can only be filled by Jensen. But Jared knows that it had been his choice to cut all strings and now he has to live with it. It’s over, but it still hurts like hell. 

He remembers driving by the house they had bought in San Antonio three weeks after he had told Jensen he wanted to break up. A ‘For Sale’ sign stood in the yard and in that moment, Jared broke down. It felt final. No going back now. And it hurt so much that Jared had to stop the car and take a few deep breath before he was able to drive again. 

Over the last years he had thought about his decision more than once, asking himself if it had been the right choice. And all he comes up with is that it had been better this way. Jensen had his career to think about and Jared would have only been a burden. And what a career Jensen had after Jared left. 

Jensen is a movie director now. He always wanted work behind the camera and after Jared left, he became Hollywood’s new star director. Jared’s seen all his movies and he loves them, if only for the reason that Jensen directed them. He’s pretty sure that his former lover will also win the Academy Award this year. His movie ‘The Photographer’ is nominated for ‘Directing’ and ‘Best Picture’. Jared’s so proud, and it hurts that he isn’t there to tell Jensen that. 

He comes to a stop at his front door and lets the dogs inside. Mel, who’s living next door with her husband and two active kids, just picks up her newspaper from the porch stairs and waves. He waves back. Jared likes her, she’s about his age and sometimes they chat, about her kids or his dogs. Just trivial things but it feels good to talk to somebody who doesn’t know what happened. Once she asked him about acting, but she seemed to notice how uncomfortable it made him and she never asked again. 

The dogs are already in the kitchen waiting for Jared to fill their bowls with water and dog food. He does and while he watches his babies slobber their water all over the floor, he grabs some OJ out of the fridge and drinks right from the box. He’s just glad his mom can’t see him right now. 

The clock on the wall shows Jared that it’s half past six. He still has an hour and a half before he has to be at work. It means he still has some time to work out. He leaves his babies in the kitchen, walks into his converted guestroom and starts to lift some weights. 

Half an hour and some burning muscles later, he takes off his prostheses and drags himself into the shower. The hot water soothes his burning muscles. It feels good, like soft fingers massaging him. He thinks about Jensen’s fingers on his skin and the ache in his chest almost suffocates him. Tears burn behind his eyes, but Jared refuses to let them fall. It would do nothing good, just like all the other times he cried in the last years never did anything to help ease the pain. 

After he dried himself, he puts his prostheses back on and pops a few painkillers in his mouth. Phantom pain is a constant companion these days. Jared chooses, more often than not, to try to ignore it, but after his workout, he always needs one or two pills. 

It’s seven-forty-five when he says goodbye to his babies, who lay sleepily in front of the couch in the living room. They’re slowly getting old and Jared’s sure that they will be asleep almost until he gets home in the afternoon. He drives the ten minutes to school and enters the teacher’s lounge five minutes before the first class starts. His first lesson of the day will be AP English at nine with a class of juniors. Christmas holidays are only over for about a week and some of the kids still ride high on sugar. He’ll use the next hour to go over his preparations for the lesson. 

Kelly, their calculus teacher, is already nursing a cup of steaming coffee and smiles at Jared over the rim. He smiles back and drops down into a chair across from her. 

“Bad night?” She asks. 

All the teachers know that he lost his legs in an accident a few years ago, but most of them try to avoid the topic. Kelly is one of the few who asks him straight forward if he’s feeling like shit if she thinks he’s having a bad day, instead of keeping her distance. 

Jared shakes his head. “Naw, not more that other nights. I went walking this morning. Guess I overdid a little.”

She nods and her dark hair falls into her eyes. She would have been totally Jared’s type, petite, beautiful and long, dark hair, if his heart wouldn’t already be occupied by freckles and deep green-eyes. Kelly hands him the coffee pot and he fills his cup with the dark liquid, cream and sugar. 

Jared spends the next minutes preparing his notes for his class. He’s deep in thought when his cell vibrates in his pocket. Pulling it out, he looks at the display and sees Megan’s name. He sighs. His little sister always worries about him and calls at least once a day. He flips his phone open. 

“Meg? I’ve got class in a couple of minutes.” Silence greets him. “Meggie?”

The first thing he hears is his sister’s sobbing. Suddenly, he’s wide awake and his heartbeat speeds up. “Megan, what happened?”

“JT… it’s mom and dad.” Jared feels the lump in his throat grow. “There’s been an accident. JT, you have to come.”

His parents have been in an accident and Jared wants to panic, but his little sister is still on the phone sobbing and crying and she needs him. He breathes once, twice and then asks, “Meg? Meggie? You have to calm down. Tell me what happened.”

“I don’t know. The hospital just called. They’re in surgery. Please JT, you have to come.”

“I’m on my way, Meg. Did you call Jeff?”

Another sob and it breaks his heart that his sister has to go through this alone. “No, I called you first.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in a couple of hours. Call Jeff, tell him what happened. Is Michael with you?”

“He’s in a meeting at work. Something important with new customers.”

“Alright, Meg. Just stay where you are. I’m coming.” She sniffs. “And Meggie? It’ll be alright.”

“Yeah.” She sighs and disconnects the call. 

The next hours pass in a blur. He tells Kelly and principle McGready that his parents have been in an accident and that he needs a few days off. And when Mc Gready tells him that he can’t have a few days off because he’s new and he’s also needed, Jared quits. It doesn’t matter, he’ll find another job. All that matters is getting to his family as soon as possible. 

Jared doesn’t know how he gets to San Antonio, he’s just glad that he didn’t have an accident, too. He takes Sadie and Harley to his parent’s house and tries to ignore the dead silence in his childhood home. However, it settles deep in his stomach and Jared feels numb. He drives to the hospital, parks the car and finds Megan in the waiting room of ICU. Michael is with her. When she sees him, Megan rushes into his arms, almost knocking him over in the process. He wraps his long arms around his baby sister, whispering soothing words into her ear while she cries into his shoulder.

Time passes and Jared doesn’t know if it’s been minutes or hours, but finally Megan calms down a little and he’s able to maneuver her to one of the chairs and settle next to her. She’s still clinging to him, though. 

“They told you anything?” He asks. 

It’s Michael who answers. “Not much, just that they’re both still in surgery. Police have been here half an hour ago or so. They think your dad lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.”

Jared nods. This all feels so surreal to him, like he’s watching from a distance. He asks himself if it had been like this for his parents after his accident. If it had felt like it wasn’t real. He has the feeling that if he could just open his eyes, he would wake up and be in his house in Austin and everything would still be okay. 

Waiting is excruciating. It feels like time stopped. Every time the door to the waiting room opens, Jared looks up, expecting a doctor to tell them how bad it is. Maybe it isn’t so bad, he tells himself. Maybe just some broken bones, cuts and bruises, but nothing life threatening. ‘Right’ that little voice in his heads says ‘like you could just crash into a tree and walk away unharmed’.

Hours pass before an older doctor walks into the waiting room. “Who’s here for Mr. and Mrs. Padalecki?” He asks and Jared’s head snaps up. 

“We are.” He says and the man walks towards them. Jared feels his sisters fingernails dig into his palm, but he doesn’t care. 

There is something in the eyes of the doctor that scares Jared to death; they’re cold, detached as if he already thinking about his next patient. 

The doctor extends his hand, “Dr. Torres.” Jared shakes it. “Jared Padalecki. This is my sister Megan and her husband Michael.” The doctor nods. 

“Mr. Padalecki. I’m very sorry,” Jared knows what comes next and he’s nowhere near ready to hear it, “but the injuries your parents suffered were too severe. There was nothing we could do.”

Megan is crying again. Michael has his arms around her, but he looks like he’s about to cry too. Jared has to be the strong one here. He has to keep it together. He looks at the doctor and nods. 

“Can we… is there… we…?” He doesn’t know how to ask for a last visit, but Dr. Torres seems to understand him. 

“Sure, I’ll show you.” 

They follow Dr. Torres down the hall. This still feels like a nightmare to Jared. He just wants to wake up. God, he wishes Jensen would be here. He knows that he could just let go if the older man would be here. Dr. Torres waves them into a room where two stretchers stand. Before he leaves he tells Jared that there are some forms to fill out at the nurse’s desk and asks him to come by later. Jared nods, but doesn’t really understand what Dr. Torres is saying. 

Michael had pulled Megan into his lap and holds her close while she cries for everything she’d lost. Jared wants to do something, wants to say goodbye, wants to tell his parents how much he loves them and how much he’ll miss them, but he doesn’t. He just stands there, watching the covered bodies on the stretchers and feels nothing. 

*~*

Constant ringing and barking jerks Jared from a disturbing sleep, filled with nightmares of cars crashing into trees. At first he’s a little disoriented when he wakes, the couch in his parent’s living room feels nothing like his bed back in Austin. Slowly the realization of what happened today and why he’s at his parent’s house in San Antonio hits him. Everything comes rushing back and it takes all the strength Jared has left not to vomit on the beige carpet. 

He remembers Megan’s call and rushing to the hospital, quitting his job in the meantime. He remembers Dr. Torres and the helplessness he felt when the doctor told him that both his parents had died. He remembers watching Megan fall apart with a scary distance, without realizing what all this means. He remembers Jeff and Laura coming to the hospital some time after the heart shattering news. He remembers filling out forms and finally going home. Jeff and Laura are staying with Megan and Michael, and he remembers feeling grateful for the silence and privacy. What he doesn’t remember is falling asleep on his parent’s couch, but he must have been asleep for at least an hour or two, because it’s dark outside. 

The ringing has stopped, but Sadie and Harley are still crowded in front of the front door, barking and scratching at the door. Jared pulls himself up, when he hears a key turning in the lock and for a second he thinks that his parents are coming home and it really was a nightmare. But when the door opens, it’s someone he hasn’t really expected to see, but wished that he was here nonetheless. 

Jensen is almost tackled by Sadie and Harley and he crouches in front of them, stroking and petting them. Warmth spreads in Jared, he hasn’t experienced in a long time. The picture of Jensen greeting his dogs will forever be burned into his memory. 

“I missed you too, guys.”

That’s what does it for Jared and he lets out a sob. Jensen looks up and scrambles to his feet. He smiles sadly at Jared. Jensen looks gorgeous; his eyes still a deep shade of green, his hair short and with a few strands of grey, his fit body hidden under ripped jeans and a sweater. Freckles stand out on his pale skin and he looks so much like the Jensen Jared left behind that Jared’s fingertips ache to touch. 

“Jay,” he breathes and then Jared finds himself in a bear-hug from his former lover. Jensen presses Jared against his body and Jared lets go. In the safety of Jensen arms, Jared cries and screams for the loss of his parents, and maybe even more. He clings to Jensen like a drowning man and Jensen lets him. 

Jared doesn’t know how long they stand in the hallway of his childhood home, before Jensen manhandles him to the couch and into Jensen lap. He lets Jared cry, his face buried in Jensen’s neck and rubs soothing circles over Jared’s back. 

The younger man still can’t believe that the man he dreamt about every night for the last five years is really here and if he clings a little harder to Jensen to feel close to him for a little while longer, the other man doesn’t seem to notice. He just tightens his hold on Jared. 

Sometime during the evening, they shift around until Jared’s head is placed in Jensen’s lap and the older man runs his fingers through Jared’s mop of hair. It feels good, feels right and Jared cries even harder, because he knows that he won’t have that ever again. Jensen will leave again and for the first time since he left Jensen in their house three blocks down the road he can admit to himself that it was the worst mistake he ever made. 

Jensen’s just pulls him back against his chest and whispers sweet nothings into Jared’s ear until Jared calms down again. They lay there for hours in silence, none of them saying a word, before Jensen breaks the silence. 

“You should try to get some sleep.” He says in a low and soothing voice, but it still startles Jared. “Shh,” Jensen soothes. 

Jared lets the other man pull him of the couch and follows him into his old room. How many times have they spent the night together in his bed, while visiting Jared’s parents? Jared swallows the lump in his throat; he feels hollow and drained and doesn’t want to cry anymore. 

He feels like a child when Jensen starts to undress him, and a small voice in his head says that he could do it alone. But he likes Jensen’s hands on his body and if that’s the last time he’ll feel them, he’s going to relish the feeling. He blushes when Jensen opens his belt, but Jensen just smiles and pulls down Jared’s jeans. 

It’s embarrassing how Jared wants to cover himself up when Jensen takes in his prostheses. It’s nothing the older man hasn’t seen. Jared doesn’t know how many times Jensen help Jared out of these things in the beginning, but he still feels uncomfortable when Jensen sees him like this. He chews on his bottom lip and looks everywhere but at Jensen. 

Jensen seems to notice his discomfort and says, “Hey, it’s okay. Nothing I haven’t seen.” Jared nods, but doesn’t meet his eyes. 

Together they pull the hated things off and Jensen helps Jared to settle in his old bed. “You need some pain killers?” Jensen asks and Jared shakes his head, the numbness in his body seems to drown out the phantom pain. 

When Jensen starts to leave, Jared grabs his hand, feeling the smooth skin under his fingertips. “Jen, could you… maybe…,” he stutters, looking for the right words. “Can you stay? Just ‘til I’m asleep.”

Jensen hesitates, but then he nods. “Sure. Scoot over.” He settles next to Jared and the younger man uses the opportunity to snuggle close to his ex. Jensen doesn’t seem to mind, because he pulls him even closer and starts stroking Jared’s back again. 

The last words Jared hears before he drifts of the sleep are, “Sleep, Jay. I’m here now” and they make his heart flutter. 

*~*

Bright sunshine wakes Jared the next morning and he turns around with a smile on his face, until everything that happened yesterday comes back to him in a rush. The pain of losing his parents and the hole in his heart force him to take a few deep breath, before he’s able to open his eyes without bursting into tears. He asks himself if it will always be like this, that in the first second of waking he’ll think that everything is still okay. He remembers it took him quite some time to wake up and not expect his legs to be there. So he guesses, it will be a long time before he wakes up and not expects his parents to be alive. 

He thinks about Jensen. The other man isn’t laying next to him and Jared convinces himself that he had dreamt Jensen’s arrival after all. It’s the only reasonable explanation for Jensen being here. Because why would Jensen come here after Jared left him. It hurts to admit that he made the worst mistake of his life by leaving Jensen. 

Jared stays in bed for a little while longer, but then he hears Sadie barking and drags himself out of bed, pulling on his prostheses and sweatpants he brought with him. He slowly walks down the stairs and rubs Harley behind his ears when he finds him lounging at the bottom of the stairs. 

The smell of coffee and bacon greets him, when he walks into the kitchen. Jared has to rub his eyes to understand what’s happening. Apparently, Jensen wasn’t a dream, because the other man is currently standing at the kitchen counter, telling Sadie that she won’t get any bacon.

“I don’t care how cute you look at me, you won’t get any. It’s for your daddy, sweetie.” Sadie whines, but then she notices Jared and jogs over to him to get her morning back rub. Jensen turns around and sends Jared a small smile when he sees him. “Hey, you sleep well?”

Jared nods, stills stunned. “What are you doing here, Jen?” When Jensen raises his eyebrows, he rushes to add, “I mean, how did you know?”

“Megan called, told me you needed me. I got on the next plane.” Jensen looks down on his hands, avoiding Jared’s gaze. 

Jared’s heart swells at Jensen’s statement. Jensen came here for him, to support him and the thought makes Jared fall in love with Jensen all over again. Even though Jared broke Jensen’s heart back then – Jared still remembers Jensen’s crushed look and the tears in his eyes – he came all the way from LA.

“Thank you,” he whispers. 

Jensen blushes and it’s the most adorable thing Jared has ever seen. He remembers it from back when they were still together, and right now, it sends shivers down his spine. “You’re welcome. Now, come and sit, breakfast is ready. We have coffee, bacon, pancakes, scrambled eggs and if that’s not enough I found a box of Cheerios in one of the cupboards.”

It reminds Jared that Jensen’s is not at home here and brings back the reason why Jensen is here in the first place. His face falls and Jensen’s right there to pull him into a hug. Since when does Jensen hug so much? He leans into Jensen’s body, basking in the body heat. 

“I’m sorry, Jay. I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I don’t know how to make it better, but I’m here if you need me. I’m not going anywhere.”

Jared nods, not trusting himself to speak and wipes his eyes. He’s such a wuss. Crying won’t change anything. ‘Get a grip’, Jared thinks to himself. Finally, he sits down and starts to pick at his food, he isn’t hungry at all. For Jensen’s sake, he tries his pancakes, though. They’re delicious, just like back in Vancouver when Jensen used to make them on lazy Sunday mornings, not that that happened often. Maybe he could just eat a little bit. He stomachs two pancakes, before he feels like vomiting, but Jensen doesn’t say a word when he pushes his plate away. 

“Megan called while you were sleeping,” Jensen says quietly, not looking at Jared. “She’ll be here later to discuss the next steps.”

Jared sighs. He really doesn’t want to talk about burying his parents. Talking about it would make it so much more real. It’s hard enough to wrap his head around what happened without talking about funeral arrangements. He knows they have to be made, but he wants to push it as far away as possible. Leaning back in his chair he thinks about something else to say and all he comes up with is, “I quit my job.” 

Jensen head jerks up. “What? Why?”

Honestly, he doesn’t want to talk about that, either, but he started it. “They didn’t want to give me some time off,” he shrugs, “and besides, I wouldn’t want to go back after what happened. I want to stay in San Antonio, close to Megan. She needs me.”

“Jay, I…”

“It’s not a big deal,” Jared tells him. “I’ll just go take a shower. To be ready when Meg gets here.” He stands up, but before he can leave, Jensen stops him. Jensen’s hand grabs his wrist and he rubs gently over Jared’s pulse point. 

“I’m here to help, y’know. Just tell me what I can do.” He sounds desperate in his need to help. 

Jared looks down to where Jensen’s fingers rub over his thin skin sending warm and pleasant shivers through his body. When he looks up into Jensen’s deep green eyes, they’re full of emotion and if he’s not mistaken, one of them is love. There was a time when Jensen used to look at him like this every day and Jared’s heart aches for his lost love. Tears burn behind his eyes that have nothing to do with his parent’s death. He wants Jensen to stay. He’s just not sure if he’ll survive Jensen leaving after everything is dealt with. 

“Thank you.” His voice is hoarse. “Really. It helps that you are here.”

“I’ll stay for as long as you want me to.” It sounds like Jensen is promising so much more then only the week or two until everything is dealt with. 

‘Forever’, Jared thinks. ‘Forever would be great.’ But instead of telling Jensen exactly that, he just nods. The fingers around his wrist loosen and all of a sudden, Jared feels cold. He doesn’t want Jensen to stop touching him and he hurries out of the kitchen before he does something stupid like kiss Jensen. 

The water in the shower is hot. It burns his skin and the slight pain tells him he’s still alive. This time he’s not able to hold back the tears. He thinks about all the plans his parents had. They planned a long journey to Europe for their thirty-five year anniversary. His father wanted to get his pilot’s license and his mother was enjoying her belly dance lessons so much. 

They have to call all these people and tell them what happened. Tell them that two amazing people are gone. Jared’s heart aches so much he doubles over from the pain. He sits on the chair that enables him to shower and rocks back and forth. Looking for comfort and finding nothing, but emptiness, hurt and sorrow. 

The water is cold by the time Jared climbs out of the shower. It takes him longer to dry himself and get dressed, because he’s trembling so much. He feels cold deep in his bones and even the warm clothes he puts on don’t do anything to change that. When he’s about as ready to go back down as he gets, he takes a deep breath and opens the bathroom door. 

*~*

Jared’s family arrives shortly after he comes back down from his shower and they sit in the living room drinking coffee Jensen made in the meantime. There is so much to discuss that Jared doesn’t even know where to start. He’s just glad that Jensen’s here, right next to him. Jensen’s body heat seeps into Jared’s every bone and warms him. 

It’s hard talking about burying his parents. It hurts and he feels more like crying than anything else, but every time Jared tenses or shifts uncomfortably, Jensen brushes their arms together or strokes over the back of Jared’s hand. It feels good and Jared finds the strength he needs to get through the decision-making, in these little touches. 

Michael and Jeff have already made an appointment with a mortician for later that day and have informed their parent church’s pastor. The older man was crushed by the news. He had known Jared’s parents almost their whole life. To hear what happened broke his heart. He directly offered to do the sermon for their parent’s funeral. He also offered help if needed. 

It still feels surreal to Jared that they are talking about the funeral for their parents. He still expects his parents to burst through the door, and he’d wake up to find that it was only a nightmare. Jensen seems to sense Jared’s surging trepidation. He takes Jared’s hand, entwines their fingers and squeezing. Jared looks stunned down at their entwined hands. Jensen seems to think he crossed a line, because he tries to pull back. But Jared doesn’t let him. He holds on to Jensen’s hand, and when he looks up again, he sees Jensen’s smiling reassuringly at him. It feels like a promise to Jared, a promise of better times. And the only thing he can do is to smile back. 

The others seem oblivious to what just happened between Jared and Jensen, and Jared is glad. He feels guilty for bonding with his ex-boyfriend when they’re about to bury his parents. However, he thinks, his parents would have wanted that. They never said anything, not wanting to interfere with Jared’s chosen life, but Jared knows without a doubt that his reconnection with Jensen would have made them happy. And for a short moment Jared hopes that wherever they are right now, they can see him and Jensen. 

When it’s time to leave for the appointment with the mortician, Jensen releases Jared’s hand and gets up from the couch. The cold settles back into Jared’s bones and Jared wishes Jensen would still be touching him. 

“Hey,” Jensen tugs at Jared’s wrist and pulls him of the couch too, “I can stay here, if you want.”

“What?” Jared asks and then shakes his head. “No. I’d like for you to come with us, with me.”

Jensen nods. “Yeah, okay.” He pushes Jared outside, his hand settling warm and reassuring on Jared’s lower back. And Jared kind of wants to kiss him again. 

The appointment with the undertaker takes longer than Jared thought it would. There are so many things to think of and to decide and he leaves most of it to his brother and sister. They decided which flowers they want – white lilies –, what caskets they want – dark mahogany ones –, where they want to have the funeral feast – at their parents house. They talk about the date and the undertaker promises them to arrange everything needed with their church. They decide on the following Friday at their parents church. That leaves them with three days to make all calls and arrangements. 

When they get home, Megan reminds them that they still have to call family and friends to let them know when the funeral will take place and where. Jared had promised to do it earlier, but he’s exhausted and the only thing he wants to do is sit on the couch and curl up next Jensen. Watch old movies and just forget what happened for a few hours. Jensen reassures Megan, though, that they will take care of it and that he will also deal with the caterer for the funeral feast. He tells her she should just call, if she needs anything else. He’s here to help.

Everybody is very grateful for Jensen’s help and Jared is happy to hand over the reins to his ex. He doesn’t have to be strong for once. He can just turn to Jensen for help and it feels good to have the other man right here next to him. 

When the rest of his family leaves, Megan pulls Jensen into a hug and thanks him for being here. Jared thinks that it has more to do with taking care of him than anything else. And he makes a mental note to thank his sister for calling Jensen when she did. The door closes and Jensen pushes him down onto the couch. “You want some coffee?” He asks. 

Jared looks up into green eyes and shakes his head. “A beer would be better.” 

Jensen chuckles. “A beer then.”

He leaves Jared in the living room to go get the beers and the younger man turns to his dogs. They sense that something isn’t right and Sadie lays her head on Jared’s knee to show, while Harley slobbers over the hand Jared holds out to him. He sighs, closes his eyes and savors the support of his two dogs. 

The couch dips and he opens his eyes to see Jensen look at him with a private smile on his lips. The other man holds out a beer bottle to Jared, while he got himself a bottle of water. When he takes it, their fingertips brush and this little touch still sends shivers down his spine. Jensen always had this effect on him. It feels amazing and Jared wishes he could turn back time. He would choose a different way. If he could just have a second chance, he wouldn’t let Jensen get away ever again. 

“I can call your family and friends.” The older man breaks the silence. “You don’t have to do it, if you don’t want to. You just give me the numbers and I’ll deal with it.” 

Jared shakes his head. He’s more than grateful for what Jensen’s offering, but he knows that there are some things he has to do on his own. “No thanks. Maybe you could just call our friends to let them know.”

“Okay.” Jensen nods and pushes a strand of Jared’s hair back behind his ear. “I can do that.”

‘I love you’, Jared thinks. ‘I never stopped.’ He doesn’t say it out loud, but he grabs Jensen’s hand and squeezes. “Thank you,” is what he says aloud. 

Jensen nods. “Sure thing.” He stands up. “I’ll just give you some time for your calls. I’m in the guest room if you need me.”

He’s almost out of the room when Jared calls, “Jensen,” without really knowing what to say. The older man turns back and looks at Jared expectantly. “It’s just… I’m glad you’re here.”

A bright smile lights up Jensen’s face. “Just like I said, I’ll stay for as long as you want me to.” Once again, it sounds like Jensen’s promising Jared a future together and Jared wants that more than anything. 

He nods and smiles back. “Okay.”

*~*

It’s hours later when Jared’s stomach starts to growl. He looks up from the phone, all his calls finally finished. It’s getting dark and he remembers that Sadie and Harley hadn’t had a real walk today. He gets up from the couch, the dogs following him down the hall. He stops at the guest room Jensen is occupying. He’s about to knock when he hears Jensen’s voice.

“I have it under control, Chris... What? You want me to let him deal with this on his own?...” Jensen snorts. “He’s still my friend.” Another pause, and when Jensen speaks again his voice is soft. “So what, Chris? What if I still have feelings for him? I won’t jump him when he’s about to bury his parents. I’m just here as a friend.”

Jared’s heard enough. That’s just about all he needs to know. Jensen has still feelings for him and it fills his heart in a way he hasn’t felt for years. He knocks and Jensen’s voice stops. The door is pulled open to reveal a Jensen in a white tee, washout jeans and bare food. And Jared’s voice gets stuck in his throat. Well, maybe Jensen won’t jump him, but Jared is really contemplating to jump him. Jensen smiles.

“I’ll call you later, Chris.” Jared doesn’t hear what Chris answers, but Jensen closes with, “See you, jackass.” He flips the cell phone closed and shrugs. “Just Chris being Chris.” He explains. “He’ll be here, though, on Friday, as will Steve.”

It’s a little surprising for Jared that Jensen’s closest friends will come out to the funeral of his parents and it seems to show on his face. 

“Hey, they would never run out on you. They’re still your friends.”

Jared raises his eyebrows in question. “I haven’t talked to them since the day I left.” 

Jensen’s face falls, but he covers it with a shrug. “Well, they wouldn’t let you down in a time when you need all the support you can get.” He meets Jared’s eyes. “But if you don’t want them there…”

“No.” Jared shakes his head. “No, I really appreciate it. I’m just a little surprised.”

“Well, I guess you’ll be more surprised on Friday.” Jared frowns at Jensen’s statement. “Chad and Kenzie are coming, as are Sandy and what’s-his-name.”

Jared laughs a little. “Roger, it’s not that difficult of a name.”

“Yeah,” Jensen shudders. “I met him once. Don’t really like him. She’s such a sweet girl, deserves better.”

That’s exactly what Jared thought when Sandy and Roger visited him some time last year. But he won’t intervene with Sandy’s relationship and she seemed happy, that’s all that counts. However, if Roger ever breaks her heart he’ll kill him, and now he’s sure that Jensen will help him hide the body.

“Mike, Tom and Jamie promised to come. They miss you. Jim and Misha will try to come down, they’re not sure they’ll make it, though.” Jensen continues. “And Eric sends his condolences, he won’t be able to come, but he said I should tell you that if you need anything you could always call.”

“Wow, you really called them all.” Jared’s stunned.

“You said I should call our friends.”

Yeah, well, he just hadn’t thought that they would all come down to support him and stand by his side. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve such friends and it makes tears burn behind his eyes. He hasn’t spoken to any of them, except Sandy and Chad, since the day he left Jensen behind and he wouldn’t have thought that they would still be there for him when he needed them. 

Jensen raises his hand and wipes away Jared’s tears. “Don’t cry, Jay. They all still love you.”

“They should hate me.” It’s clear in Jared’s head, after what he did, they should hate him. “After what I did, they should hate me.”

“Don’t, Jared.” Jensen pulls him into his arms. “No one hates you. Just because you had a hard time, they didn’t start to hate you.”

He takes advantage of Jensen’s hug and buries his head in to the crook of Jensen’s neck, taking in the other man’s scent. They stand like this for some time, until Sadie and Harley are trying to push between them and Jared remembers why he came to Jensen’s room in the first place. He pulls back, even if he does it a little reluctant. 

“I came here to ask you if you want to accompany me and the dogs on a walk. They haven’t had one today and they’re getting restless, just like me.” 

Jensen grins. “Sure.” He looks down to where Jared has wetted his shirt. “Let me just put on a different shirt.” 

Jared blushes and nods. “I’ll go splash some water in my face and wait at the front door.”

“Yeah, okay.”

*~*

They return home over an hour later, with exhausted dogs and Chinese take-out. The dogs drop in front of the fireplace and Jensen and Jared sit down next to each other on the couch with only a little distance between them. They eat in silence, but it’s comfortable nevertheless. When they’ve finished their dinner they lie back against the back of the couch and Jared rubs his full belly. 

“I don’t think I’ve eaten so much in years.”

Jensen raises a disbelieving eyebrow. “You used to eat much more than this. I can’t really believe that you’re already full.”

Jared looks down at his hands lying in his lap. “Well, you can’t eat like that anymore when you don’t work-out as much.”

Jensen nods, but doesn’t say anything. He looks around, avoiding Jared’s gaze and it starts to feel uncomfortable. Jared follows Jensen eyes and tries to see what Jensen sees. Pictures of him and his family, his parent’s wedding picture, looking at it stings, books his parents collected over the years and little souvenirs from their journeys all over the world. 

“I don’t know what to do with all this. I’m sure Megan and Jeff will want some things, but I don’t know what to do with the rest.” Jared pauses to take a deep breath. “I don’t want to sell the house. It’s my childhood home.”

Jensen looks at him. “What about your house in Austin?” It surprises Jared that Jensen knows where he lives know and it seems to show. “I talked to your mom and Megan sometimes,” he explains. 

“Oh,” Jared says for the loss of words. “Well, I already quit my job in Austin and like I said before I don’t want to go back. I can find a teaching job here. I’ll just have to get my things and put the house up for sale.”

“Why did you move to Austin in the first place? I thought you wanted to be home.” Jensen asks curiously. 

“Y’know,” Jared shrugs, “I had to get away to find myself again. I just couldn’t do it here, but Austin was still close enough to go home every time I wanted to.”

It follows a long silence, until Jensen breaks it. “Did you find yourself again?” He voice is soft, almost a whisper, and it sounds as if Jensen’s not sure if he wants to hear the answer. He looks down to where his fingers play with sleeve of his sweater. 

If you would have asked Jared this question a few weeks back he would have said yes, but now he isn’t so sure anymore. 

“It depends,” he says thinking about it. “I found a different part of me, but I also recently realized that a huge part of me is still missing.”

At that, Jensen looks back up, but doesn’t say anything. He just nods. Jared wants to kiss him and tell him that it’s him who’s missing in Jared’s life, but he doesn’t, thinking it’s just not the right time. An awkward silence settles between them and Jared isn’t sure how to break it. Jensen seems to notice it to and he’s the one to speak first. 

“If you need help to move your things back to San Antonio, I’m happy to help,” he offers. 

“Yeah, that’d be great,” Jared answers. “But don’t you have anything else to do? A new movie, or so?”

Jensen shakes his head. “Naw. I took some time off after the last one. Maybe I have to fly back for a few days for a meeting with my production company, but I’ll come back.” He takes a deep breath, before continuing, “If you want me to.”

“Yeah,” Jared nods, “I’d like that.” A meaningful silence settles between them, while they look into each other eyes. Jared searches desperately for something to say. “Hey, you wanna watch a movie?” 

The moment is gone. Jensen nods. “Yeah, why not?”

Jared pulls out ‘Die Hard’ and they settle on the couch again, arms and thighs brushing. Sometime during the movie they shift, Jared with his back against the couch and Jensen in front of him with his back to Jared’s chest. Jared lays his hand on Jensen’s hips, but the other man takes it and brings it to his chest, pressing it to where his heart is. Jensen’s heartbeat is strong and steady and Jared forgets to watch the movie. He just lays back and concentrates on Jensen’s heartbeat. That’s how he falls asleep, his body pressed to Jensen’s and his hand lying over Jensen’s heart. It’s how it should be. 

*~*

“Jay.” A hand on his shoulder shakes him awake. His eyelids feel like glued together and it takes some time until he’s able to open his eyes. Jensen is hovering over him with a concerned look on his face. “Here,” he holds out his hands, “take these.” Jared looks down and sees two of his pills lying in Jensen’s palm. 

He wants to shake his head telling Jensen he doesn’t need them, when he feels the burn and pinning needles in parts of his body that are long gone. Taking the pills, he nods to Jensen, “Thanks.” He swallows and takes the glass of water Jensen hands him, to help flush them down. 

“C’mon, Jay. We need to get you to bed and get rid of these things.” Jensen helps him up and Jared lets him lead the way to Jared’s childhood room. Just like the night before, Jared lets Jensen help to undress him and pull off the prostheses. 

When Jared lies back, he sees Jensen watching him with a sad look and it hurts deep in his heart. He had been the one to end their relationship and back then, it felt like the right thing to do. He had meant everything he had said that afternoon. He didn’t want to be the one to destroy Jensen and burden him, keep him from having the life he deserved. Jared always thought that if he would let Jensen go, Jensen would find happiness somewhere else. Even though it hurt like hell to know that Jared wasn’t the one to make Jensen happy anymore. It still felt like the right thing to do, because the only thing that mattered was that Jensen would be happy. 

But right now, Jared realizes that Jensen isn’t happy. At first he thought it had something to do with his parent’s death, but the more Jared looks at Jensen, the more he realizes that Jensen’s unhappiness has nothing to do with Sherry’s and Gerry’s death. He just isn’t happy with his life and it breaks Jared’s heart to see that even though he let Jensen go, the older man still didn’t find the happiness he deserves. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

Jensen sits down on the edge of the bed. “What for?” He asks confused.

“Hurtin’ you. Pushin’ you away.” He rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands. “I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted you to be happy.”

“Jared,” Jensen sighs. “It’s okay. I know.”

“No,” he shakes his head. “Please, I wanna apologize for what I did.” He takes a deep breath. He’s never really talked about this with anybody except his therapist. “After the accident, I felt lost. I thought I’d lost everything. My legs, my job, my will to live. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t do anything alone. I needed help for everything and it was embarrassing for me. I was convinced that sooner, rather than later, you would see what a failure and loser I was. That’s why I pushed you away, kept you at arm’s length. I thought that if I pushed you away it wouldn’t hurt as much when you’d leave eventually.” Jensen wants to say something, but Jared’s shakes his head to stop him. “Just let me get this out, okay?” Jensen nods. “The longer you stayed the more I thought you stayed because you felt obligated to take care of me. That’s when I came to the conclusion that I had to let you go, so that you could be happy again.”

Jensen looks down at the bedspread tracing the random pattern with his fingertips. “Is that why you tried to kill yourself?” His voice is full of hurt and Jared just knows that Jensen never got over Jared’s attempted suicide. 

“Yes,” he answers softly. “There were a lot of factors coming together, but that was one of them. I just didn’t want to be a burden any longer. I thought it would be better for you and my family if I wouldn’t be there anymore. Jeff really kicked my ass for that. But I still needed three years of therapy to get to the bottom of all this and accept what happened to me.” He leans forward and lifts Jensen’s chin with a finger to force the other man to look at him. “I’m sorry for that, too. I should have told you that a long time ago.”

“Why didn’t you?” 

“Because I was too chicken-shit to call you.” Jared shrugs. “I wasn’t sure if I could handle it, if you would have moved on.” He lies back again. “I’ve just wanted you to know that.”

It feels like hours until Jensen speaks. “I wish you would have told me that before. But I’m glad that you did now. Just so you know, I never would have left you, never. I loved you so much and it hurt like hell when you walked out on me that day.” Jared wants to apologize again, but this time Jensen stops him by holding up his hand. “But I forgave you a long time ago.” He takes a deep breath and stands up. “And now you need to sleep.”

Jared wants to grab Jensen’s hand and pull him back down, but he doesn’t. He just lets Jensen leave, watching him while he walks out of the room. He’ll make it up to Jensen, he promises himself. He will make it right again. 

*~*

Two days later the doorbell rings while Jared’s in the kitchen making sandwiches for a late lunch. The undertaker had been right when he said that the funeral company would take care of everything regarding the funeral itself and yesterday had been the day when Jared really regretted that. It felt a lot like falling without a safety net. Jensen had tried to take Jared’s mind of things, shooing him out of the house for a long walk with the dogs and a dinner at one of Jared’s favorite restaurants. But it didn’t really help and Jared felt restless and itchy, his skin too tight, the whole day. Doing nothing meant definitely too much time to think about things. And his head’s full of things to think about. 

Jensen opens the door and Jared hears quiet voices making conversation. He doesn’t know who arrived right now, but he figures if they want to talk to him they can come to the kitchen. And Jensen seems to think so too because that’s when the older man walks into the kitchen Chad and Kenzie at his heels. 

“Look who’s here.” He says, brushing against Jared when he walks past him to the fridge to get out a bottle of water for each of their guests. 

Chad walks over to Jared and he lets his best friend comfort him with a tight hug. “I’m sorry, man. I’m so sorry.”

His lips pressed into a thin line, Jared nods. “Yeah, thanks.”

Kenzie hugs him next. “I’m really sorry, Jared. If there is anything we can do…”

“No,” Jared shakes his head, “but thanks.” He looks around. “Where is Jamie?” 

“We left him with Kenzie’s family.” Chad explains and Jared nods. Jamie is only five, so it’s understandable that they left him with his grandparents.

Silence fills the room and for few moments they stand there awkwardly until Jensen offers to show Kenzie where she can refresh. The young woman follows Jensen out of the room giving Chad and Jared some privacy. 

“JT, how are you doin’? I mean, really doin’.”

Jared shrugs. “I don’t know. It still feels like a bad dream, y’know. I can’t believe they’re gone.” He bites his bottom lip to keep from crying. “I only talked to my mom on Sunday night. That’s only four days ago and now we’re planning to bury them. It just feels really surreal.” 

Chad pulls him into another hug. “I know, man. When Jensen called, I didn’t want to believe him at first. It felt like a very bad joke.” Chad pulls back enough to look into Jared’s eyes. “How are you feeling with Jensen here? It’s not too much, is it?”

Jared frowns. “What?” Then he shakes his head when he gets what Chad means. “No, dude. I’m really glad he’s here. I wouldn’t have gotten through the last days without him.”

“Jaybird, I know you still love him.” Jared opens his mouth to deny it, but Chad cuts him of, “It’s tattooed on your forehead, so you don’t have to deny it. I just wanna make sure you’ll be okay when he leaves again.”

Jared doesn’t tell him what Jensen had said about staying for as long as Jared wanted him to, he just nods. “I know. Thanks.”

In attempt to change the topic, Chad asks about Jared’s job and he tells him that he quit. Saying Chad is shocked is an understatement. He opens and closes his mouth several times, until he finds the right words. 

“My god, JT. What are you gonna do now?” 

Jared sighs, shrugging his shoulders. “I’m gonna sell the house. Move back here. I can find a teaching job in San Antonio, y’know.”

Then Chad asks the question Jared’s dreading ever since Chad started the topic. “What about money?”

“What about money?” He asks back. 

“JT, I know you’re a little short right now. So I wanna now if you need money? Because, I have enough of that shit and I want you to know that I can help if it’s an issue.

“It’s not an issue, Chad. I’m doing fine and even if I did need money, I wouldn’t take it from you. So, can we change the topic?” Jared asks, getting a little annoyed. He doesn’t want to talk about money or his issues with it. 

Chad holds up his hands. “Okay, sorry. Just let me know when you’re moving and I’ll be there to help.”

“Yeah, okay. Jensen already offered his help, too. So, I guess between us three it’ll be a fast move.” 

Chad nods and claps his shoulder. “Sure.”

They walk into the living room to find Jensen and Kenzie already sitting there talking about her new fashion line. Or more exactly Kenzie is talking and Jensen is pretending to listen intently. Jared almost wants to start laughing. These two never liked each other, but they’re trying to be cordial. Honestly, Jared never understood what Chad saw in Kenzie. But his friend is still head-over-heels in love with the girl and Jared is happy for them. 

He still remembers the wedding six years ago. Jensen and he had still been happy. They had even had naughty wedding sex at the reception. At the memory, Jared grins. And when Jensen raises his eyebrows he blushes. Jensen knows what he’s thinking about because he snorts and tries to cover it up with a cough. 

A ringing phone breaks the tension and Jensen flips his phone open. “Yeah?... Okay… Yeah, we’ll be here… See you, then.” He disconnects the call and looks at Jared. “Chris called. They’re at San Antonio International. They’ll be here shortly. Sandy and Roger are with them.”

Jared nods. Soon the house will be filled with his old friends and right now, he craves the noise. Everything to make the chaos in his head go away. Jensen mutters something about making coffee and Jared follows him into the kitchen. 

“Thank you.” He grabs Jensen’s wrist and turns him around so the older man is facing him. “Thanks for calling them. I really need the company.” When Jensen frowns, he rushes to say, “It’s just the more people, the more they keep me from thinking about tomorrow. I don’t want to think about tomorrow.”

Jensen pulls him into a hug, rubbing soothing circles into his lower back. Jared uses the moment to bury his face into Jensen neck and take in his scent. “It’s okay, Jay. We’re all here to help you get through this. Just remember, no one expects you to be strong, okay?”

When Jared pulls back eventually, he brushes his lips against Jensen’s cheek. It’s only meant as a gesture of gratitude, but when his eyes meet Jensen’s the air around them is charged with tension. Sexual, but also the kind where you know that the next moment will define your life from now on. 

“Hey, you two.” Chad burst into the kitchen phone in hand. “Megan wants to speak to you.” He hands the phone to Jared. “And we have plans to make for tonight.” Jensen looks at Jared seeking help, but Chad just pulls him away. 

“Meggie?” He answers the phone. 

“Hey, JT. Just calling to make sure you’re doing okay.” Her voice is full of tears. 

“I’m fine, Meggie. Don’t worry about me.” He reassures his sister. “I’ve got good friends here who take good care of me. What about you, Meg? How are you doin’?” 

“I miss them. I miss them so much. I was supposed to go to lunch with mom today. I only remembered when the restaurant called to confirm the reservation.”

Jared’s heart breaks. “I’m sorry, Megan. But, listen to me, kiddo. We’ll get through this. It’s gonna be okay.”

“Yeah, okay,” she sobs, but she seems to calm down. “It’s just hard, y’know.”

“I know. Why don’t you come over, huh? Get your head off things, just for a little bit,” Jared offers. 

“Thanks, but I just wanna be alone. But, JT, you have fun. You deserve that.” Megan sighs. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

“Yeah, we’ll come over at ten.” The service is planned for eleven so there is enough time. “And, Meg? Thank you.”

“For what?” His sister asks curious. 

“Calling Jensen. He’s… I’m really glad he’s here.”

“You’re welcome, big brother. Just… you know… don’t screw it up.”

Jared smiles. “I won’t, not again. See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Bye.”

He disconnects the call when Jensen walks back into the room. The older man sends Jared a small smile that warms his heart. 

“The others are here.” Jared nods and wants to walk out of the kitchen to greet his friends, when Jensen grabs his arm. “Just let me know if it’s too much, okay. They’re all staying at a hotel so you don’t have to feel bad when you think it’s enough.”

“Okay, thanks. But I think that’s exactly what I need right now.” 

Jensen lets go of Jared’s arm and nods. “Alright. Let’s do it.”

They walk back into the living room and Jared feels overwhelmed when he sees who’s here. Sandy is the first to see him. She throws herself into his arms, telling him how sorry she is that he has to go through this. He holds her tight and enjoys the comfort it gives him to know that she’s here for him. Mike, Tom and Jamie are next, hugging and comforting him with words and touches. Steve pulls him in hug as well, telling him if he needs anything Jared should just to call. Chris is last. Jared doesn’t know what to expect, but Chris’ just hugs him tight, telling him how sorry he is. 

After the initial hugs and greetings it feels a little awkward, as if no-one knows what to say, but then Jensen hands out the beer and they settle down comfortably. Jared looks at the soda bottle in Jensen’s hand and frowns.

“Hey, you’re not drinking?”

He feels Jensen tense next to him for just one second, but then the other man relaxes again and shakes his head. “No, someone has to stay sober to get your drunken ass up the stairs later.” Jared laughs and doesn’t think about it anymore. 

Mike dives into a story about one of his parties and naked models in his pool. Soon Jared is laughing so hard tears a running down his cheeks. God, he missed his friends. He hadn’t realized how much until today. It feels so much like six years ago that Jared forgets for a second that they aren’t in Vancouver anymore. They share jokes and at one time Steve and Chris get out their guitars and start jamming. Jared hasn’t had so much fun since Vancouver and he refuses to feel guilty for it. 

The whole night Jared feels Chris’ eyes on him. The older man doesn’t seem mad, but he’s watching every move Jared makes, especially his interaction with Jensen, which is constantly because they’re sitting next to each other. 

When time calls for the next rounds of drinks, Jared stands up, pushing Jensen back down with his hand on his thigh. 

“Just let me.” 

He walks into the kitchen and pulls out several bottles of beer, water and soda. Turning around he sees Chris standing in the doorframe. He sighs. 

“Okay, just get it over with. I wanted to have fun tonight.”

Chris takes the beer bottle Jared holds out for him and takes a swig. He looks intently at Jared before he speaks, “I’m not here to tear you a new one, kid. But it didn’t evade my notice that there is still a lot of unfinished business between you and Jenny. I just wanted to say that you have my blessing if you really wanna give this another shot. But if you don’t, you need to back away, Jared. He won’t survive you leaving a second time.”

“Chris?” Jared asks shocked. Something happened to Jensen he doesn’t know and the way Chris is talking it isn’t good. 

“I’m pretty sure that Jensen didn’t tell you jack squat about the time after you left.” Jared shakes his head. “Well, I’m not here to tell his tale. Let me just say it was bad, really bad. And if you’re not committed to this, I need you to leave Jensen alone.”

Jared gulps. “I didn’t know it was that bad.”

Chris shrugs. “Well, we all know Jenny’s very private.”

“I’m sorry,” he shakes his head desperately. “I never wanted to hurt him.”

“Yeah, I know,” Chris grabs both his arms. “But you did and now I need to know if you’ll kick him out of your life a second time, or if you finally grew up and can make a commitment?”

“I love him and if he takes me back I’m not gonna hurt him. I swear. If he grants me another chance, I’m not letting him go ever again.” Jared tells Chris passionately and the older man grins.

“That’s what I needed to hear.” He turns around grabbing some bottles for the others. “Just so you know. You hurt him this time? I’ll kill you.” He says over his shoulder and Jared believes every single word. 

They walk back into the living room. Steve’s playing his guitar and Mike’s singing a terrible version of ‘House of the Rising Sun’. Jensen looks up when he and Chris walk into the room and raises a curious eyebrow at Jared. He drops down next to Jensen, clapping his thigh. 

“It’s nothing,” he reassures Jensen. “He was just helping me with the beer.”

Jensen snorts, but lets it go. For dinner, they share pepperoni and sausage pizzas. It feels so much like the old times that Jared doesn’t want the night to end, doesn’t want to think about what tomorrow means. However, when everybody is pleasantly buzzed, and Mike trashed, they decide to part for the night. Tommy half carries Mike out of the door and Jared can’t hold back the laugh. Mike hasn’t changed a bit. 

When the door closes after the last guest, Jared leans against it, closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath. That was just what he needed. A night to forget. He feels Jensen’s eyes on him and opens his eyes slowly to reveal an amused, grinning Jensen. He has his hands stuffed in to the pockets of his jeans and his hair is a little disheveled courtesy of Mike’s headlock. Jared feels the familiar swell in his heart he always felt when he looked at Jensen and fell in love all over again. He wants to tell the other man that, wants to say what’s on his mind. But he remembers Chris’ words and he knows this is just not the right time. 

That’s why he pushes away from the door and flees the room with a kiss to Jensen’s cheek and a small goodnight. It’s only ten, but going to bed is better than staying downstairs with Jensen where temptation could be too strong. He undresses, pulls off his prostheses, and falls back on his pillow with Jensen on his mind. 

*~*

Jared wakes when it’s still dark outside, a lump in his stomach. It feels like something wants to crawl and chew its way out. He puts his prostheses on in record time and makes it to the bathroom just before his dinner makes another appearance. Retching, he hovers over the ceramic bowl until he feels a cold, wet cloth on his neck. Jensen rubs his lower back and whispers soothing nothings in his ear. 

It takes some time until Jared is ready to stand up again. Turning around, he sees Jensen standing not two feet away in a tee-shirt and boxers. The older man looks at him with sad eyes full of concern. A hand reaches out to wipe away the tears Jared doesn’t remember crying and he leans into Jensen’s soft touch. Before Jared realizes, his face is buried in Jensen’s neck. He clings to the older man like a drowning man to a piece of wood. And Jensen? He holds Jared tight against his body and doesn’t let go for a long time.

“I miss them so much,” Jared whispers into the silence of the bathroom.

“I know,” Jensen answers quietly. 

“I don’t know what to do,” Jared continues, sobbing. 

“I know, Jay. I know.” Jensen tightens his hold. “But you’re not alone, okay? I’m here, you’re friends are here.” He pulls away a little and cups Jared’s face between his hands. “You don’t have to go through this alone,” Jensen says forcefully.

And then Jared leans forward pressing his lips against Jensen’s because if he doesn’t do it now it feels like it’ll be too late. It’s a gentle kiss without tongue. A plea for reconnection and when Jensen holds Jared’s head gently between his hands, without pulling back, it’s all Jared needs to know. 

“I don’t wanna lose you,” Jared breathes against Jensen mouth. 

“You’re not gonna lose me, Jay. Ever.” Jensen says gently, before crinkling his nose. “I hate to ruin the moment, but you have to brush your teeth.”

Jared looks taken aback before a small smile appears on his face. “Sorry,” he says sheepishly.

He brushes his teeth quickly and follows Jensen back into his room. The older man is sitting on Jared’s bed, looking up and smiling when Jared walks inside. 

“Come here, Sasquatch.” Jensen grins. “We have at least another three hours before we have to get up.”

Jared smiles and a few minutes later he is snuggled against Jensen’s body. His head placed on Jensen’s chest and Jensen’s fingers run through his hair soothingly. The older man kisses his forehead and Jared relishes the feeling of Jensen’s lips against his skin. 

“Good night, Jay,” Jensen whispers and his breath ghosts over Jared’s skin leaving goose bumps. 

“Good night, Jen,” Jared answers tiredly, before he slips back to sleep. 

*~*

Jensen’s gone when Jared wakes hours later. The sun is up and it feels a lot like she’s mocking Jared. He lies in bed a little longer, dreading getting up. But he has to get up eventually and when he makes his way to the kitchen where it smells of bacon and pancakes once again, he hears Jensen arguing. 

“No, dammit, no.” Jensen says angrily. “Damien, you just have to do it alone. I’m not coming to LA. ... I told you why. So, now go do whatever I pay you for. I’ll call you later.”

Jensen just flips his phone shut when Jared enters the kitchen. He looks up and sends the younger man a small encouraging smile. 

“Hey, you sleep well the rest of the night?”

Jared nods, because he really did sleep well snuggled close to Jensen. “Trouble?” He asks regarding the phone call he heard. 

Jensen sighs. “Nothing.”

“If you have to fly to LA, that’s fine by me, y’know. I don’t want to keep you from your job.” Jared explains, even if he’s not sure he means it. Because, right now, he wants to keep Jensen for himself and never leave the house, preferably the bed, ever again. 

“No.” Jensen shakes his head. “Damien, my assistant, can handle it. It’s just something about a press release for the new movie.”

Jared frowns. “I mean it, Jen. If you have to…”

“Jay, stop it.” Jensen sighs and rubs his hand over his face. When he looks back at Jared, there is something in his eyes Jared doesn’t know how to interpret. “You know what I did the last three years? I worked. I never took a day off or had a vacation. I did six movies in three years and made more money than I could ever spend. Don’t you think it’s okay to take some days off?”

Jared nods. “Sure, but you love your job.”

Jensen shrugs. “There are things I love more,” he answers, looking directly at Jared. 

Suddenly, Jared feels too hot, his skin too tight and his dick seems to notices the way Jensen looks Jared up and down, too. 

“Jen, like I said I don’t want to keep you from your job.”

Jensen chuckles. “A little full of yourself, ain’t you?” And Jared feels the blush rising on his cheeks. Did he really misinterpret Jensen’s look? “Jared, you may be a part of it, but there are other things,” Jensen is suddenly very interested in his mug, “things you don’t know that have an impact, too.”

Jared raises his eyebrows curiously. “You gonna tell me what these things are?”

“No.” Jensen shakes his head. “Not now.”

“Later?” Jared knows he’s pushing, but he can’t shake the feeling that this has something to do with what Chris told him. 

Jensen sighs. “Yeah. But now, you gotta eat your breakfast. We have to be at Megan’s in an hour.”

Just like that Jared’s appetite is gone and for the rest for their breakfast he picks at his pancakes. Jensen watches him out of the corner of his eyes, but doesn’t say anything and Jared is grateful.

*~*

An eerie silence greets Jared when he walks into the church two hours later. The only sound is the clacking of shoes that echoes in the ancient building. Megan and Michael are right behind him, as well as Jeff and Laura and his niece and nephew. They had arrived this morning having spent the last days with Laura’s family and both kids look a little freaked out, as if they don’t know what’s happening. And Jared can sympathize with the feeling. If he doesn’t know how to deal with what’s happening how will Andy and Nina? They’re only six and four. 

Two caskets stand on one side of the altar in which his parents are laid out. They’re surrounded by flowery wreathes covered in tearful goodbyes. His parent’s pictures are displayed on the other side of the altar and Jared feels like his been hit in the gut by the smiling faces. Pastor Chambers had talked about wanting smiling pictures to let his parents be remembered when they were happy. But still it hits Jared hard that he won’t ever see his parents smiling like this again. 

He holds out his hand to find reassurance in Jensen’s company, but his friend isn’t there and Jared remembers that Jensen had said he would wait outside with his parents to give Jared and his siblings some time. At this moment Jared regrets agreeing to it. He wants Jensen next to him. He needs Jensen to get through this. And once again he asks himself how he could ever think he would be able to live without the other man. 

Jared sits down next to his siblings in the first pew and listens to the soft whisper fill the church. More and more guests are surging into the holy walls and the pews are filled quickly. Jared looks around to see Jensen and his parents walk towards the front. Donna and Alan send him a sad smile and take a seat two pews behind Jared.

Jensen bends down and whispers into his ear. “I’m sitting with Mom and Dad, okay?”

And Jared desperately shakes his head. “No, please. Sit with me.”

“Jay,” Jensen says with a tortured look on his face, “the first pews are only for family members.”

“You are, Jen.” Jared nods. He knows that his parents always thought about Jensen and his family as their family, too. “Please, I can’t do it without you.”

Jensen bites his bottom lip hesitantly, but then he sits down next to Jared and takes the younger man’s hand. Jared is sure, now that his hands is encased in Jensen’s, he won’t let go for the rest of the service and probably for long after.

When Pastor Chambers starts speaking about God and his mysterious ways Jared zones out. He thinks about his parents and all the happy times they had together. He thinks about birthdays and Christmases, vacations and anniversaries. They’ve have always supported Jared in everything he wanted. They gone through hell together after his accident and still they came out stronger. At least that’s what Jared thinks. He’s stronger because of his parents and the way they raised him and he’s grateful. Yet it still hurts like hell to see them gone and he’s not sure how life will go on. 

An arm settles around his shoulders and Jensen pulls him close. That’s when he feels he’s trembling, shaking with grief. Jensen lets him cry until he can calm down again. He looks around and sees that Megan is also crying, so is Laura. Jeff’s sitting there with his arms around his wife and Andy on his lap with a transfixed look on his face. Nina has buried her little face in her mother’s neck and it hits Jared that his parent’s will never see Nina and Andrew grow up. It hurts because Jared knows how much his parent’s loved their grandkids.

Pastor Chambers finishes and it’s time to say goodbye. Jared’s family stands up and walks towards the caskets to say their last words and Jared follows, Jensen’s hand in a death grip. He walks by his mother’s casket first. She’s pale, dressed in a dark blue dress and she looks peaceful, which somehow surprises Jared. He had thought that the shock and pain she must have been in would still show on her face, but it doesn’t and it calms Jared tremendously. His father looks the same, pale but peaceful. 

Jared had thought that he would break down when he would see his parents in their caskets, but he finds the strength he needs in Jensen’s company. They walk together across the cemetery towards his parent’s last resting-place in silence, both lost in their own head. Pastor Chambers delivers another short service and then Jared’s holding two roses in his hand that he throws into the grave where his parents are laid to rest. 

Guest after guest expresses their condolences and Jared mostly nods because he doesn’t know what to say. Next in line are Jensen’s parents and Donna pulls him into a fierce hug. 

“I’m so sorry, Jared,” she whispers into his ear. When she pulls back, Jared instantly misses her warmth and motherly attitude, but Jensen’s right with his hand on Jared’s lower back. “Listen, kiddo. If you need anything, and I mean anything, you call us even if it’s just to talk, okay?”

Jared nods gratefully. “Thanks, Donna.”

Alan just shakes Jared’s hand and sends him a sad smile. It still feels comforting. 

A little later, Jensen pushes Jared down towards their car, again in silence. They don’t have to talk and Jared is grateful for the silence. There will be enough talking once they get back to the house. The drive to Jared’s childhood home is short and when they get there most of Jared’s family and family friends are already there. 

The house is filled with a constant buzz and Jared feels a headache building behind his eyes. He would prefer to just go to bed and forget this day ever happened, but he can’t leave his little sister alone dealing with all these people. He walks into the kitchen on his search for some water and feels overwhelmed by all the food that is currently occupying every surface in the room. 

“I know, it’s too much.” Jared turns around and sees Megan standing behind him, her arms draped around her chest in comforting gesture. “We’ll never be able to eat all that.”

Jared chuckles. “Well, I guess you won’t have to cook anytime soon.” Then he pulls Megan into a fierce hug. “It’s gonna be okay, Meggie. I promise.” 

“Yeah, I know.” Megan nods when she pulls away. “Where is Jensen?”

“He’s talking to his parents.” Jared explains.

“So,” Megan takes a deep breath, “how is it going between you two?”

Jared shrugs. “I don’t know. I mean, I love him being here and if he’d give me a second chance, I would never let him go again. But his life is still in LA and mine is here now.”

Megan frowns. “Don’t you mean Austin, JT?”

Jared feels Megan’s eyes on him, making him squirm. “Don’t be mad, okay. But I quit.”

“What?” Megan hisses. “Why? You’ve worked so hard for this.”

“When they wouldn’t give me some time of after Mom and Dad’s accident, I decided to quit. I can find a teaching job in San Antonio. And besides, I don’t want to go back to Austin.”

“But what about the house?” His little sister asks stunned. 

“I’m gonna sell it, move here, at least for the beginning. Jensen and Chad already promised me to help.” 

Megan smiles. “Well, I can’t say anything against my big brother living close by.” She hugs him again. “If that’s what you want, JT, I’m fine with it.”

“Thanks, Meg. It just feels right, y’know.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Megan looks around. “What do we do with Mom and Dad’s things?” 

Jared kisses her temple. “We’ll think of something. Now, let’s go back to our guests.” 

They walk into the living room together and while Megan starts a conversation with one of their aunts, Jared walks over to Jensen who’s talking to their friends. Jensen smiles at him and when a warm hand settles on his lower back, Jared feels as if he can believe that everything is going to be alright. 

*~*

Later that day Jared is sitting outside on the back porch stairs, Sadie resting her head in his lap and Harley lying at his feet, while he listens to Jensen rummage through the kitchen and try to store away all the food their guests brought over. It’s still too much for the big fridge even though Megan already took half of it. Why is it that people always bring food when someone dies? Do they think it makes the bereaved feel better when the house is full of food? Jared doesn’t understand it. It doesn’t make him feel better even though he loves to eat. 

All guests are long gone by now and it’s getting dark. Stars are starting to sparkle in the clear dark blue Texan sky. Jared pulls his hoodie closer around his body. The night air is chilling, but the cold air helps to clear his head. Today was the day he had to say goodbye to his parents but it didn’t feel like they were really gone. They were still here in every single corner of their house. 

On Monday they have an appointment with their parent’s lawyer to talk about the estate. Jared doesn’t even want anything. He would voluntarily give anything in this house and in his house in Austin if that would mean is parents would still be alive. Sadie begins to whine as if she notices his grief. Jared pets her behind her ear just the way she likes it and she rubs her head over his thigh. Harley lifts his head at the content noises Sadie is making and shifts his body so that he’s lying on Jared’s feet. Jared bends down and pets Harley too, wishing he could feel the weight of his dog.

The door to the kitchen opens and Jensen walks out with two mugs in his hands. “I hope there is some space for me, too.” Jared looks up meeting Jensen smile and nodding. “Here,” the older man holds out one mug for Jared, “hot chocolate. I remembered how much you loved to drink it when we were still working Vancouver.” 

“Thanks.” Jared takes the mug from Jensen and warms his fingertips with it. Jensen is right, Jared used to love to curl up on the couch with Jensen next to him and drink hot chocolate after a long, exhausting shoot. He takes a sip and it warms him instantly. “Mmmh, cinnamon.”

Jensen watches him with an amused smile before taking a sip of his own. “I haven’t lost my magic touch,” he muses and Jared snorts. 

“Dude, it’s not that good.”

“Oh, yeah,” Jensen laughs, “that’s why you always wanted me to make it?”

“I was too lazy.” Jared confesses. 

Jensen throws his arms around Jared’s neck and pulls him in for a headlock. “That’s what you get for mocking me.” 

They start wrestling and suddenly Jared finds himself on his back pinned beneath Jensen’s glorious body. They’re both laughing hard, but it stops when their eyes lock. It’s as if time stops and it’s just them in the whole wide world. Jared feels as if Jensen’s eyes look deep in his soul and it’s the first time in a long time that he doesn’t squirm and want to pull away from Jensen’s intense look. He’s an open book for Jensen and he just hopes that Jensen still likes what he finds. 

“Jay,” the older man breathes and Jared can feel his breath against his lips, that’s how close they are. Jensen’s thumb brushes over Jared’s bottom lip and the younger man wishes for nothing more than for Jensen to kiss him. But the other man doesn’t; he just hovers and Jared suddenly knows that he has to make the first move. Jensen won’t do anything to encourage this because he’s not sure if Jared wants this. 

Therefore, Jared lifts his head until he can brush his lips against Jensen’s in chaste kiss. The older man doesn’t pull back, but he doesn’t pursue the kiss either. Jensen just holds his head still, as if he still needs something more from Jared. And Jared gives it to him. He deepens the kiss, running his tongue over Jensen’s lips until the other man opens up and lets him in. 

Jensen’s mouth feels a lot like coming home and Jared reacquaints himself with Jensen’s mouth, mapping out all the places that will make the other man moan. Jensen’s hands come to cup Jared’s face and he rubs his tongue against Jared’s. Playing and nibbling and it’s the best kiss Jared ever had. Nothing comes even close to the feeling of finally coming home again. His fingers sink in to Jensen’s short hair, playing with the soft hair at the back of his neck. Jensen feels so much like six years ago and still completely different. It’s intoxicating and Jared’s sure that he could kiss him like this forever.

Jared’s dick is rock hard in his jeans and when Jensen grinds down, Jared can feel his erection grinding against his own. It sends shivers down his spine and Jensen trailing kisses down his jaw and neck doesn’t help to calm him down. But Jared’s okay with that. Warm hands push under his shirt. Fingertips tracing muscles and leaving his skin in flames. He needs more and Jensen seems to know that, because he pulls on Jared’s belt and opens his fly. Seconds later, cold night air hits his ass, but it does nothing to cool him. Jared’s on fire, burning with desire deep inside that only Jensen can satisfy. 

A big hand closes around his cock and starts to jerk him slowly, not anywhere near enough. He whines deep in his throat and Jensen silences him with a deep kiss. The hand jerking him wanders to his balls, rolling, massaging. Jared knows he’s close. It’s been too long to make this last, even though he wants it to last forever. Jensen is rubbing his own hard on against Jared’s hipbones and Jared pushes his hand into the front of Jensen’s pants. Closing his fingers around Jensen’s pulsing flesh, he feels how hard Jensen is and when he runs his thumb over the crown, he feels the pre-come gathering there. It makes him even harder. 

They jerk each other to completion with their lips locked. And when Jared comes, he moans Jensen’s name into his lover’s mouth. Jensen is only a second behind, whispering Jared’s name like a prayer. When they come down from their heights, Jensen settles his head on Jared’s chest and Jared holds him close with an arm around his shoulders. 

“God, I missed this,” Jared says softly. “Missed you.”

“Miss you, too.”

They lay there in silence until it gets too cold and Jensen makes them get up. But the promise of a bed sounds pretty damn good to Jared right now and he follows without complaining. Jensen shoos the dogs inside and Jared blushes when he thinks about what his babies just witnessed. 

Once inside, Jensen leads Jared into the bathroom to clean them of the already drying come on their bellies and when they fall into bed together a few minutes later, Jared’s already half asleep. He wraps himself around Jensen and relishes in his lover’s body heat. Jensen whispers something in his ear, but he’s already too far gone to understand what the other man is saying and the soft, soothing voice accompanies him into the darkness.

*~*

“Where’s my beer, bitch?”

Chad stumbles into the kitchen, stretching his back. Jared looks at his best friend, an amused look in his eyes. 

“What have you done to deserve a beer?” He asks innocently. 

“Hey,” Chad complains. “I carried half of your boxes. I think I deserve a damn beer.” 

Jared laughs and grabs two from the fridge. “Here, jerk.”

“Thanks, bitch.”

It’s been a month since they buried Jared’s parents and it took some time to sort everything out. There was not much left behind, but his parents had made sure their testament handled everything. The house went to all three children and Megan and Jeff happily agreed for Jared to move there. Megan got the tea set she liked so much, Jeff the model railway he and their dad had build over the years and Jared got their dad’s old pocket watch. Everything else was up to the three siblings and they decided to give some things to charity and to store others in the attic. It had taken the last weeks to sort through all of it, and with a lot of tears, but also laughter ,Megan and Jared had finally cleared the house for Jared’s things. 

This weekend had been set to move Jared things from Austin to San Antonio and they had just gotten back a few hours ago. Jensen offered to pay for the moving company if Jared didn’t feel like doing it themselves. But Jared kindly declined. He would never take money from his friends. He already felt bad that Jensen paid for their food, but Jensen would hear nothing off it and Jared let it go. But this, his move, that was too much. Jared offered to do it alone but Jensen had just kissed him and told him not to be stupid. That’s why he, Jensen, and Chad drove to Austin yesterday to pack Jared’s things. It came totally as a surprise that Mike and Chris were waiting in front of his house to help too. Jared almost felt overwhelmed by all the love and friendship his old friends offered him. 

The house in Austin was now empty of all of Jared’s possessions and a ‘For Sale’ sign decorated the front lawn. It’s getting dark outside and Mike, Chris, and Jensen are on a dinner hunt. They had still been arguing about what to have for dinner when they left half an hour ago, and Jared decides he will be happy with whatever, if they ever get back. 

A warm feeling settles in Jared’s stomach just thinking about Jensen. The last weeks had been amazing between them. They had spent a lot of time just hanging out, reacquainting themselves with the other again and getting to know each other again. Each night they had shared the same bed, touching and rediscovering the other’s body. No actual sex, just a hand job here and there, but mostly just familiarizing themselves with each other again. 

Jared remembers the time when he thought he could never have that again. After their break-up and his attempted suicide, he had talked hours over hours to his shrink, spending almost more time at her office than anywhere else. When he had told her about not being able to get it up, she had smiled slightly and reassured him that once he could accept himself again, it would work again. And she was right. It all had been in his head, but it took some time for Jared to realize and accept that, accept himself the way he was.

And now, being with Jensen again, being accepted by Jensen, feels liberating. All of his doubts and concerns gone all of a sudden. Leaving still feels like the worst mistake he ever made. But he can accept that he needed some time to find himself again, to accept himself again, to come to the place where they are now. Every single moment of every single day Jensen shows him how much he’s still loved with little touches and whispered declarations of love. 

At first, Jared had his doubts that it could be this easy. Waking up after what happened on the porch the night before involved a massive freak out until Jensen reassured him over and over again that it was okay, that he wanted what happened too. After his first coffee Jared was so embarrassed because of the way he had acted that he couldn’t even look at Jensen. But the older man had just kissed him and everything fell in place. There were no more questions asked about if that’s what they really wanted, they just fell into an easy and comfortable routine. It was everything Jared needed to be reassured that this could really work. 

The only thing they haven’t talked about is what happened to Jensen after their break-up. Jared wants to know. He’s more than curious, but he won’t push. Jensen will come to him,when he’s ready to talk about it. The kitchen door opens and Jared looks up to see his friends and his lover walk inside, still arguing about the food. He smiles brightly at their playful banter and when Jensen looks at him, his smile gets even wider. If that’s possible. 

Jensen drops the bags on the counter – it’s probably enough food to feed an entire football team – and walks over to the younger man, planting a small kiss on Jared’s lips. 

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Jared replies and for a second it’s just them. 

“Oh my god, get a room you two,” Chris groans, unpacking the bags. 

They both laugh, but the moment is gone. “You’re just jealous.” Jensen says and Chris huffs, just packing food on his plate. 

Jared grabs three more beers out of the fridge and hands it to his friends. Jensen is last, but when Jared holds the bottle out to him, the atmosphere in the room changes from playful to serious in one second flat. It seems as if everybody is holding their breath, waiting for Jensen to react. And Jared feels as if he has done something horrible, but he doesn’t know what. 

“Jen?” He asks shyly. 

“C’mon guys. Let’s eat in the living room.” Chris grabs his plate full of Chinese and walks towards the living room with Chad and Mike in tow. 

Jensen sighs and grabs a soda from the fridge. “You wanna go outside?”

Jared swallows the lump in his throat and nods. “Yeah, okay.”

They both grab their food and walk outside, sitting down on the porch stairs. It feels like hours, but finally Jensen starts talking. 

“When you left I was a mess. I completely lost my footing and I started to drink, took drugs, just to forget the pain for a minute.” Jared feels as if he had been punched in the stomach, bile making its way upwards, but Jensen continues, before he can say anything. “For a year it was really bad. I was living on the edge and I didn’t know how to stop. I fucked everything on two legs, let them fuck me.” It hurts like hell to hear this. That Jensen gave this to someone other than Jared. “I didn’t listen to Chris, Steve or even my family. I didn’t want to.”

Guilt builds in Jared’s stomach. He’s to blame for this. He did this to the most important person in his life because he left. He wants to scream, but there’s no sound. 

“Chris found me after a massive acid trip in my condo in LA, vomit all over the floor and some twink in my bed. It was pretty clear that we fucked bareback, no condoms lying around and so.” Jared shudders at the thought what could have happened. “Thankfully I didn’t catch anything. That’s when it hit me. I couldn’t go on like this. I didn’t want to. Chris helped me to get into rehab and I started to straighten myself out. Took some time, but it finally worked. And now I haven’t had a drink in over three years.”

“Jen,” Jared asks heartbroken, “why didn’t you tell me before?”

Jensen turns to face Jared. “Because I didn’t want you to hate me.”

“I could never hate you,” Jared says forcefully. 

“Because I know you and I know that you would feel guilty, that you’d blame yourself. And, it’s not your fault, Jay.”

“How is this not my fault? I left you. I hurt you so much.” Jared’s openly crying now. 

“Jared,” Jensen cups his face between his hands and wipes away the wetness on his cheeks, “I did this to myself. I made the decision to drink and take drugs. I fucked all these guys. I could have decided different. No-one forced me. It was my choice and I have to live with the consequences.” 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I wish I could take it all back.”

“I know, Jay, I know. But it doesn’t matter anymore. We were both messed up, but we found a way. And now, we’re here together and I’m not letting you go anytime soon. I love you, Jared. So much.”

“I love you, too.” 

Jared leans forward and their lips meet in a desperate kiss. Jared needs to reassure himself that Jensen’s still here, unharmed. He runs his hands over his lover’s body, hands worming their way beneath Jensen’s sweater to feel the warm skin against his fingertips. When he pulls back to breathe, Jensen’s smiling at him. 

“I never stopped loving you, Jay. Never. There was never a day when I didn’t hope and wish for us to be what we were.”

“Me, too,” Jared answers. “You remember when I told you that a part of me was still missing?” Jensen nods. “It was you, Jen. I didn’t realize it until you were here, but it was you that was missing.”

“I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.” He pulls Jared into his arms and they sit together in silence for some time, their food forgotten, just touching and reassuring themselves that the other’s still here. 

“Do Mike and Chad know?” Jared asks after some time, thinking about their looks when Jared held out the beer. 

“Yeah,” Jensen sighs. “I wasn’t exactly subtle. But thank god, Chris and Steve managed to keep it from the tabloids. I still don’t know how they did that.” Jensen shakes his head in wonder. “I was pretty trashed at every single party of Mike’s. So, they added one and one when I suddenly didn’t show anymore.”

“Chad never told me.” Jared feels a little hurt that his best friend would keep something this big from him. 

“I asked him not to. And I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him. But I thought that if you had to know, then it should be me who tells you.”

Jared nods. It’s understandable. “So, is that the reason that you’re avoiding every call on your cell, except for your friends and family?”

“Pretty much.” Jensen nods. “I told you that I worked for the last three years. And Hollywood is pretty demanding. That day Megan called I was sitting in a bar, a glass of whiskey in front of me.”

“Jen,” Jared gasps. 

“Yeah, I know. I was sitting there for two hours contemplating if I should drink it or not. Megan saved me. I left the bar while talking to her and took the next flight down.”

“And now?”

“You mean do I need a drink?” Jared nods. “No. Do I want one? Yes.” Jared looks horrified at the beer in his hands and puts it aside. Jensen chuckles. “It’s okay, Jay. It doesn’t bother me that you’re drinking. I can handle it.”

“No.” Jared shakes his head. “From now on there won’t be any alcohol in this house.”

“Jay, you don’t need to do that.”

“I know. But I want to.” 

A bright smile lights up Jensen face. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.

Jared’s stomach starts growling and Jensen bursts out laughing. “I guess we need to feed you. C’mon, Sasquatch. It’s time to eat.” 

He pulls Jared up and shoos him into the kitchen. They heat up their food, and without questions, they walk into the living room to join the guys for a nice and relaxing evening with friends. There had been enough angst in the last hour. 

*~*

Jared’s panting, lifting weights in his old bedroom that is now mostly his gym. Jensen and he have moved their bedroom to the first floor. The room is bigger than Jared’s old room and it has an en suite bathroom and it’s easier for Jared to navigate with his wheelchair. Jeff and Megan’s rooms have been left the way they were; they would be used as guestrooms. His parent’s room had been left untouched after Megan and Jared had cleared it of anything personal. He still couldn’t imagine sleeping in the same room his parents had slept for the last thirty years. 

A knock on the door makes him turn his head and he sees Jensen leaning nonchalantly against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest and a smirk on his face. He is wearing a ragged shirt and sweatpants that are almost falling off his lean hips. His hair is still sleep tousled and Jared has to swallow hard at the sight his lover makes. 

“Like what you see?” Jensen asks coyly and Jared grins.

“I think I need to take a closer look.” 

He lets go of his weights and walks towards Jensen, eyeing him up and down. He really likes what he sees and his dick takes notice too. Jared doesn’t touch Jensen, just follows his body with his eyes, taking in every little detail. His boyfriend is gorgeous and Jensen’s sight still takes Jared’s breath away at times like this. His hands settle next to Jensen’s head on the door frame and he leans close; close enough that his breath ghosts over Jensen’s skin, but not close enough to touch. 

The older man shudders under Jared’s breath but holds still, and when Jared finally decides to pepper Jensen’s neck with small pecks, he arches into Jared’s touch. Jared kisses his way up Jensen’s neck to the place behind his ear that he knows will drive his lover crazy. His tongue traces random patterns on Jensen’s skin and Jared is rewarded with a deep moan. 

Jensen’s hands settle on Jared’s hips and pull their bodies flush together. Jared’s erection presses against Jensen’s hipbone and he can feel that he’s not the only one who’s already hard. When their lips finally meet in a passionate kiss they both moan with pleasure. Jensen nibbles on Jared’s bottom lip before pushing his tongue into his lover’s mouth and making Jared moan again. It feels so damn good and Jared knows that this time it won’t end with a hand job. This time he wants to be in Jensen, wants to feel his lover around him. 

Jared’s hands roam over the body pressed against him from head to toe until he settles on Jensen’s ass. He massages the firm globes, rubbing at the cleft through the sweatpants. Jensen’s head falls back giving way for Jared to latch onto his favorite spot where neck and shoulder meet. He sucks and teases until he knows that he left a mark and Jensen is writhing in his arms. 

“Jay… please… god,” Jensen groans. 

“What, baby?” He asks playfully. “What do you want?”

“Need you… god… need you inside…”

Jared shudders at even the prospect of pushing inside the tight heat of Jensen’s body. “Yeah, god, yeah.”

Jensen turns in his arms, holding out his ass to Jared and shoots Jared a smirk over his shoulder. “I’m ready.”

Oh god, Jared comes almost right then and there when he imagines Jensen fucking himself open for Jared on his own fingers. “Oh god… Jen.”

“Do it, Jay. I want you in me. Can’t wait any longer.”

Jared pushes Jensen’s shirt over his head and his own follows suite. Jensen’s sweatpants are next and he lets out a guttural groan when he realizes that Jensen isn’t wearing underwear. His lover steps out of his pants and kicks them away. 

“Jay, please…”

He traces one hand down Jensen’s back, while the other grabs around and teases the crown of the older man’s cock. 

“Jay… god… please… fuck me… please…”

Jared chuckles at Jensen’s impatience and trails his fingers through the cleft of Jensen’s ass, rubbing his fingertips over his puckered hole. It’s clenching in anticipation. He wets his fingers with salvia and pushes two of them inside Jensen’s waiting hole. Jensen was right, he is already lubed. He earns himself a little cry from Jensen’s mouth that goes right to his cock, making it impossibly harder. 

“Jen, so fucking beautiful. You should see yourself right now. So gorgeous.” Jared pushes a third finger inside and rubs his fingertips over Jensen’s prostate. Jensen’s head falls back against Jared’s shoulder and he starts to fuck himself on Jared’s fingers. “Yes, baby. Fuck yourself open for me. Did you think about my cock when you opened yourself up for me?”

“Yes, god, yes… please, Jay… more…”

Jared pushes his shorts down, lets them pool around his feet, and rubs his hard, leaking cock over Jensen’s ass. When he pushes inside it feels like coming home. The heat surrounding him, Jensen’s tight walls fluttering around him, and Jared knows he won’t last long. Not this time. 

“God, Jen… so tight… so fucking perfect…”

“Harder, Jay… fuck me harder…”

And he does, changing the angle so he brushes against Jensen’s prostate on each stroke. His hand on Jensen’s cock working the same rhythm. Sweat running down his and Jensen’s back, he plunges inside his lover’s willing body. His orgasm surprises him and he sinks his teeth into Jensen’s shoulder to keep from screaming. That sends Jensen over the edge and he paints the door frame with his release. 

They stand together panting, Jared’s arm around Jensen’s chest. But he isn’t sure how long he will be able to keep them standing. 

“Bed?” He asks and Jensen nods. It’s only ten in the morning, but it’s the only reasonable solution. They clean up on the way and fall into their bed together. Another nap sounds just like the plan to Jared. 

*~*

Later Jensen’s head is lying on Jared’s chest and Jared watches his lover sleep. He’s still processing what Jensen told him the other day. Chris was right, it had been bad, really bad and Jared would make sure that something like that would never happen again. Part of him still feels guilty for what happened, even thought Jensen told him that it had been his own choice. Still if he hadn’t been so messed up, if he had been able to handle the amputation and its aftermath better, Jensen wouldn’t have fallen for alcohol and drugs. Maybe Jensen had made the choice, but Jared had pushed him in the right direction.

“Stop it.”

“What?” He squeaks. 

“I can hear you thinking. Stop it.” Jensen props himself up on Jared’s chest and faces him. “I’m fine. You can stop thinking about it.”

“How do you…?” Jared asks stunned.

“Because I know you, Jay. You may think you have changed but you’re still the nice and friendly kid I met on a stormy summer day in LA that always puts others first.”Jensen smiles. “I’ve made me peace with the past and I think it’s time for you to do the same.”

“It’s not that easy.” Jared replies stubbornly.

“Yes it is.” Jensen lays one of his hands against Jared’s cheek and the younger man leans into the touch. “You know why?” Jared shakes his head. “Because we’re here and we’re together, that’s why. Everything worked out.” Jensen kisses him softly before he flops down on his back next to Jared. “So,” he starts, “there is something I want to talk to you about.”

Jared raises his eyebrows. “Yeah? What is it?”

“There is an event called The Oscars in two weeks in LA and I wanted to ask you if you would accompany me. As my date.” Jensen looks at Jared hopefully. 

The Oscars. It would mean all of Hollywood’s celebrities in one big room together, faking smiles and making small talk. Honestly, Jared hadn’t even thought about it. He knows that Jensen is nominated for ‘Directing’ and his movie is nominated as ‘Best Picture’ and he deserves to win. He really does, but Jared feels more than uncomfortable thinking about going. Not because he’s in a gay relationship, no, but because he was forced to leave all this behind and he isn’t sure he’s strong enough to have it dangled in front of his face and still not have it. 

“Jen, I…”

“Hey,” Jensen interrupts. “No big deal. You don’t have to go, if you don’t want to. I’ll just go down for the awards and come back the next day.”

The older man tries to keep his disappointment hidden from Jared, but Jared just knows him too well and he knows that Jensen is hurt. He just can’t bring himself to say ‘Yes’. It feels as if it’s too much.

“I’m sorry, Jen.”

Jensen shakes his head and waves it away with gesture. “Don’t be.” He leans over and plants another kiss on Jared’s lips. “You hungry? I’m starving.” He climbs out of bed and pulls on his discarded sweatpants. “You coming or what?” He raises his eyebrows at Jared. 

“Yeah, sure.” Jared nods, but an uneasy feeling he can’t shake settles in his stomach. The Oscars are a big deal for Jensen and he just managed to hurt his lover once again. 

*~*

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

Chris’ pissed off voice echoes loudly through Jared’s phone. 

“What?” He asks stunned. 

“I said ‘What the hell is wrong with you’.” Chris repeated annoyed. 

“I got that, but I’m not sure I know what you mean.” Jared replies carefully. 

Chris snorts. “Then you are dumber than I already think you are.” Jared opens his mouth to say something, but the older man cuts him off. “Don’t even try to deny that. Do you know how fucking important this damn awards show is for Jensen? Do you have any idea?”

“I know,” Jared feels nauseous.

“Then why the hell can’t you get on a damn plane to be there for him?”

That’s what Jared asked himself over and over again in the last week. Ever since Jensen brought it up and Jared was too chicken-shit to say ‘Yes’. Jensen acts as if it’s no big deal, as if nothing has changed. But Jared knows that he’s hurt and it breaks his heart that he’s the reason. 

“I don’t know.” He sighs. “Because I swore to myself I’m done with it and I’m not sure I can deal with it when I go back now.”

Chris sighs. “You think it’s easy for Jen? You think it’s easy to be a sober alcohol and drug addict in LA. Well, Jared I can tell you it’s not. Jensen’s been fighting for the last three years and now that he gets his reward, he wants you to be there with him and you say ‘No’. Can you imagine what that did to him?” Tears start to burn behind Jared’s eyes, while he listens to Chris. “Do you think it was easy for him to see you again? No, it wasn’t. But he still did it because he loves you so fucking much he wanted to be there for you. So Jared do me a fucking favor and grow the fuck up. Life isn’t easy, but you’ll deal with it.”

Jared swallows down his tears because he’s sure that Chris wouldn’t appreciate him crying right now and because Chris is right. Jensen did all this and all Jared did is take without giving something back.

“You’re right.” Jared says determined. “And I will – grow up I mean – but I need your help.”

They talk for the next hour or so until every little detail is cleared up and when Jared flips his phone shut, he feels ten pounds lighter. 

*~*

The plane is in its approach to landing at LAX and Jared’s a nervous wreck. He feels twitchy not knowing what to expect from the city he once called home. Jensen left yesterday evening for LA and Jared took the plane this morning. He felt bad for lying to Jensen, but it’s still a surprise and he hopes that Jensen can forgive him when he sees Jared waiting in the limo. 

He and Chris organized everything for tonight. The older man will pick Jared up at the airport. His tux is stashed at Chris’ place, and the limo that is set to pick up Jensen at his house will pick up Jared first. It cost some time, and probably money Chris didn’t tell him about, but finally it was all arranged and Jared boarded the flight. 

Even though he’s nervous as hell, it still feels like the right thing to do. Ever since he and Chris spoke about their plan on the phone for the first time, Jared feels lighter. It was still hard to watch Jensen during the week, knowing that with one word he could wipe away the hurt in his lover’s eyes. He just hopes it’s worth it. 

After the plane lands, Jared grabs his bag and makes his way to the exit. Chris is waiting outside, leaning against his convertible with sunglasses and a cowboy hat. He waves at Jared and Jared makes his way over to where the car is parked. 

“Isn’t this park & ride?” Jared asks.

Chris shrugs. “The orderly is a fan. Sometimes it has its perks to be famous.” He waves at the middle-aged man, who waves back enthusiastically. “Get in. With the fucking traffic today it will take us some time to get home.”

Jared climbs into Chris’ car, which is definitely not designed for big people like him. His knees are literally stuck under his chin. Chris grins and shrugs his shoulders, but doesn’t say anything and Jared huffs. He looks out of the window while Chris drives. He hasn’t been to LA for more than six years, but the city hasn’t changed one bit. The traffic is still hell and the smog is still there. The last time he had been here Jensen and he had been house hunting. Jared sighs. 

He feels Chris’ eyes on him, but is grateful that the older man doesn’t say anything while they toil through LA’s horrendous traffic. It takes them over an hour to get to Chris’ house in Santa Monica and Jared is glad that he’s not living here anymore. He had forgotten how bad the traffic could be. 

Once they’re in Chris’ kitchen, the older man offers him a beer. Jared wants to say ‘Yes’, but after thinking of Jensen, he declines. He doesn’t want to smell of beer when they meet tonight. Chris shrugs and shows him where he can find his tux and take a shower. 

Jared takes his time to get ready. There are still a few hours to waste, but he wants to look good for Jensen. Jared snorts. He feels like a teenager going to his first dance. He takes a bath, because it’s easier than to take a shower. Chris’ guest bathroom isn’t really made for Jared’s needs. But with a lot of upper arm strength he gets himself into the tub. The water feels great and he can relax for a short time, before he has to drag himself out of Chris’ tub. 

It’s way more strenuous to climb out of the tub than getting into it and when he’s finally sitting on the edge, pulling on his prostheses, he feels like he needs another shower. He puts on the tux Chris got for him and it fits like a second skin. Taming his hair is a lost cause, but at least he tried. 

Chris is waiting in the open living space for him when he’s finished. The older man looks him up and down and nods. 

“Looking good, kid.”

Jared actually blushes like a fifteen-year-old. “Thanks.” He looks at Chris seriously. “Really, thank you, Chris, for doing this.”

“No problem.” Chris nods again. “Just don’t screw it up.”

Jared shakes his head. “I won’t. Promise.”

“Good. Now, go get your man.” Chris pats his shoulder and ushers him out of the front door towards where the limo is already waiting. 

“Good evening, Mr. Padalecki,” their drive greets, holding the car door open. It’s the first time it feels as if Jared’s gone back in time.

“Thanks.” He climbs inside the limo. It’s dark, only lit by small spotlights. On the right side is a bar and the champagne is already waiting in a cooler. Jared’s stomach turns in knots when he thinks that they won’t be able to share it. Chris and he should have thought about that. 

Jared sinks into the seat and tries to relax for the time it takes to drive to Jensen’s house. It’s only a ten minutes drive and it does nothing to calm Jared’s nerves. They stop and he hears their driver get out of the car. The door to the back opens and Jensen gets inside. The other man looks stunning in his tux and Jared already thinks about what he’s gonna do when they get back tonight. 

Jensen’s eyes widen with surprise when he realizes that Jared is already sitting inside the limo. “Jay?” He asks a little breathless, as if he can’t believe that Jared’s really there. 

Jared grins. “Well, I thought you could use some company. It always looks bad attending these events without a date.”

A second later, he holds Jensen in his arms and they’re kissing passionately, fighting for control until they need to pull apart to take a breath. 

“I love you.” Jensen says forcefully. 

“Love you, too.” Jared runs his thumb over Jensen’s swollen bottom lip before he presses another chaste kiss to his lover’s lips. “I’m sorry,” he says, “I should have said ‘Yes’ right away. I was being a jerk.”

Jensen grins. “Forgiven. What made you change your mind?”

Jared chuckles. “Chris can be pretty scary.”

Jensen laughs. “That’s true. I’m just glad that he didn’t scare you away.”

“Nothing,” Jared shakes his head, “could ever scare me away from you.” 

They settle next to each other on the seats and enjoy the last minutes of togetherness before they will arrive at Kodak Theatre. The noise sounds already through the closed doors when they get to the event and when they get out of the limo, a flurry of camera flashes greets them. Fans scream Jensen’s name and his boyfriend turns and waves. 

Jared knows exactly when people start to recognize him. An excited murmur goes through the crowd before they start to scream his name, too. He looks up and smiles at the fans and the journalist and the photographers who all look at him with stunned looks on their faces. It feels still good to be recognized, even after all this time. But Jared realizes that it’s nothing he really missed and that he can live without attending these events. His fears had been totally unnecessary. It’s nice to be here for Jensen, but it’s nothing Jared wants anymore. 

A lot of interviewers wait to speak to Jensen, and Jared stays back while Jensen answers question after question about his film and about being nominated. Their hands are linked the whole time and Jared knows that someone will ask about them sooner rather than later. 

Kristin of E!Online is the first to ask. “So, does that mean you and Jared are a couple?”

Jensen turns around to look at him with sparkles in his eyes. Jared just grins at him and Jensen turns back to Kristin with a smirk on his face. “Yes, we are.” A roar echoes through the crowd. “And that’s all we’re gonna say to that.”

“Jared,” Kristin starts, but Jared interrupts her. 

“Tonight is about Jensen. He’s the one nominated for an Oscar. I’m just arm candy,” he laughs.

Kristin smiles and nods, turning back to Jensen to ask a few more question about shooting his movie. Jensen answers and they walk further down the red carpet. They’re stopped for a lot of photos and it takes some time to get into Kodak Theatre. And when they finally do get inside, there are more people asking for Jensen’s attention. He introduces Jared to all of them, but Jared has only eyes for Jensen. He’s so proud of his boyfriend he feels like exploding. 

They find their seats and finally the show starts. It takes a lot of patience for Jared to sit through the different categories. He just wants to know if Jensen gets his Oscar or not. And if not, Jared’s gonna have a serious conversation with the jury. Jensen’s hand lands on his fidgeting thigh sometime through the show. 

“Calm down,” he whispers. “You’re making me nervous.”

Jared looks at Jensen and nods, biting his bottom lip. “I just wanna know.”

“Me too.” Jensen agrees. “But fidgeting won’t make them announce it any sooner.” He links their hands together and Jared calms down a little. He doesn’t want to make Jensen nervous.

It takes another hour before they get to the first category – ‘Directing’ – in which Jensen’s nominated. The other nominees are James Cameron, Steven Soderbergh, Ron Howard, and Peter Jackson, and Jared knows that is a hell of a competition. But he also knows that Jensen worked hard to get here and that he deserves the award. When Jensen’s name is called, Jared doesn’t realize it at first. But when everybody around him cheers and Jensen slowly gets up Jared catches up. He jumps up, pulls Jensen into his arms and smashes their lips together. 

He doesn’t think about all the cameras turned in their direction or all the people who are watching. He just wants Jensen to know how proud of and happy for him Jared is. Jensen melts into his arms for a second and when he pulls away, he’s flushed but smiling. He goes up on stage and delivers his speech. When he ends it with ‘I love you, Jay’, Jared feels as if his heart is going to burst. Tomorrow, they will be gossip topic number one. Jared’s sure of that and he doesn’t care one bit. 

Jensen gets back down and Jared pulls him into his arms. “I love you, too.” He whispers into his lover’s ears and feels him shiver. 

It takes another half an hour to get to the second category – ‘Best Picture’. Again the movie is up against some hard competition.

Then Nicole Kidman opens the golden envelope in her hand and reads, “And the Oscar for ‘Best Picture’ goes to ‘The Photographer’.” And Jared is the first to jump up and pull Jensen into his arms. After he let his boyfriend go, he congratulates the others who were responsible to make this movie, before they make their way to the stage. 

The rest of the night goes by in a blur for Jared. He still can’t wrap his head around Jensen winning two Oscars. It’s amazing and he’s so proud. Jensen gives several more interviews, but Jared can only think about getting his boyfriend out of here to have his way with him and show him how proud he really is. 

When they’re sitting in the back of their limo in the middle of the night, Jared sinks to his knees in front of Jensen. Looking up through his bangs, he asks coyly, “You ever got a blowjob in the back of a limo?”

Jensen swallows hard and shakes his head. His hands sink into Jared’s silky hair when Jared opens his fly and pulls the zipper down. He takes out his lover’s already half-hard cock and licks the underside of it. Jensen moans and Jared knows he has trouble keeping quiet. When he closes his lips around Jensen’s cock and sucks, Jensen’s grip on his head gets tighter. Jared swirls his tongue around the velvety cockhead, bobbing his head up and down. He moans around his lover’s cock, being so damn hard in his own pants. But this is for Jensen; Jared can be patient when he wants. 

His one hand fondles Jensen’s balls, while the other plays with Jensen’s nipple. Jared opens his throat to take Jensen deeper and his boyfriend comes down his throat with a strangled moan. Jared sucks him through the aftershocks and doesn’t let him go until Jensen’s soft again. He looks up and meets Jensen’s lust drunken eyes. They smile and Jared buttons Jensen’s pants again. He pushes up from the floor and meets Jensen’s mouth in a deep kiss, pushing his tongue inside, sharing Jensen’s taste with him. 

“Wow,” is all Jensen says when they part and Jared chuckles. When Jensen wants to open Jared’s pants he stops him. 

“Not here.” When Jensen looks at him disappointed, he grins smugly. “I want you to ride me, Jen. Think you can do that?”

“God, yes,” Jensen moans and pulls Jared into another bruising kiss. 

The limo stops in front of Jensen’s house and their driver opens the back door with a small smile that tells Jared that he knows exactly what they’ve done in the back. He blushes, but Jensen just tips the driver and usher Jared into the house. When the door behind them closes, Jared starts to take of Jensen’s clothes while the older man pulls him to the bedroom. 

The first thing Jared sees when they enter the room is the huge bed on one side. Jensen walks slowly towards the bed facing Jared and he grins. “Big enough?” And Jared nods. It’s definitely big enough. He follows Jensen and helps the other man to get rid of his boxers. Jared’s boxers follow and now they’re both naked and hard. Jensen’s cock curls towards his belly and Jared’s mouth waters. 

Jensen pushes him down on the bed and straddles his hips, rubbing his ass over Jared’s hard and leaking cock. 

“Oh god, Jen…”

Jensen kisses his way down Jared’s body. Circling Jared’s nipples with his tongue, teasing them into tight nubs. His hands roam over Jared’s body, squeezing his ass cheeks and rubbing over his tight hole. Jared groans and arches into Jensen’s touch. Jensen’s tongue dips into his bellybutton while one of his hands starts playing with Jared’s dick. When Jensen’s hands run over Jared’s thighs he looks up. 

“You want me to pull these off?” Jensen asks softy.

Jared shakes his head. “No, I need some leverage to fuck you hard.”

“Oh god, yes please,” Jensen breathes and reaches for the lube stashed on the nightstand. He unclasps the bottle and coats Jared’s fingers with it. “Get me ready, Jay,” he begs and Jared complies. 

He pushes one finger into Jensen’s puckered hole, fucking it in and out a few times before he adds a second. It’s hot and tight and fucking perfect. Stretching and scissoring he prepares Jensen, who’s writhing above him, moaning his name like a prayer. 

“More Jay… more… fuck me…”

“That’s it, Jen,” Jared breathes. “God, you’re so hot, so tight.” He pushes a third finger in, brushing his fingertips over Jensen’s sweet spot.

“Oh god… yes… right there,” Jensen groans, fucking himself down on Jared’s fingers. 

Jared fucks him a little more with his fingers before he pulls out. Hearing Jensen’s disappointed whimper, he chuckles and coats his dick with lube before he positions Jensen above him. They lock eyes and Jensen sinks down on Jared’s dick. Tight heat surrounds him and it’s almost too much. He’s been hard almost the whole night and now having Jensen’s hot ass surround him drives him almost over the edge. 

“Jay,” Jensen breathes and starts fucking himself on Jared’s dick. 

Jared’s fingers curl around Jensen’s hipbones hard enough to bruise, but none of them cares. The squeeze around Jared’s dick is delicious and he loses himself in Jensen, moaning his lover’s name and pumping upwards into tight heat. He wraps his hand around Jensen’s leaking cock and starts to jerk him off. 

Jensen comes first, splattering his come all over Jared chest. Jared keeps pushing up his hips into Jensen’s tight ass, brushing over his prostate over and over. Jensen’s eyes are closed, his mouth hangs open in a silent cry and sweat pearls down his chest. He’s the incarnation of sin for Jared. When Jensen opens his eyes again, they’re deep green and full of sated lust. He runs his fingers through his come on Jared’s chest, collects it and licks his fingers clean. That’s what pushes Jared over the edge, pumping his release in Jensen ass.

He comes so hard, he thinks he’s going to black out. When he opens his eyes again, he sees Jensen above him smiling lovingly at him. Jensen pulls off with a hiss and sprints into the en suite bathroom. Jared’s completely sated and sleep sounds awesome right now. Jensen comes back with a wet washcloth and cleans Jared’s belly of the remaining come. After he drops the washcloth on the floor, he settles in Jared’s arms, his head resting on Jared’s chest. 

“Jay?” Jensen’s voice is quiet.

“Hmm,” is the only reply Jared’s capable of right now. 

“What do you think of a vacation?”

Jared opens his eyes and looks down at his lover. “A vacation?”

“Yeah.” Jensen props himself up on Jared’s chest, turning towards him. “I think we could both use one and you haven’t got a teaching job yet. So, it’s kinda perfect timing.”

A vacation right now sounds awesome. Somewhere where they can take to dogs and just regain their strength. Be together on a lonely beach. Jared sighs happily.

“Sounds great. Where do you want to go?”

Jensen smirks. “Do you trust me?”

“Jen…” Jared whines, knowing exactly what this look means. 

“Just answer the question.”

He sighs. “Sure, I trust you.”

“Then it’s gonna be a surprise.” Jared assumed something like that. He hates surprises. Okay, honestly, he loves surprises. It still sucks that Jensen won’t tell him where they are going. But his boyfriend looks so happy right now that Jared can’t be mad at him. 

“Alright. Surprise me.”

Jensen leans down and kisses him softly. “I love you, Jay.”

“Love you, too, Jen.” 

They kiss a little longer, just lazy tongues rubbing against each other. When they finally settle to sleep, Jensen is draped over Jared’s chest and Jared has his arm tightly around his lover’s shoulders. Lying in bed like this, Jared knows that this is only the beginning of their future together. 

*~*~*~*~*~*

Jared shivers. It’s cold, wherever they are. He thought Jensen would choose somewhere warm to go for their vacation. Jared dreamt of sand, sun, heat and naked bodies rolling around. Right now it feels more as if his dick would fall off, if Jared would take it out, which he doesn’t. He feels Jensen’s hands fumbling with the blindfold Jared’s wearing ever since they left the plane. Jensen used a private plane to get them to their destination, so Jared would really have no clue where they were going and because, it was easier to take the dogs with them. Sadie and Harley were currently whining in the car. 

“Okay, I’m gonna take this off,” Jensen’s voice wavers a little. He sounds nervous. 

The blindfold is taken off and Jared needs a moment to adjust to the light. The first things he takes in are the dark green window shutters on the brown two story house. A few stairs lead to the impressive front porch, decorated with a white sitting area. He looks around to see rose bushes in the front yard. Tears burn behind his eyes; he knows exactly where he is. He just can’t believe Jensen took him here. A hand settles on his back. 

“Jay, you okay?” Jensen asks with a tremor in his voice. 

Jared spins around to face his boyfriend. “How… why…?” He’s completely stunned and then Jensen hands him the keys. His eyes widen. “But… but I sold it,” he stutters. 

“Well, it was for sale a few years back and I bought it.” Jensen explains sheepishly. “I thought you would like it. We can leave. I have another place planned for our vacation.”

Jared smashes his mouth to Jensen’s in a bruising kiss. He doesn’t want to go. He loves Jensen’s surprise and he hopes that the kiss will make his lover realize that. This house had been their home for almost two years and they had been more than happy here. When Jared realized what he had sold, not only a house but also their home, it had been too late to get it back. 

“I love it.” Jared says enthusiastically, when they pull back to take a breath. “I was just surprised. Please, can we go in?”

Jensen laughs and it sounds a lot like relieve. He lets out Sadie and Harley who run off to inspect their old place. “You have the keys, Jay.”

Jared looks down at the key in his hands and with a few long strides he’s at the front door, unlocking it. The house is empty of furniture, but Jared can still see how it used to be in his mind. He walks into the living room, looking at the fire place and thinks about all the times he and Jensen made love in front of it. Jared turns around and sees Jensen leaning against the door frame, smiling fondly at Jared. The patter of Sadie and Harley’s paws echoes in the empty house and it feels like home again. 

“Jen, I don’t know what to say. I’m… this is… wow.” Jared is speechless and he thinks that his heart might just burst with how much he loves Jensen. 

Jensen rubs his neck. “Well, I kinda have a confession to make. Telling you that I bought the old place isn’t the only reason I brought you here.”

“Okay.” Jared raises his eyebrows curiously. 

“Eric called me.” 

Jared frowns, but nods. “And?”

“He had a proposition for me.” Jensen walks slowly towards Jared. “He wants us to do a new TV-show together, me as executive producer and director and Eric as creator and producer. The thing is if it’s gonna get picked up it will be filmed in Vancouver.”

Jared’s heart sinks. Jensen’s going to be living Vancouver for most of the year and he’s gonna be in San Antonio. “Sounds awesome.” Jared gets out and hopes it doesn’t sound as sad as he feels right now. 

Jensen smiles slightly. “Jay, we want you as one of the leads.”

Jared’s head snaps up. “What?”

Jensen’s hands cup his face. “The story is about a group of people who fight evil. And Eric and I think you’d be perfect for one of the roles. Besides, I’m not gonna do it if you would be staying in San Antonio. I don’t want to be apart from you ever again.”

Jared’s head spins with what Jensen’s saying. Eric and he want him as one of the leads. They want him to play a role. For more than five years he had come to terms with never acting again and now Jensen, his lover, boyfriend, best friend, soulmate, is handing him something he thought he lost forever. 

“I don’t know what to say.” It feels like it’s too much.

“Say ‘Yes’.” Jensen sounds hopeful, and Jared is sure that Jensen means when says he’s not gonna do it if Jared says he wants to stay in San Antonio. This is their future for them. But there’s still one thing. 

“What about Megan? She needs me.”

Jensen nods. “Why don’t you call her and ask her what she thinks? Besides we can always fly down to visit your family if you decide to take the role.”

Jared pulls out his cell. Jensen is right, they can fly down and it’s a second chance Jared never thought he’d get. 

“Take the role, JT,” is the greeting Jared gets when Megan answers.

“What?” He looks to Jensen, who’s biting his bottom lip nervously. “How do you know?”

“Jensen told me and I tell you, if you don’t take the role I will kick your ass. This is your second chance. Don’t worry about me, JT. I’m fine. Michael is with me and it’s not like you can’t come visit.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, JT. I’m sure. Go and live your dream. You deserve it.”

He really loves his sister. “I will and thank you, Meg. I love you.”

“Love you, too. And now tell Jensen.”

They say goodbye and when Jared turns back to Jensen, the other man is avoiding looking at Jared. He walks towards his boyfriend. 

“Jen?” Jensen looks up and his eyes are filled with uncertainty. “Yes.”

Jensen’s eyes widen. “Yes?”

“Yes. I’m taking the role.”

“Oh my god.” Jensen throws his arms around Jared, pulling him against his body. “I love you. We’re so gonna rock this thing.”

Jared laughs. “We will.”

And he’s sure they will. When their lips meet, it’s a new beginning. 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Let me Love You by alienat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/376551) by [weimar27](https://archiveofourown.org/users/weimar27/pseuds/weimar27)




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